Along the scenic route.

-サヤカ-

As we travel along in life, we pass a multitude of sceneries. Some stick with us, some don't. 

You got to travel quite a bit and was always excited about car rides. 

And well we could say for my first unsupervised drive you were my passenger. 

You even got a chance at the wheel *chuckles*

***

Hi Baby, 

It's the end of 2015. 

2016 is coming. Many people always reminisce; while I do that too sometimes. 

Most of the time I look forward to another year with you. 

And I will be sad that my 2016 will be without you since I always thought that you would be with me at least for a little while longer. 

-sunz-

Soar through the skies with me.

-サヤカ-

Yesterday when we were at kiyomizu temple I passed by that shop where I got your matsuri t-shirt for you 2 years ago. 

It gave me a bitter sweet feeling. At least you got to use it quite a bit didn't you?

***

Hi Baby,

Today we were at Universal Studio Japan. It was crazy packed. But because I bought the super expensive express pass, at least we got to ride 7 rides and go to Hogsmeade and Hogwarts. Lol. 

One of the ride was a roller coaster going backwards too. How was it like riding a roller coaster? It's nice being so high up in the sky. It feels closer to you too. 

I am still missing you dreadfully. 

-sunz-

Thinking of you.

-サヤカ-

Reminiscing about you and chili, reminds me that to a certain extent you can eat something a little spicy. Like my favorite Nasi Lemak. 

You would sit on my lap as I was eating it and I would give you a bit of my chicken or egg, and sometimes a little bit of the rice with sambal. 

And you seemed to love it, as did I. 

***

Hi Baby,

Today sis and I went to Kyoto. To kiyomizu temple. 

I got us dolled up in kimonos. 

It was a little cold, so I had a little pouch with you in it. Hanging from my obi. 

As far as possible I've been carrying you around. I guess I will put you down when I'm ready, but for the time being. Stay with me, ok? 

-sunz-

Always with me.

-サヤカ-

I am suddenly reminded of using you a little like a Vacuum cleaner. Though I doubted that you disliked it. 

I remember that I even tried I demonstrate to sis. What an efficient Hoover you were. 

After earring Biscuits or whatever, which left some crumbs on the table. I would then lift you up; hover you over the table as you greedily lapped up all the crumbs. 

Those were the days huh?

***

Hi Baby,

How have you been? Did you get the message that sis and I wrote for you yesterday? Or will we have to wait till when they do their prayers and send all the wishes up to the water God? 

I carry you around with me as much as possible now a days. I don't know if it's healthy to do that but at least it keeps me from crying so much. 

-sunz-

Small in size, big at heart.

-サヤカ-

Do you remember that time? It was before I left for England, probably when I was in college. 

Every Thursday I had piano classes. From around 5-6 if I remembered correctly, and your daily walks were at 5, so mom or dad would have to walk you. 

I remembered this one time, I had just gotten back from my piano class and I saw mom walking you, you were nearly done and on the way home, so you were down our street.

 When suddenly this young chap, a Chinese boy, wearing a baseball cap walked past.

I guess due to the trauma from the break in or something, you didn't like people wearing such caps, and you started to chase and bark at him.

And for some reason this nearly full grown man, a human being 20 times your size got scared and started walking faster. While throwing glances at you from behind. 

It may have been totally mean of me, but I seriously found it so hilarious that I burst out laughing so hard that I had to hold on to the gate for support. 

And the poor chap was looking at me in bewilderment, interchanging to look at you every second with fear. 

The look on his face? Priceless. *chuckles*

***

Hi Baby, 

Today after our stay at Kurama Onsen, I brought sis to kibune shrine, since I had already been to Kurama temple in 2013.

It was a beautiful and tranquil place. So sis and I wrote a plaque for you, at the shrine of the water God, a dragon.

-sunz-

On the merry go round.

-サヤカ-

I remembered the time I was so cheeky. I gave you chilli. I was eating pan Mee and the accompanying chilli which seemed a little sambal-ish had a nice citrus smell to it.

You were being the usual curious you so I let you smell the chilli packet. Then you decided to lick it *chuckle*

But I must admit that chilli was quite spicy and it was too spicy for you that you ended up running around the house. Like you were trying to run away from the spicyness.

***

Hi Baby,

I gues I do feel a little soothed to have a little part of you near me, being able to talk to you and treat you like you are still here is probably helping a little..

But anyway, so the three of us, you, me and sis are in kurama now, my first hot spring in Japan - Kurama Onsen. While I can't bring you to the onsen at least you are close enough to me.

-sunz-

Here you were not being very cooperative.

Wish me a Merry Christmas.

-サヤカ-

Do you remember last year? I think for a first time we held a Christmas party. Because sis or dad wanted to eat turkey or something I guess, so we threw a party.

Almost every one from dad's side of the family came including your kai ma.

