Is this punishment?

I want to see you so much, I hope as much as you want to see me too. 

And though I search for you in my dreams you never come. 

I miss you so, so much.

And I wished everyday that I could dream of you,

and I guess Kami sama was kind..

I was allowed to meet you, although only twice.. 

The first to let me know that you were hungry. I just knew in that dream that you were telling me that you were hungry. 

And the second time, that you were waiting for me to come home. Even though you had others around you, but you were ignoring them and dolefully waiting. (or you were probably upset when mom and dad took out those luggage bags of theirs to pack for their trip here lol)

It's just a few more weeks baby, I'm sorry that you have to keep waiting, but I'm coming home soon ok? 

I'm coming home soon to you. 

-sunz- 

"He wouldn't want you to be like this."

"I'm sure he wants you to be happy."

How on earth would they know what you wanted??!

You could not speak in a language that they understand, and most of them had hardly spent any time with you. How would they know what you want??!

Even I who have been. By your side the longest wouldn't know what you want, what do you want me to do at this point? 

To stop crying?

To stop thinking too much?

I do know that in our 13 years together, that what you wanted then was lots of cuddles.

For us to always be together. 

To go for lots of walks. 

And that you missed me terribly every time I was away, as I missed you as well. 

That you would cry every time you heard my voice when I called home because you missed me. 

That you would wait by the door, looking out waiting for me to come home, because you missed me. 

That when ever you are in pain, i would be there to comfort you. 

What you wanted was for me to be there those last 2 weeks.

For me to cuddle you, calm you and tell you that it was all ok.

To be by your side during that last moments. 

And to continue being together with you. 

That's what you wanted.

And what do I want? 

I want to hold you again. 

I wanted to spend your last year with you

I wanted to care for you during those 2 weeks.

I wanted to be there when you went. 

And then I just get so angry, angry at you, angry at myself, angry at the world everything. 

Of all the years, why last year??!! Why when I wasn't there? We had so many years, why did it have to be last year!!!!!

-sunz-

I wish that you will never leave me.

No matter how unbearable,

I was to you, 

Or you to me. 

I can't live alone. 

I am weak. 

I am not as strong, 

As you think me to be. 

If you leave me, 

I will crumble and fall.

Into a million pieces. 

Shattered, 

Probably beyond repair. 

But it's envitable. 

There will come a day, 

Where we must leave. 

And I must learn,

Learn to go on. 

Even if I'm alone, 

So...

Before you go,

Write me a letter. 

Tell me it's ok. 

Tell me goodbye, 

But tell me also,

That you are not,

Leaving me behind. 

That you are just waiting, 

For me at the other end. 

Tell me that it's ok to go on. 

That I will be happy, 

Even without you. 

That my tears will soon dry. 

And my smile will return. 

That life must go on. 

Write me a letter. 

To let me hold on to you. 

For just a little bit longer. 

Till the day I can let go comes. 

Till the day I can go on by myself returns. 

-サヤカ-

It's a pity but my wish will never come true, no matter how hard I wished, no matter what I could give in exchange, but if wishes could come true, I would wish upon a thousand shooting stars just to be with you again.

********

When you left, the world ended, but at the same time it did not end. 

It was and still is difficult to continue without you. 

But as my downcast eyes which watched my tears fall to the ground looked up to the stars, I saw that the flowers had come. 

"Cry, Heart, but never break. Let your tears of grief and sadness help begin new life". 

-Glenn Ringtved- (translated from Danish into English by Robert Moulthrop)

-sunz-

Grief  

grief |griːf|
noun [ mass noun ]
1 intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief.
• [ count noun ] an instance or cause of intense sorrow: time heals griefs and quarrels.
2 informal trouble or annoyance: the police gave us constant grief at the match.

Going through grief and/or dealing with someone who is going through grief is never an easy thing. 

Grief doesn't go away in a day or two, or a few weeks or a few months, it can last for years, so a lot of time, love and patience is needed when dealing with someone who is going through grief.

Yet it is amazing how little people know about grief, even when they have experienced it themselves. Even when information is so easily available on the internet now.

So, while I'm sincerely thankful that you are all willing to put up with me in my most difficult time, but to spare (mostly) me any further grief by people who do not know how to deal with people going through grief aka me and are too lazy to google anything (or are not practicing what they have read), please note this few summarized points.

1. While I understand that you are busy and that you have your own life to lead, please note that if you don't have the time, love or patience to deal with someone going through grief, then please avoid people who are grieving. While you may have good intentions, dealing with someone who is going through grief, requires a lot of time, love and patience. It's not either one, you need all three.
   
2. I need to cry, so let me cry. Don't tell me to stop crying. Don't change the subject when I cry. If I could stop crying, I would have already done so.
   
3. Don't tell me "I know" and/or "I understand". Frankly, I don't know what you know, and I don't understand what you understand. These is one of the worse things you can say to a grieving person. Even if you have lost someone or something precious to you before, you do not know or understand anything about my feelings. So please, please stop saying that.
   
4. When I am talking about why I feel so aggrieved (aka my feelings), even if I do sound like a broken recorder. Please just listen to me. While I appreciate it, I really don't need any suggestions, inputs, or to hear about your feelings or experience because I'm the one that is supposed to be consoled, not the other way around.
   
5. If you wish to offer a hug, do not hug me without prior notice. You will seem like you are attacking me not comforting me.
   
6. Telling me to "move on", "let it go","get a new dog" etc., feels like you are belittling my feelings. Please stop saying that. I will move on when I'm ready, I will probably never let him go, and I will probably never get a new dog.
   
7. All I need is your presence, you don't have to say anything or do anything special. Just stay by my side, cry with me if you will, but in essence that's all I need

It's funny how all of us are seemingly taught to deal with grief. Is grief so shameful that all of us have to act like it does not exist? That we should not talk about it? 

A new found friend's grandfather had recently passed away, and before I could even try to console him, or offer him my ear or shoulder, he switched the subject, as if his grief was nothing of importance. 

Why do we do this? People should not need to hide their grief and people should not shun those who are grieving or act like they don't know that person is grieving. 

I'm not saying that we should baby a grieving person, a normal as possible semblance of life would be good, but the grieving person needs to know that if he/she needs it, he/she can just cry freely, talk about their grief freely and not be judged.

That said, I do appreciate the people that have tried to check in with me from time to time despite their busy schedule. They took some time out of their busy schedule to think about me. It helps a little and makes me feel like there are still people who care.

Because seriously, did you know, that just waking up each morning, and getting out of bed is already an achievement? Making sure I eat, keep warm stay clean and don't fall sick is already another huge achievement. 

While it seems like normal things people do daily, for someone who is grieving (also for people suffering from depression), all these are huge achievements, which we try to do everyday. 

Getting out of the house, meeting people, trying not to cry the whole day, or to cry for that one day - all these are huge achievements. 

Trying to regain a normal semblance of life - is a huge achievement. 

Trying to tell people that your precious is no longer here and hold your tears back, is a huge achievement.

But trying to upkeep all these achievements everyday, is tiring, and that's when I need you the most to anchor me down, so that I don't feel tempted to follow my dragon to the heavens,

*This was a scheduled post, and was written before 16 October 2015, hence the reason why it still sounds so upbeat. I've amended it a little only to reflect the current situation, but left almost all of it as initially drafted.*

I just realized, but 31 October 2015, marks the 10th Anniversary of my blog. 10 years!

What a long way I have come, since then.

I apparently started this blog on 31st October 2005, whilst I was in my first year of Law School / University.

(I know for a fact that I meddled with the date of the first post, so this blog's actual birthday is either before or after that date, but I can't remember the exact date - so let's all just forget bout that technicality here lol) 

The design of this blog is thanks to ccymie who kindly designed the current outline of the blog in 2007 according to my specifications, and I have not been inclined to change the design at all all this years. (Though if and when he has the time I may need some help with some html codes on the sidebar for outdated apps.)

The theme for the blog, being "Flow" where I chose water as the main premise, since water is ever changing, and conforms to whatever container you put it in; it can be gentle and it can be cruel; it's unpredictable. 

Which, is in line with this blog's main focus of being unable to see what the future will bring us i.e. I still stay by the theme of this blog that the 'future is unpredictable'; and that the 'fight to rise once again' is till ongoing as a daily battle. But that's a different story for maybe another day, and/or different audience.

While due to work commitments I had became less active over the years in posting anything at all.

Since I rather spend my spare time catching up on my sleep or other things than racking my brains thinking about posting anything. I've honestly also become more reserved about what I want to share online with people who know me, and what I would like to share with strangers, if any, do read what I write.

I also went through a lot career wise. My direct superior and senior left the team at the same time i.e. in April 2011, forcing a 3 man team into a 1 man team, with the same amount of workload, if not more. Hence the lack of posts from that duration on wards. I did write intermittently during that tough time, so maybe I will retrieve what I wrote and post them later. Those will be backdated though, I think..

And also due to some ex acquaintances, who for a lack of a better word were nosy, stalking, gossip mongers, I had for many years made this blog only available for private viewing - it's public again now, and if you don't like what I post then just don't read or follow this blog.

(I'm in a position now where I seriously don't give a damn about your opinions. It's not like you are losing anything financially or your quality of life by what I post here. So don't waste your time reading something you don't like. i.e. No one is forcing you to read my mindless and lengthy ramblings...)

I did skim through my posts from this past 10 years and all I can say is that, the me of the past 10 years, rambles a lot, curses a lot , procrastinates a lot (I probably still do all three a lot?), has a weird sense of humour(?), freaks out a lot close to exams, took a lot of random online quizzes, and again... Rambles a lot.. Ahh, those were the days... 