We set up the Christmas tree, prepared a lot of food.

You got to somewhat feast as well, as you got to eat some of the turkey that we were having as well.

We had quite a small Christmas tree, and after decorating it, I thought that it would be nice to have you sit beside it and take a picture, but boy did you prove to be quite uncooperative.

Look at the attentiveness, the wonder of treats.

You kept coming towards me instead of staying at the tree for your photo shoot, and I had to bribe you to stay next to the tree long enough for my picture session.

Well naturally I ended taking a lot of pictures, and despite all the people in the house, we still never forgot you, and made sure you were part of the festivities too, though we didn't have a hat small enough for you.

I guess the hat you had on worked just fine.

Thank you for last Christmas.

After some bribing

Obviously eyeing the treat...

***
Hi Baby,

It's Christmas today, and I was dearly reminded of last Christmas, and the Christmas party we had last year.

I have a little part of you with me now, and I guess it might be helping me to settle down a bit.

I slept with you last night, and this morning when it was so cold, I don't know if I imagined it or dreamt it, but I kinda felt/saw you burrowing under my blankets next to me to keep out of the cold. Just like how you usually use to do.

Would it be foolish of me to think that you are here with me?

-sunz-

"Into The West"

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You’ve come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

[Chorus]
What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say: «We have come now to the end»
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

[Chorus]

And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

-サヤカ-

You hardly stole my food, but I remember this one time and it was probably the first time you stole my food. To be frank I was probably to be blamed as well.　

At the beginning we were careful about not giving you human food, since everyone kept saying that it wouldn't be good for you.

So this one time stands out to me even till today.

It was probably around Chinese New Year, and I was eating that dried meat that I really love to eat during the festive season. I sometimes ate too much that I ended up falling sick, but I digress.

Anyway we were at home, and I had this treat with me. You really wanted to eat this meaty treat too, I know, I mean just by looking at your face, the puppy eye look.

But I think dad said it was salty, so it was a no-go for you.

So I was siting on the floor watching TV, very well aware that you wanted my Ba Gua. I was tempted to give in to you puppy eyes, but since it was salty, I was stuck in between.

Although I half expected you to do it, I didn't really think you would do it, as I lowered my hand to my lap as I watched the TV with that one piece of Ba Gua still in my hand.

It suddenly disappeared!

You sneaked around like a ninja and stole it right out of my hands, and I didn't even realise it till when I wanted to bring my hand up to finish off that piece! *Chuckle*

So see, you can't blame me for dressing you up as a ninja after that right?

***

Hi Baby,

Today a part of you accompanied me the whole day. And I guess that made me feel a little itty twenie bit relieved...

-sunz-

The year 2015 is coming to an end, and it seems to have been a year of tears for me.

Was coming to Japan really the right thing?

Earlier around April or May, I got the news from dad that one of our neighbours who was battling cancer, had passed away.

He was dad's colleague and long time friend, I had known him since I was a child.

I shed some tears for him on the train back from work upon hearing this news.

He was a kind uncle and in some sense had seen us grow up, and while not integral, he was, in his own way a part of our lives. I will always remember him as the uncle who car pooled with dad, and that helped dad punch his card at the office sometimes.

I really wished that I could have attended his memorial, and was really worried about dad, since this was his long time colleague and friend.

But while I was sad, there wasn't much I could do, and life seemed to go on, and dad seemed okay.

May you rest in peace uncle Teck Loong.

After that in October, my precious left me, despite our promise that he lets me send him off when his time comes. Probably he did try to keep his promise, he probably thought I was home for good when I came home in September.

Since my precious has been with me for almost half my life, I am still unable to take it easy, and I still cry almost every day over him. But tomorrow part of him will come to me, and hopefully that makes it a bit easier for me.

But I write enough about him every day that I don't need to reiterate that in this post.

And well today, I found out from my brother that my primary school's headmaster. Mr Yeoh Boon Keat, the Headmaster of Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan Taman Megah, had peacefully passed away at the age of 74 on 20 December 2015.

He retired in the year 1994, I was probably in primary 2 then, but I still remembered him, remembered talking to him, remembered crying and running after his car when he left the school during his retirement.

I even remember some students telling him not to go. I have always remembered him as a kind and sincere man.

Again while I would have liked to attend the memorial service of this great man, who after 2 decades since I last saw him, could still bring tears to my eyes upon hearing about this death, I am unable to since I am now in Japan.

Mr Yeoh was a great teacher, now a days you won't find any teacher who would go around picking up rubbish and cleaning the drains. I think I remember picking rubbish with him once and having a short chat with him.

He was also a teacher that would go round talking to the children like they were his kids. He genuinely cared for the students. Even though there was so many of us.

The world doesn't seem to produce teachers like that anymore, well at least not in the cities.

Mr Yeoh, may you rest in peace, know that you are much loved by all your students (who are now probably spread all over the globe), even now at least 2 decades since we have left school.

-サヤカ-

Dance a little whirlwind with me.

-サヤカ-

I think it's an established fact that I'm quite a lazy person. Many people will attest to that. I remember that one of my lazy bouts included letting you in from the garden.

When you were past one years old, I started to let you out of the house, for walks and into the garden to play. But more often then not I would accompany you for a while to play in the garden, chasing grass, or playing fetch with your toy, but then you were always reluctant to come in.

And the weather was so hot that I would want to just come in to rest in the house where it was cooler. Since you were so small, dad put some fencing on the main door so that you couldn't get out, but that also meant that you couldn't get in.

I wasn't so keen on leaving the door hanging wide open, due to security reasons, so it was better to always have it latched, although not locked, so that I could have easy access to you.

But you were a cheeky one, you would stand at the door, and acted like you wanted to come in, when I opened the door you wouldn't come in. I guess you probably wanted me to go outside to play with you, but it was too hot for that, so most of the time I didn't do it.

It also got a little tiring for me, having to guess whether you wanted to come in or not sometimes. So the genius that I was, I decided to use the sliding door which was not fenced up.

I thought you to come in from that side of the house so that when you came in, that means no more going out.

Do you still remember the first time I brought you through? I had to coax you and even pull you in a little. But you were a smart one, and after that whenever I was lazy you would know how to come through that side of the house, though you did try to attempt to use it to go back out, and I had to teach you that that entrance was a one way street.

One of the things that only I would know.

***

Hi Baby,

Part of you is arriving with sis tomorrow. I had a lazy day, and cleaned a little in anticipation of the both of you.

I realised I didn't tell Sin about you, so today I told him, and we talked a little. It is still very hard for me to tell anyone that you have already left me or to admit that you are no longer here.


-sunz-

Why does the world go on spinning?

Why does the sea rush a shore?

Don't they know?

It's the end of the world,

It ended when you said "Goodbye".

-サヤカ-

Whenever I used to work late, I would have to pick you up from mom & dad's room. Remember that?

Most of the time you wold already be sleeping too. If you weren't you would be barking at the door, as if saying "who goes there?" or were you scolding me? Saying "do you know what time it is young lady?" haha I guess we will never know.

But without fail I would come pick you up every night, and I remembered the look on your face, it was the same every time.

In the darkness of mom & dad's room, you would either be: 1. waiting behind the door, sniffing at the crack below the door, barking asking me to quickly come get you probably; 2. be half awake and are  halfway between the door and the bed; or 3. sleeping soundly and I would have to call for you, to wake you up to come to me.

In situation 2 & 3, you would usually walk so catiously towards me, as if you were afraid I wasn't real, you must have thought that I had went away, and it was a dream that I was home.

I'm sorry that you had to think that way.

***

Hi Baby,

Today wasn't a good day for me. It's just one of those days.

-sunz-

Hi

Grief  

grief |griːf|
noun [ mass noun ]
1 intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief.
• [ count noun ] an instance or cause of intense sorrow: time heals griefs and quarrels.
2 informal trouble or annoyance: the police gave us constant grief at the match.

Going through grief and/or dealing with someone who is going through grief is never an easy thing. 

Grief doesn't go away in a day or two, or a few weeks or a few months, it can last for years, so a lot of time, love and patience is needed when dealing with someone who is going through grief.

Yet it is amazing how little people know about grief, even when they have experienced it themselves. Even when information is so easily available on the internet now.

So, while I'm sincerely thankful that you are all willing to put up with me in my most difficult time, but to spare (mostly) me any further grief by people who do not know how to deal with people going through grief aka me and are too lazy to google anything (or are not practicing what they have read), please note this few summarized points.

1. While I understand that you are busy and that you have your own life to lead, please note that if you don't have the time, love or patience to deal with someone going through grief, then please avoid people who are grieving. While you may have good intentions, dealing with someone who is going through grief, requires a lot of time, love and patience. It's not either one, you need all three.
   
2. I need to cry, so let me cry. Don't tell me to stop crying. Don't change the subject when I cry. If I could stop crying, I would have already done so.
   
3. Don't tell me "I know" and/or "I understand". Frankly, I don't know what you know, and I don't understand what you understand. These is one of the worse things you can say to a grieving person. Even if you have lost someone or something precious to you before, you do not know or understand anything about my feelings. So please, please stop saying that.
   
4. When I am talking about why I feel so aggrieved (aka my feelings), even if I do sound like a broken recorder. Please just listen to me. While I appreciate it, I really don't need any suggestions, inputs, or to hear about your feelings or experience because I'm the one that is supposed to be consoled, not the other way around.
   