Amongst my favourite posts from the past that I found during my skimming - be wary of Manglish - I had this habit of not checking what I wrote for grammatical/spelling errors, and used SMS spellings all the time as well:
Poems I wrote: here, here, here, & here.
Me freaking out over my revenue law assignment
Mother's Day in May 2008
Me Freaking out before the CLP/Malaysian Bar Exam lol
Sister's Birthday Card in August 2008
Precious in his Younger Years in August 2008
My Singaporean Cousin, who is the first to classify my alien-ism as an Amoeba, lol

Anyway besides all the random ramblings, whining, complaints, weird posts.. etc..  (I actually read Shakespeare.. Such a nerd! lol) I apparently live a very uninteresting life, since all I do is work; I don't hold interests in things long enough usually (read: short attention span.. lol..), and I'm apathetic to almost everything that won't cause me or people/things/other living beings, I care about, any financial, physical or psychological harm. I guess overall, I am just not that attached to this world.

But I digress... Back to the topic at hand...

This Blog's 10th Anniversary!!

~~

Well, in this year of 2015, to be more precise 31 October 2015 (darn forgot those html codes to make the words blink =.='), 10 years has come to pass since this blog officially had it's humble beginnings...  

So.... After 10 years..... What's different? Besides the recent loss of Baby (which I will not address further here).

I've started a new chapter of my life, since as of 1 April 2015, for a duration of one year I was stationed in the land of the rising sun.  In a so-called secondment by my firm to work as an assistant professor in a certain university here.

After this stint i.e. in April 2016 I'll be going back home; don't get me wrong, while I love Japan, I don't love living here for the long term due to various reasons that I decline to mention in this post, or it will be never ending.

All I can say is that after Japan, I will need to seriously rethink my future, do I want to keep slaving away at my current law firm, or review other options? (Which are all probably in-house options.)

One thing I can say for sure is that in 2005 when I started law school, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer, and I never considered being a lecturer. So I didn't bother with a LL.M.  (that's the minimum educational requirement to be a lecturer - besides my bar school offered an LL.M from some Australian University that I've never heard of till this day). 

I did consider doing a masters, maybe a LL.M or MBA, since it seemed it might be better for the corporate world, if you hold a directorship or something, (your profile would look a little nicer in the prospectus lol) it could be advantageous, but I've met some lawyers who don't hold any masters at all, and they are doing fine... So I digress...

Anyway back to the topic at hand, now 10 years after the start of law school, I spent about 7 years of that being a corporate lawyer and now I'm an assistant professor at a Japanese University, in Japan obviously, and I must say, to be frank, I still cannot imagine myself in the teaching profession. 

I rather be out there as a lawyer or an in-house counsel. I honestly prefer drafting/reviewing contracts to preparing power points. Talking to clients than to students. You could say I've rediscovered my love for drafting here. 

Maybe I'm still considered young; maybe I like the corporate world better than the academic world; maybe I'm too used to what I have in the corporate world that moving to the academic world seems like something I can't get accustomed to; or maybe it's a case of who moved my cheese. 

The corporate world isn't all rainbows, chocolates, roses, puppies or sunshine either, the long hours I spend slaving away, dealing with crazy people etc. The toll on my health... Both physical and psychologically... But I think in my personal view that it's more challenging and interesting as compared to where I am now. 

Maybe I'm not being utilized to my full potential here at the university, so I feel this way, but I digress, that is a can of "what ifs" that I will probably never have the chance the open in this lifetime.  

Or maybe, if I ever do fall in love, get married and ever have kids, maybe.... Just maybe.... I will find what I have now more appealing....

So here's to another 10 years! To the future where I hope that this blog and/or I'm still around then, or that still remember about this blog and will post something. Cheers!

-サヤカ-

** Because of precious' condition this year I forgot about the 3rd of October, which I guess in a sense was a blessing in disguise, but with the revival of my blog, I was going through my old posts and things I've written all these years, and found this poem which I wrote 5 years ago, aptly titled:

The Third of October

Like the summer rain fall,

It came without a call,

The third of October,

With autumn leaves a-flutter,

It was a day to remember.

Like a dream from many years,

The sands of tine flowed,

Your voice resonates against my ears,

An echo that could not be curbed.

But fate has decided,

She shall play her card,

Our paths once joined,

Were easily removed.

The time spent was short, 

But it is a memory,

I will readily carry.

Though I think of you,

Only on days when the rain falls,

When the sun refuses to shine through the clouds;

A small smile will play on my face,

As the world moves slowly at my pace.

I have grown through those years,

Learnt to cherish what is dear,

And I shall sit here again next year,

By the window to watch the flowers.

And think fondly again of those days,

Like a child handling a precious toy,

Storing it away once more,

For this time again next year.