5. If you wish to offer a hug, do not hug me without prior notice. You will seem like you are attacking me not comforting me.
   
6. Telling me to "move on", "let it go","get a new dog" etc., feels like you are belittling my feelings. Please stop saying that. I will move on when I'm ready, I will probably never let him go, and I will probably never get a new dog.
   
7. All I need is your presence, you don't have to say anything or do anything special. Just stay by my side, cry with me if you will, but in essence that's all I need

It's funny how all of us are seemingly taught to deal with grief. Is grief so shameful that all of us have to act like it does not exist? That we should not talk about it? 

A new found friend's grandfather had recently passed away, and before I could even try to console him, or offer him my ear or shoulder, he switched the subject, as if his grief was nothing of importance. 

Why do we do this? People should not need to hide their grief and people should not shun those who are grieving or act like they don't know that person is grieving. 

I'm not saying that we should baby a grieving person, a normal as possible semblance of life would be good, but the grieving person needs to know that if he/she needs it, he/she can just cry freely, talk about their grief freely and not be judged.

That said, I do appreciate the people that have tried to check in with me from time to time despite their busy schedule. They took some time out of their busy schedule to think about me. It helps a little and makes me feel like there are still people who care.

Because seriously, did you know, that just waking up each morning, and getting out of bed is already an achievement? Making sure I eat, keep warm stay clean and don't fall sick is already another huge achievement. 

While it seems like normal things people do daily, for someone who is grieving (also for people suffering from depression), all these are huge achievements, which we try to do everyday. 

Getting out of the house, meeting people, trying not to cry the whole day, or to cry for that one day - all these are huge achievements. 

Trying to regain a normal semblance of life - is a huge achievement. 

Trying to tell people that your precious is no longer here and hold your tears back, is a huge achievement.

But trying to upkeep all these achievements everyday, is tiring, and that's when I need you the most to anchor me down, so that I don't feel tempted to follow my dragon to the heavens,

Doggy in the Window

How much is that Doggy in the window?

The one with the waggily tail...

-サヤカ-

Even though we gave you a free run of the house, due to school and work, more often then not we had to leave you home alone.

Or sometimes when we went out to run errands. You would be home alone.

Every time we did that, you would wait for us to come home.

Before dad moved the shoe cabinets to the tall window next to the door, that would be your usual waiting spot.

You would drag your cloth or something to the door, and lay there and wait. So whenever we opened the door we had to be careful not to open it too suddenly.

Other times, you would prop your head on the sill of the tall window next to the door to look out. Waiting for us to come home.

And sometimes when I got home and saw you like that, I would sing to you "How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waggily tail..."

You looked so cute, with only your head visible, propped up on the sill...

***

Hi Baby,

It has been a tiring week for me, so I decided to take it slow today, I tidied up my cupboard, packed some more clothes for sis to bring home.

I also bought some heat tech wear for sis, Uniqlo has really been making a fortune out of me. I'm waiting for the laundy then I will go to bed.

Can't wait for you to come to me.

-sunz-

Cry me a river. 

-サヤカ-

Do you remember the time we started to let you out from the kitchen area when we weren't home? 

For some reason we decided that we could give you free reign of the house when we weren't home rather than keep you locked up behind. 

One day we came home and couldn't find you. And we kind of panicked. 

We searched the house for you, calling for you. Then dad somehow decided to check upstairs. 

And there he found you. On the bottom bunk of the double decker bed. 

I think that time we probably had already switched rooms. And that bottom bunk which used to belong to me was being probably occupied by bro then. 

And there we found you, looking at us so innocently as if asking "what's all the fuss about?"

That was the first time we discovered that you could climb up the stairs. We underestimated you because of your small size then...

***

Hi Baby,

I had to wake up early to work today. But basically I'm just sitting around like a flower pot. Sigh. 

Four more days till when you come to me.

-sunz-

Dance a little whirlwind for me.

-サヤカ-

Speaking bout you hurting emotionally yesterday. I didn't mention how I knew how my leaving for the UK had hurt you so much. 

So... Here goes...

For one, your angry face and reluctance to come to me for a while was one obvious sign. 

But I think the most obvious was that. When you are upstairs. You never headed for my room anymore like you used to do. 

My room used to be the first place you would go to. But that changed after UK. 

And I would always had to look for you in mom and dad's room. 

I guess I was a little upset bout it initially, but in the end it was better that way. Since when I started work and always worked late. 

When I got home I would come pick you up for bed, and then mom and dad would know I was home because of that. 

***

Hi Baby,

Today will be kind of hectic for me, I guess. In the morning I had to go to the university for a moot workshop. 

And in the night I have to head to Osaka for a year end party with the Malaysians. 

So while the workshop is a whole day event. Unfortunately I'm skipping out to go home to get ready to go to Osaka. 

Totally unrelated as well, but it's getting too damn cold! 

-sunz-

I think this was taken before I got on my flight to England.

When we leave,

We leave a big gaping hole,

That never closes.

-サヤカ-

My going to England 9 years ago for my studies, was probably the first time we had been apart for so long. Since we were usually inseparable, that on school breaks, rather than go out with my friends, I'd rather stay home with you. 

Usually every night you would go to my room, to sleep with me, and if I had my door closed you would make sniffing sounds at the bottom of the door's crack to let me know you were there, or you would bark softly to ask me to open the door for you.

Although I told you that I was leaving, I guess it was still difficult for you to accept or understand then, and every night you would look for me, and you didn't eat for 3 days apparently, until I had to call home and asked you to eat. 

And I heard from mom, that maternal grandmother stayed over and slept in my room, with the lights on and the door closed, you probably thought I was home and according to mom you stayed outside my door that whole night.

Just listening to her tell me all those then, and thinking of it now, it's so heart wrenching, then and now.

That's how attached you were to me.

In my room in Reading, next to the light switch to turn off the lights I had your picture there - It was the last thing I saw every night before I slept. 

That was how attached I was to you.

I now have your picture again, next to my bed, it's the last thing I see before I turn off the lights every night again.

While I did some emotional damage to you in that time I was away in England, but at least I came home to you in the end.

But this time... Where do I go to come home to you?

***

Hi Baby,

I got how you felt 9 years ago, and this year when I went away for an extended time. While I have more in my life to keep me occupied unlike you, I at least understand the feeling of not wanting to be apart that we both felt, and at least on my part, still feel.

-sunz-

Somewhere out there,

Beneath the great blue sky.

(Excerpt from the American Tale's theme song)

-サヤカ-

Today is dad's birthday, which reminded me of that one time I found out about dad secretly feeding you part of his birthday cake.

I can't remember what year was it, but mum had ordered the cheese cake that we all loved so much for dad's birthday. 

Dad seems to really love cheese cake and ate it with gusto, I guess you gave him the puppy eye look and he gave in and gave you some.

Much to my chagrin when I found out, because cheese is considered salty and is bad for your fur, not to mention it's dairy, which your stomach couldn't take too much off.

But in the end, since you seemed to enjoy it, once in a while we ended up giving you cheese sometimes or cake (as long as it wasn't chocolate or coffee cake).

Caught in action.. lol

***

Hi Baby,

My guests left this morning, and I've been spending the whole day doing laundry and scrubbing the house clean. In all the 9 months that I've lived here, this is the first time I had to scrub the bathroom this hard and use chlorine. 

Well amongst other things.. it's because one of the girls had purple hair, and the colour came off onto my bathroom wall and door, and stained it. So I had to scrub really hard to try to get it out, and in the end resorted to chlorine. Resulting in me being dead tired.

I think save for family. My place is closed to guests, have had enough of them. lol 

Also since it has been getting colder, the windows indoors have been condensing like mad, so I went to Daiso to get those things people stick on their window to so called absorb the water. 

Let's see how well they work, otherwise... Well, I just gave my window a cute chrismassy feel.

The before picture of the window 

And....

After...

For the other side I forgot to take a before shot. There is only an after shot..

-sunz-

Uphill

As I stand here,

Looking upwards,

Trying to catch my breath,

I wipe my tears,

And contemplate that,

Which has,

For many nights,

Occupied my mind,

Should I continue,

On this uphill trudge,

Or can I just stop,

And follow after you?

-サヤカ-

They say that pets help with pain, especially dogs, so there are a lot of therapy dogs out there.

While I'm not exactly sure about the science behind it - since I've not read intensively about it, but I do feel that it is true.

Like you, I hate injections, and there was this time I was taking some shots at home, where mom gave them to me.

The first shot she gave me, hurt like hell.

Out of fear or anticipation of the pain, usually our body would subconsciously tense up, it's really difficult to consciously release the tension. 

Most of my shots happened at hospitals, so since these shots were given at home, the second time, I decided to hold you.

It's psychological, I know, but the effect was tremendous, I didn't tense up as much as usual, as I cuddled you comfortably in my arms, and as a result it hurt much less. The easiest shot I have ever had in my life.

But...

You are no longer here to help with my pains.


***

Hi Baby,

I was suddenly reminded of September, when I came home for my holiday cum business trip.  When I first got home, I had to go out for my facial, and you followed me to the stairs, with tears in your eyes, as if asking me, "where are you going now?" I still remember that look on your face vividly. It broke my heart then, but I just gave you a little forlorn smile and assured you that I would be home.

And when I laid down on the couch during that time, you came to me as usual, asking to join me on the couch. However you would usually sleep at my feet, but during that whole time, you would sleep by my side.

You knew didn't you? You thought I was home and that you didn't have to fight anymore right? Who knew that I was only home for a short while. And couldn't be there in the end.