It's a poem that doesn't actually rhyme.. But here's a happy belated birthday to you.

-サヤカ-

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As I sit here 5000 miles away from you, I think back to 13 years ago. Where you fitted so snugly into the palm of my hand.

Where even when the world was still dark and noiseless to you, you chose me, as I would have chosen you.

Where even though we weren’t sure if we were allowed to be together, you waited for me and stuck to me like you were already mine.

Where you won the final agreement out of dad in such an adorable manner that the scene forever replays in my mind.

And with all that, I find myself, yet again wishing that I were by your side, to comfort you, to touch you, to reassure you, to be there for you.

Is it possible to love this much? Was I capable of this much love? I never knew; or maybe I had always doubted myself.

But I guess it is possible to love this much; I am capable of loving this much.

If anything, my tears now are the testament of this deep love I feel for you. This fear I feel of losing you. The emptiness I fear that I will feel when you leave me. To this fear of coming home without you there to greet me.

I had always found it so adorable at how you would always by-pass everyone else to greet me first when I got home. And it would seem that I actually do the same.

We have been together for almost everyday of your life; we ate together, bathed together, and slept together…

It seemed like we always wanted to be together, and we were, save for when I went to England to study, or when I went for holidays, or business trips, or even now that I’m 5000 miles away in the land of the rising sun.

But even when we were and are apart, not once had I ever-stopped thinking of you, or wishing I were with you.

You had and have my love through and through.

I deigned from mentioning it too much, lest people thought I was some crazy dog lady, but I think they already knew though, and mom always knew that I was crazy about you. (She was and I think, still is very worried about my mental health on what I would do after this.)

But hey, the rest of the family thought about you too. They all loved you like crazy too; well maybe not as much as I do though, that privilege belonged only to me, I suppose.

And who could fault you? Who wouldn’t love you? You made it impossible not to love you, especially when you loved back so unconditionally. For someone so small, your heart was humongous.

I’m sure many others have gone through what I am going through now; by right we humans are supposed to outlive our pets and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

If I had gone before you, who then would look after you? It will be harder for you than it will be for me. So I am glad in that morbid sense that you wouldn't have to live without me.

But I do ponder how I will live without you.

As they had said in the movie 10 promises to my dog, I have work, my friends, and other family members, so I will, or rather should be able to move on (which I promise you, I will strive to do so), but to you, I’m all you have. Is that true?

Watching you through FaceTime/Skype, looking for me, waiting for me at the door. Its breaks my heart, but I’m inclined to believe that that is the truth.

I am all you have, and I’m so sorry for leaving you, for going 5000 miles away when you need me most. I thought that we would have more time; apparently I thought wrongly, the kindness of the gods/universe/whatever is out there, is probably reaching its limit.

I really want to be beside you now, but I guess you already knew that.

I blame timing, I blame fate, I blame destiny and everything else, but it still leaves me powerless to change the fact that I can’t come home to you in this dire time.

I believe that you remember our promise, and that you will wait for me.

(Wait for me to come home and give me a little bit more time with you please.)

With that, I have decided.

Decided to stop crying and to take care of myself; to believe in you, place all my faith in the world in you, that no matter how tough it is, no matter how much you feel like giving up, that you won’t, and that you will honour this selfish wish of mine, because you love me as much as I love you.

So as I sit here writing this to you, in a probably vain attempt to let it all out, to place this seal on my tears, to be replaced with a smile; as I try to hide my worries for you and trudge on and go on with life as normal as any other human has to in this cruel human society that does not formally recognise pets as family.

I wish again to be by your side, but let’s keep it sealed for the time being okay? And we will write again when the seal breaks.

I’m forever yours.

-サヤカ-

-->

Dictionary definition:

Adjective –

1.    Unusually advanced or mature in development, especially mental development: a precocious child.

2.    Prematurely developed, as the mind, faculties, etc.

3.    Or or relating to premature development.

4.    Botany.

a.    Flowering, fruiting, or ripening early, as plants or fruit.

b.    Bearing blossoms before leaves, as plants.

c.     Appearing before leaves, as flowers.

It’s not a term that I’m unfamiliar with, I’ve been called that a few times over the years, since I was a child – though some people used other adjectives such as mature, mellow, grown up etc. But in the end they all agree that I usually act older than my age.

The last person I heard use this exact term on me, was my ex boss; 14 years older than me, and recently in a chat with some friends, a similar term came up. Though it was in Japanese. I guess that is the impression I leave upon others.

Is it a blessing or a curse? I am not sure, but I do feel that I have an inherent tendency to view things differently from other people, or at least I try.

It gets tiring though when people can’t seem to see the angle you are coming from. But I digress. This is a totally random post that resulted from a random conversation with some friends recently.

But speaking about maturity, I do wonder from time to time if it is this same maturity that helped me make my choices to this day? Or do I just not bother with the world as much as other people do?