How do you continue when half your life has died?


-sunz-

What can I give,

To have one more day with you,

To touch you one more time.

-サヤカ-

There was this one time, I think bro was in my room which I shared with sis then, and you were on the bed. I don't remember what we were talking about, but you seemed so excited and was happily bouncing around on the bed.

The air-conditioning was on, so sis and I were under the blankets, and you were jumping happily on the bed, when from mine and sis's view point, you suddenly disappeared.

It seems that in all your jumping, you accidentally jumped off the bed *chuckles*.

We scrambled to the edge of the bed to see you on the floor. With a priceless look on your face, like telling me "that was so scary".

Luckily you were not hurt, but you never jumped around much on the bed any more after that.

***

Hi Baby,

I miss you.


-sunz-

The night sky,

Peeks at you,

From the groove,

Formed by leaves,

Floating upwards,

Reaching the skies,

Close to the stars,

As I wish to be,

Closer to you.

-サヤカ-

When I baked an apple pie one day, I realised that you liked the pastry. Though there was a bit of salt in it, I couldn't help it, but let you have some, since you seemed to love it.

Maybe the smell of butter on it was enticing?

But since then, whenever I baked, I would sometimes make little separate pastry cookies for you, I even made them into shapes, using the cookie cutter.

And you'd end up with special star shaped home made pastry cookies as treats.

***

Hi Baby,

Tomorrow for my English class, which is the last class before I give myself and my students a break for Christmas, I've decided to let the students experience a Christmas Bingo, and even prepared prizes.

I searched around my place for ginger bread man cookies to give to them as presents, and found some last week.

I packaged them up today, and it suddenly reminded me of those pastry cookies I would sometimes make for you.

Little star shaped cookies that you'd so eagerly gobble up.

It's been physically tiring from me since last Friday, and I feel like I'm breaking down a little...

-sunz-

Oh, What it is,

To be young.

-サヤカ-

Actually yesterday, when I brought my guests to the Kobe port tower, there was a young french bull dog, probably almost a year old - I can't remember -  pulling on its owner's leash, excited to get away, to play with people and other dogs.

And somehow I reached out to it, and it excitedly started licking my hand. 

It's the first dog I've touched since I left you in Malaysia. But I digress.

That little french bull dog, made me think back to how you were when you were a puppy.

When we first met, you were quite the calm and composed, cautious little thing. 

And after we took you home, you were quite well behaved, eager to please and so easy to train and teach.

But I remember, sometimes you would get very excited too, and you would lick my face.

At one time you took to sniffing my ear, I don't know why. But it tickled and it was cute, while i squealed with laughter, since it was so ticklish.

Then one day you stopped, I guess you thought that my pulling you away from my ear meant that I didn't like it. 

In some sense it was really ticklish, but I really did not hate it. And I missed it when you didn't do it anymore. 

***

Hi Baby,

I had a tiring day today. I brought my guests to Kyoto, since Arashiyama was having a light up display event till Christmas Eve called Hanatouro - 花灯路. It was not as crazy as the Kobe Luminiare yesterday, and it was really nice.

I realised that unlike last time, where I'd feel.. I guess you could say a little touched / amazed over beautiful sights, I don't seem to feel much or almost anything at all, although I was like "oh it's nice, let me take some pictures". I can't seem to appreciate this kind of things the way I used too anymore.

But I had fun. Two of my Malaysian friends that live and work in Osaka joined us and ended up playing tour guide for us, and it's been a while, since I've experienced a fully Malaysian bunch (My Japanese colleague joined for lunch but had to leave in the evening - so it ended up with it being all Malaysians)

-sunz-

To see the unseen.

-サヤカ-

Do you believe in the unseen? People often say that dogs can see what normal people can't see.

How much of it can we believe? I don't know about other dogs, but I can say with certainty, that  you could see the unseen.

I think I was probably about 19 at that time, already in law school. It was the 7th month of the Chinese calendar too. 

The aura around the house wasn't very good at the time I guess.

I remembered that I was watching television when you started to bark fiercely at the stairs. You wouldn't stop your incessant barking and I was trying to watch my TV. 

So I looked over from the living room to see what you were barking at, and saw a black shadowy figure on the stairs looking at you. 

It somehow felt malicious, so I got scared, and I immediately commanded you over to me and pretended that I didn't see that black shadow. 

And I tried to continue watching my TV, whilst holding you close to me. Till today I don't know what it was, but it didn't feel good.   

I don't know how it got into the house.  and I don't know whether I was its initial  target, or it started following me because it noticed I could see it. 

But it was scary as hell. 

Especially a few nights after that, when I woke up to your fierce growling and barking, to realise it was standing next to my bed.

It looked like it was trying to reach out to you, so I got scared and grabbed you and hid under the covers wishing it away.

A few days after that, while I was using my iBook at my table next to the window, I suddenly saw a kindly old lady, dressed in what looked like a grey samfoo, grey hair tied back in a tight bun behind her head, smile at me from outside of my window.

It wouldn't have been so scary if I wasn't on the second floor. I tried to calmly - acting like I didn't see her - move to the bed to continue with whatever I was doing on the computer.

However, although I was surprised and a little scared, I didn't feel like she was scary or that she had any ill intentions.

I remember after that, that I felt like normal. 

I'm not sure if you saw her, or sensed her, as I think you were either already on the bed, or probably downstairs at the time. 

I found out just not too long ago, that she is my great grandmother i.e. mom's grandmother. 

It seems like she has been protecting mom and probably us all this while, since she apparently appeared in bro's dreams before as well. 

I've never seen her picture before, and I don't really remember what the woman outside the window looked liked anymore, but when I described her to mom, she was somehow confident she knew who she is.

And truth be told, I didn't see the black shadow anymore. 

Mom said that she had a dream where great grandma told her that she can't watch over her anymore, so she probably went for reincarnation, or she probably couldn't remain in this physical world anymore. 

But if she is where you are now, I would like, if it's possible. for you to stay by her side till we meet again. 

I'm sure the both of you will take good care of each other till that time.

 ***

Hi Baby,

Today before going out to the Koe Port and to the Kobe Luminiare event, my guests were talking to me about things which should not be seen, and their experiences. 

I did not share my experience with them, but it reminded me of this time. Where you bravely barked at that evil spirit, and protected me at night from it.

Although it was really scary at that time, having you in my arms was a real comfort. 

Kobe tower at night.

Kobe Luminare / 神戸ルミナリエ

-sunz-

Wind

As the wind blows away,

My hair flutters,

And I wondered,

Can the wind blow away,

My pain,

So deeply embedded,

That once again, 

May my heart flutter.

-サヤカ-

The other day, I watched a video of a corgi, trying to jump over a little railing, but it couldn't, and its owner was videotaping it.

It tried and it tried, and still couldn't, then it faced its owner and started barking, as if saying, "hey stop recording and get your ass over here and help me".

It was really funny, and it reminded me of you. To be frank you hardly barked at me, rather you'd give me that puppy eye look. 

But there was this one time, you were trying to get yi lai up the stairs, but she was too heavy and too big for you. 

And you tried, and you tried, but couldn't get her up the stairs.

It was so funny. 

You ended up getting frustrated and started barking at yi lai instead. 

Instead of asking for help, you were scolding her haha.

That was a good memory.

***

Hi Baby,

It's a really windy and rainy day today. 

Another Friday has come, no longer do I seem to appreciate Fridays. 

Because on Fridays I have to try my best not to cry.

But that isn't the only thing about me that has changed.

In this one week, I've seen 2 dogs, of your breed and colour. One in Koya san, and one in town today.

And while my eyes involuntarily followed those two creatures, it was forlorn. No longer were they excited.

That Friday, which seems like it was so long ago, has changed me.

I realised it when Emily squealed and got excited over a Labrador in Koyasan. 

I used to get excited whenever I saw any dogs in person. 

But not anymore.

I used to get excited seeing, pet supplies or pet stores.

But not anymore. 

In fact I seem to get something akin to a panic attack when I realise I'm near a pet store or pet supplies. My heart rate seems to speed up, i.e. It feels like I have palpitations, and it feels like if I hang around the vicinity any longer, that I would have trouble breathing.

Probably because of my current work, Fridays don't make that much difference to me any more. But I usually do not have any strong feelings towards any day of the week anyway.

But now, I don't like Fridays. Because it reminds me of that Friday, 2 months ago.

I recently had to refill my shower gel, and because I use baby products, the new shower gel, smells a bit like yours. 

And I broke down crying in the shower just now. Will I cry now, every time I shower?

While I don't usually seem to feel or express much it's different than now, where I just feel empty...

And once again I started thinking, how much I want you by my side, then end up crying, because I know that isn' tpossible anymore.

-sunz-

It's a gloomy day,

With cloudy skies,

As tears fall from the heavens.

-サヤカ-


Since yesterday we talked about cho lin, I think it's only fair we talk about your "mistress" aka yi lai today lol.

To be frank, similar to cho lin, we didn't really intend to give you the hush puppy toy dog as a toy initially.

It initially belonged to sis, I can't remember where she got it from, but it used to sit on that little glass table next to the phone.

One day, you being little cheeky you, you pulled the hush puppy down from the table by its tail and started to play with it. No matter how many times we put it back, you would always try to pull her down to play whenever you got the chance.

Perhaps you were bored, since dad always kept all your toys, so you made a new toy.

In the end, we decided to give you the hush puppy and dubbed her yi lai.