I had some friends ask me, don’t I find it unfair that both my siblings get to live their lives overseas and I’m stuck back home with my parents? Don't I feel tied down?

I guess in some sense, some people will find it unfair. That I can’t spread my wings and fly as far as I like. But I prefer to view it differently, I’m the youngest amongst my siblings, and I view this as the chance for me to have more time with my parents. That’s it, plain and simple.

Thinking back to the past, I was a weak child and my parents had to spend quite a bit of their time nursing me to health, and I can say that I am determined to do the same for them. It definitely won’t be easy, but I think with a will there will be a way.

Randomly, since we are on the subject of my health I remember a few amusing anecdotes, I mean they are amusing now and I laugh a little as a reminiscence, but trust me I was frustrated and sometimes a little scared in the past. But in the end these are all some of the best instances of the weirdness of my parents and childhood *chuckles*

Like the time I caught a cold, and my dad rubbed Vicks on me, the next day my cold miraculously disappeared and till today I have this weird believe that Vicks is a miracle cold medicine.

I remember the time I had a high fever and my mom panicked and rushed me to the emergency ward, near tears and afraid that I had caught dengue. It was my turn to cry when a needle was stuck in me for a blood test to see if I actually had dengue or not.

When news of some neighbour catching dengue reaches my mother’s ears, I’m not allowed out at all and all doors and windows are shut…

Or the time she nearly cried when I asked if I could go camping with my scout troop, and she said that if I got dengue I probably couldn’t fight it and I would die, so no, I could not go – I never asked if I could go camping again, after that...

The time I had a really bad stomach flu with seriously high fevers after coming back from Australia in 2004, and my dad gave me 100 plus to drink, I ended up spitting it out, because of gas or something I think, and complained to him who gives 100 plus to a sick person first thing in the morning – I remembered he just laughed at me good-naturedly and that I had porridge to eat through out this bout of illness.

Or in 2011 – 2012  when I nearly had a nervous breakdown from all the accumulated stress from my work, and my mom actually told me to quit, don't worry about the money, she will support me with her pension till I can work again.

Again in that same timeframe when I had to go for a minor surgery to remove a lump, and was put under anesthesia, my mom was with me to comfort me and my fear of needles. (I had a big ass one poked into a vein on my hand and nearly passed out because of the fear and my empty stomach).

The time where my mom actually said that if I wanted to get another dog she wouldn’t be opposed to it, if it would help my mental state after I lose my current one.

There are many other instances, over the years, but these have somehow stuck very firmly within me.  It’s funny how they seem to be there at the most opportune moments, yet they are so fully capable of driving you up the walls at other times.

Like the time I cried and said they didn’t care about me, since they didn’t bother taking me to a doctor just because I didn’t have the strength to ask them too. Their excuse was, you seemed to be responding to the medication that we had at home, so they didn’t bother. This has happened a few times.

There was this one time, I was so busy with work and everyday by the time I got home my parents would all be asleep, my mom actually woke up in the middle night and scared the crap out of me, by trying to open my door by turning the door knob at like 1am in the morning? She could have knocked, but I don't know why she didn't! I was stripping for the shower and totally freaked out. When I worked up the courage to ask who is that, she said she just wanted to see my face.

I remember that one time, my mom accidentally kneed me in the eye, forming a horrible bruise, and I went to the hospital to have it checked out. The doctors were all pissed off like, “who dared to lay a finger on you?!” and the moment they saw my mom they were like “oh staff nurse, is this your daughter? Oh an accident? Ok let’s take a look”. 

But I digress all this talk of the past, nursing and/or being there for anyone will probably be a while away, since it seems like they are still taking care of me even now. I guess we never grow up when we are with our parents.

My mom used to say quite often, that no matter how old the children get, they are always their little children in the eyes of the parents. And I guess that is true.

Not everything is a bed or roses, or unicorns, puppies and rainbows though, there are of course  the ups and downs. My parents are not perfect people, as I said they drive me up the walls a lot of the time and sometimes when they piss me off so much, I say things like perhaps I should live overseas too and come back once a year or once in two years.

Those are the instances of my immature times, as I say it out of spite to shut them up, but I’ve frankly never seriously considered it. I’ve never thought of being away from them for long periods of time. Some would say that it’s because I enjoy the comforts of home, but as crazy as they make me sometimes, I enjoy their company. Crazy huh? And I know sometimes I don't show it, especially after a stressful day and I need my “me” time. But knowing that they are there, that the support is there, even if they can’t do anything, but just listen to you gripe and whine and complain. it’s comforting.

Besides do you know the secret?

I’m not perfect too, I drive my parents up the wall too, maybe more so than they do to me; and through all the crap I spew, they forgive me. Although it may not show, I do try my very best to be patient with them, and to make them happy. It’s a battle, especially after a tough, long day at work and they say and do things that get on my nerves. But that’s life I guess, and I guess that’s family, we don't have to walk on eggshells around each other.

So I guess at the end of the day, if I suddenly died today, and you asked me if I regretted anything, I could look back on this chapter of my life, and at least be able to say, for this particular chapter that “no, I had none.” And that would be my honest truth.

-サヤカ-

My English is becoming spastic here... help...... lol

-サヤカ-

How does one let go?

I think it's been almost more than a decade, and the thoughts still plague me from time to time.

How does one let go and move on?


-サヤカ-

I know..... that humans are not perfect.....

I know that, I've got a short temper, am impatient, am a somewhat slow learner etc.

but I also do know that I try to appreciate whatever I have, like family and friends, and that I do try to control my temper, and to be hardworking to make up for the slow learning process...

so yes, we all have our good and bad points.

i haven't posted anything here since 2011, and when i decided to retrieve some links i saved on this blog, i noticed that i have 3 posts about linked in, something about pending notifications and crap like that.. what the fuck? since when did linked in get permission to use my blog to post any damn thing??? arghhh.... stupidity...

that's why the  digital world is such a pain sometimes.. sigh

-Oracl3-

Hmm~ since I......

1. just felt like it....
2. have stuff to do..... but.....
3. am.... as usual... procrastinating....
4. am dropping a lot of hair?? according to my dad's testimony..... (F!! going bald???? noooo..... must look pretty for my precious... hahah though i think he could care less how i look as long as i continue to smell like his mommy haha)
5. feel bored..... even though....
6. have stuff to do...... (tons of it actually... all the backlog.. sigh...)
7. need to unpack some stuff..... that were packed up during the renovation......
8. need to do some cleaning around here.... place is a mess.....
9. need to finish the speed reading for dummies book hahaha.. (ironically, i'm making such slow process hahaha)
10. haven't exercised for weeks.... and am eating a lot..... (honestly, just yesterday i had a slice of bread then followed by nasi lemak for breakfast... then one and a half bowl of lat chiu pan mee for lunch, followed by a huge ass apple for tea.... then for dinner i had pineapple fried rice with prawn, and a lemon pie for dessert..... OMG!!!!!)
11. think I might be getting fat... =.='
12. need to exercise.... maybe next friday, if everyone else is haha...
13. am trying out a new writing style? haha randomly crapping this...
14. have a very short temper... (apparently it's better now, am still trying to contain it...)
15. can get quite rude... especially when i'm not happy... (trying to control though.... cause manners are essential...)
16. like to socialise... although that depends on my mood, and finances.....
17. hate cigarette smoke, and everything similar and/or associated to it....
18. love my little precious.....
19. know it's a real pain to you (hey, honestly, sometimes it is to me as well...)... but i would still like to say that, if i nag you... it means i care.... (hang out too much with my parents and the bad habits get to you haha) and i like you... so the more i nag, the more i care.... i know it's irritating, and i try to cut down.. but hey, that's the way i care for people.. i show concern and worry... for your well-being, your life, your happiness, your work (if possible).... love me, love my dog... that's just how i am.... if i didn't care for you.. i could care less if you drove like a maniac, or if you'd gotten better from your fever... i take care of people, that's just how i am, i've been like that since i was a kid....
20. don't know why, but I can be quite compassionate and civil.... (i think sometimes too much..) which in a sense makes me naïve.... (honestly i've had times i wished i wasn't like that... people just take advantage of you, and with the current security, it's dangerous to be altruistic or nice) sigh.... need to watch my back more....
21. was brought up to be quite polite and well mannered... (you know, respect your elders , giving up your seat for them.... and stuff like that... you would think this is basic, but surprisingly, through observation, i've noticed that is not so, not many people are gentlemenly or well mannered anymore...)
22. think i've quite a lot of friends, and i try to balance out, and keep in touch with them all... (gemini's are social butterflies?) but without much avail.. it takes two hands to clap.. and apparently i'm not good/fun/nice enough for some people to make the effort to keep in touch with.. sigh... (it's irritating when they suddenly come up to you as if you owed them something in your previous life time to do something for them now, when all this while, they didn't even bother to contact you, or weren't always close to you... and best part? I can't say no, cause i like helping people... to a certain extent, as long as it doesn't trouble me too much...)
23. try really hard but sometimes, or most of the time still fail to tolerate people who don't even have the basics of most basics common sense, delicacy, and courtesy....
24. may be sympathetic, but not when i think you REALLY deserve it (yes, unfortunately or otherwise, i still do get sympathetic even though you deserved it), or when you are making a mountain out of a mole hill...
25. believe that whenever possible people should solve their own problems or at least try first, before using the easy way out of bugging people.... especially people who you never bothered with all this while... (hey unless i am in desperation, i do most of my stuff myself... or at least i try!!) you want something? go get it yourself first.... if you fail then only ask for help... (though there are certain exceptions... =.=')
26. usually am accidentally sarcastic...
27. don't really know how to be sarcastic on purpose.... honestly.... scouts honour...
28. like to do volunteer work... although helping teenagers and youths isn't really my favourite thing anymore.... because....
29. think that the younger generation are even more spoilt than me... and very rude, lacking self respect, team work ane leadership.... that it feels horrible..... and exasperating...