She was a bit too big and heavy for you to lift, but you still managed to drag her around a lot.

And you always bit her in the same place, at her hind legs, till there were holes, and her fillings were coming out.

At that time I think mom suggested I throw yi lai away.

But you were so fond of her that I decided to fix her up.

You had bitten the area with the holes until the area was quite tough, so it was a little hard sew on the cloth to cover the holes, but I managed it (with a few pricks lol). 

And you got to enjoy yi lai whenever you liked.

Though personally I think that when cho lin and yi lai are both available to you, you tend to play with cho lin more. lol

***

Hi Baby,

How are you today? It's raining today here.

I've started watching a China version of criminal minds, called "Love me if you dare" it's quite interesting and funny, and I'm using it to fill my time now.


-sunz-

It feels like bursting,

But the dam is quite strong.

-サヤカ-

First love.  Do you remember  your "First Love"? The silly nick name we gave to one of your toys. Your first soft toy to be precise.

That toy was a toy dog, given to me by a friend, who you could say I was once close with. I put up with a lot of her antics for 3 years as I preferred to only see the good side to people.

When in fact she could hardly keep any other friend besides me for a year. A lot of people asked me how did I manage to stay her friend for 3 years. But I digress.

Anyway, since it's well known amongst my friends that I love dogs, many a time I've received a doggy soft toy from my friends and your "first love" or "cho lin" as we liked to call her in Cantonese, was such a present.

She used to sit innocently on my bad, then one day you started biting on her nose. I doubt we could say you were teething, as I think you were past one years old that time.

But I always tried to make you jealous by praising cho lin, saying she was a "good dog", I guess that your jealousy got to you and you started biting her.

Till one day, I realized her nose was missing. Well since I had no attachment to the toy anymore, as I was no longer friends with the person who gave it to me. And since it was just sitting there, I thought you would be better off with it, and gave her to you as your toy, as your cho lin.

And she was your cho lin for so many years of your life, accompanying you to Bentong, sitting with you in your bed.

I think it's amazing that you can recognise your toys and would go fetch her when I asked you "where is cho lin?".

I would like to think I was your actual first love haha (in a maternal sense, not romantic sense), but anyway, she was your cho lin, and she will always be your cho lin. I will make sure that she continues to sit next to you when I get home to you.

***

Hi Baby,

It's hard not being able to cry. I want to cry, but sometimes it feels like I don't know how to cry anymore. I try not to think too much. But the pain doesn't go away. Although I'm tired of crying, I seriously think it's unhealthy for me to stop.

I used to get excited and happy when I saw other dogs, but now I just feel morose when I see other dogs.

-sunz-

My tea sparkles.

-サヤカ-

Baby talk... We used to do that a lot to you, didn't we? In fact I think that was mostly how we spoke to you.

Me asking you "what you were doing", me telling you it's time for your shower, or your meal, or asking you if you wanted to eat.. & me singing to you, are but the few examples of me baby talking you. 

So, truth be told it's kind of painful for me to baby talk to my own nephew now.

***

Hi Baby,

I'm currently enjoying a cup of tea, given to me by own of the professors, as apparently she doesn't drink flavoured tea.

The tea is really nice, I'm drinking what is called "Champagne Rose" and the tea has little gold specks in it, making it look pretty as it sparkles when I sip it.

On a separate note, I've lived at my apartment for about 9 months, and this morning as I was leaving for work, for the first time, I had an anonymous message written on a piece of paper torn from some advertisement, saying "しずかにしてください" lol which just means, please keep quite/please keep the noise down.

My current guests are quite noisy people I guess, and I suspect that the complaint must have stemmed more from all the stomping around the house, that even woke me up this morning.

-sunz-

The sun ray splays over the mountains,

Bringing out the colours of Autumn.

-サヤカ-

Do you remember? That time we went for a walk, and we stopped in front of Angel's house. Mom and I was having a chat with Mr Ng, and he was suggesting that you perhaps breed with Angel since you had good genes.

So he tried to let Angel play with you. But I guess since she speaks Chinese and you speak English, you couldn't communicate that well could you.

She suddenly turned tail and started to attack you; she started snapping at you for some reason, and it was so adorable how you ran to me for help immediately.

I quickly carried you up, but because I was still squatting down, she jumped up and bit your testicles @_@' That was absolutely so mean of her.

My poor baby.

Of course you had no relations with her after that. Since for some reason every time after that, when she saw you, she would always want to attack you...

I was a bit curious though, what did you say to her to piss her off? lol

p/s: I've actually posted about this back in 2008 when it happened, here.

***

Hi Baby,

As I've said, I've friends over till the 17th. I'm mostly letting them travel by themselves, since I don't have the time or money or energy to accompany them everywhere.

But that's just how it is currently.

-sunz-