30. am in shock, cause i thought i was already badly spoilt, but as my driving instructor said to me, there are those worse than you??? not sure if that is really comforting.... or sad....
31. don't really like children.... i find them so spoilt now a days... all with their electronic games, i mean, whatever happened to good old hop-scotch, or police and thief.....??
32. also don't like clingy and attention seeking people..... (could be the reason why i don't really like kids...)
33. believe that life is always with it's exceptions, just because someone says he is afraid of heights doesn't mean that he won't board an aeroplane.. or build up the courage to go rock climbing.... there are exceptions... don't take things so literally people!!
34. don't like physical contact without my approval, or by people i'm not comfortable with.. although i don't mind greetings... but either than that... would prefer if people don's simply touch me (i.e. put their hand over my shoulder etc... if i want to hold hands or whatever, i will hold...)
35. have a different sort of mentality from other people.... it's kinda weird.... hahaha
36. i believe that's what makes me act older than my age sometimes.... (i do try to act my age, and like a normal person from society...)
37. don't believe that we have to conform so much to society 100% of the time... a little bit is fine... just enough to live peacefully...rules of society needs to be changed.... to adapt to modern times...
38. believe that I am my own individual.... and that my freedom is my own... (within the legal sense though... i don't want to go to prison for nonsense.... although they say it's better to be hanged as a sheep than a lamb.. either way, I don't want to get hanged ahahah)
39. believe that one should speak up when wronged.. just explain... people are not telepathic. if you don't say anything, they are NEVER going to get it. NEVER!!!!! that's why, although unnecessary, I explain.... and fight back whenever you make stupid comments about me doing things i didn't do... (i may be blur, but an argument where you are insistent on using one sentence, and one sentence only, does not hold far to me, and makes me annoyed... if i did it, and can't remember i did, prove it... cause if i remember doing it, i will admit it...)
40. know my own weaknesses, am still trying to discover more and change....
41. talk a lot, write a lot... express alot..... whether good or bad....
42. believes that people change everyday, my opinion today may change tomorrow, cause i am growing everyday, within the last 24 hours i could have gotten my hands on new information that could change the way i think... is it that hard to accept???? you don't expect people to be saying the same thing 10 years down the line do you?? sheesh!!
43. have heard a few people said that i'm strong.... honestly i don't really think i am.. i think it's more of being independent.. cause you know you can't rely on anyone but yourself.... it's like when you have to go overseas to study, no family, and you are on your own.... so by hook or by crook, you have to persevere and take care of yourself... it's being independant....
44. can be quite stingy and calculative hahaha... (hey, a girl's got to save for a rainy day... i try not to be so calculative though hahaha)
45. complain a lot... and repeatedly, bout things/people/alien/events/items I don't like..... (bad habit that i'm trying to change.. sigh..... but i just can't help ranting!!!!!!)
46. don't mind listening to gossip about people that I know, but don't expect me to repeat what I've heard... (I do my best not to repeat incriminating things.... about people I care about...)
47. am very tired.... about everything.....
48. am trying to overcome my fears....
49. believe that family is essential.... (i happen to come from a loving family... that's why)
50. good friends are even more essential... nothing beats seeing a bunch of people who you can unwind, relax, chat and have fun with... whom you know cares, and will take care of you if you ever need them too.... and you would willingly do the same for them.... (am still trying to increase friends like these XD)
51. like music without knowing who the composer/musician/artist/song titile is most of the time, so don't ask me if i've heard so-and-so's song.. just play the damned song..... i will know it if i've heard it before.... (haha i know some of you are exasperated with me due to this haha..)
52. do the same things for movies...
53. really couldn't be bothered about news of people that don't or won't in anyway affect my life, so which celebrity is doing what.... i really don't care....
54. don't know my actors, so again, don't ask me if i've seen so-and-so's latest movie... chances are slim that I may know who the hell you are talking about.... I can't even remember movie titles.. what more actor names.... (I may remember names of my sister's favourite actor or stuff like that....)
55. like to watch series which are filled with mystery, criminal investigations, and/or fantasy....
56. like vampire stories?? although i would really prefer if it was well written or directed...
57. love to eat good food... am a sort of epicure? (but not for those really expensive foods though... am not that rich to splurge on abalone and stuff....)
58. have a sense of direction, that is not very good.... but i have one...
59. can read maps without having to turn the stupid thing 360 degrees every few seconds...
60. have a vivid imagination??
61. don't like hot weather... it breeds mosquitoes, and you feel all sticky and sweaty, and uncomfortable, it absorbs the strength out of you...
62. love cold weather, autmmn/spring/winter... bring it on...
63. like to wear coats actually ahhaha....
64. can't really stand the cold though i love it....
65. somehow get along better with guys than girls... although lately there has been some improvement.... (hey, I've been trying with some success okay....)
66. am not so tomboyish anymore? haha...
67. suspect my macintosh hangs when it gets too hot... (then again, what appliance doesn't??? but it's also the internet provider's fault... sigh)
68. love cuddly, cute, furry animals..
69. love music, playing and listening and singing it (although admittedly, I'm not the best musician around, still looking to loan a guitar tuner, to tune the guitar.. me tone deaf =.=')

sometimes there are rude people, and sometimes there are rude people...

i think i'm too nice sometimes for my own good...

a little background before the (crazy long) rant, and no, i'm not trying to brag or anything...

i'm a lawyer, freshly called to the bar last september, therefore making me a noob lawyer, i've still got about 5 months or less, before i even hit the first year mark.... so i've been sent by my firm to this company to conduct a due diligence (it's like auditing, but i don't look at numbers but documents such as minutes, forms, resolutions, agreements etc)..

during the course of my due diligence, i noticed a number of discrepancies and missing documents (minutes, resolutions, forms), mind you, i'm on a tight schedule here. so i had to waste almost 3 hours of my precious time drawing up a list for the company secretary (short form coseq - who by right usually holds said documents), with a note that it is URGENT!

no word from her, so the director being the nice man that he is, he called her to ask what is the delay, since we have a deadline and i need the documents, she requested to speak to me. okay fine... she asked me to go to the companies commission (we call it CCM here - it's the regulatory body, where we usually send a copy of the company's documents to for their records) to do a due diligence (DD) there...

internally "WHAT??", so i asked her nicely, why can't she send the documents to me, and she kept telling me to go to CCM. i told her, we have a tight deadline, i don't have time to waste there. why can't you get me all the documents... with that the director took back the phone and started scolding her, before hanging up.

next the coseq called my office requesting i call her, as i was not in the office (i was at that company remember?) my secretary mailed me... ok.. the next morning ie this morning i called her... and she starts saying things like.. she doesn't understand what is wrong with me, why am i so unprofessional.. first time she has met a lawyer who refuses to conduct a DD at CCM... and she doesn't care what happens to the company, if they get questioned by the Securities Commission for not disclosing stuff... bla bla bla... i was baffled and very WTF!

hello? the first thing after i introduced myself you start off with that line? you as the coseq should have these documents, i am on a tight schedule i don't have time to waste going to CCM and be printing out the documents one by one... page by page...

but i was too nice... i told her... rather asked her... why can't she get it from me, and it's not that i'm refusing to go there to do DD, but i'm on a tight schedule, since you have the documents just send them to me..

then she goes on again bout me being unprofessional and not understanding why i won't do DD at CCM when other lawyers do that.. err... as far as i know.. no lawyers i know of goes there for DD, unless under special circumstances...

she goes on and on.. wasting my phone bill about that.. and so i asked her... (in an impatient voice but still quite nice if you asked me compared to her) why can't she just send me the documents, why must i go to CCM. and i told her when is my deadline, and told her to understand.. i really have no time!!!!!

then she asked me why was the timeline set as such ie so tightly... i was really at the brink of going !@£$%^&*

hello, you are the coseq, you should know what is going on right????? ok fine, maybe the director didn't tell you,... so i told her the reason.. and she was like ooh... and she still told me to go do DD at CCM!!! which part of deadline did she not understand?
sigh.. for one she sounded more agitated than me.. so i got pissed..
i asked her to calm down and tell me what's the problem... why is she being so damn agitated for???!! does she not have the documents..???!!!

then she tells me.. she doesn't... it was confiscated or something... and i was like "WTF!!????" you could have told me that earlier.. 10 minutes of you calling me unprofessional and all, wasting my phone bill while you were at it and you tell me that you don't have the documents.. so i told her, if that's the case then you should have told me, cause it will be useless and a waste of my time pressing you for documents you don't have and i will have to consider getting someone to CCM to get the damned documents... (i will discuss that with my senior, since this would take time and money)

arghh so irritating... and then when she realised that i'm not as panicky or agitated as she might be attempting to make me, she starting saying things to cover her ass... she has done listing before, the directors of the company have not.. she knows what's going on bla bla.. and i was like yea yea... internally i was like "OMG"

and she told me not to tell the directors that she told me the documents were confiscated.... so i told the directors, that the coseq simply said she doesn't have them, then they told me that she moved office at least 5 times, apparently one time was because of a fire...she does things on her own without much or any support staff... and well.. this and that....

so i'm annoyed and on the fence, both sides don't seem to like each other very much, and the fact that she tries to cover her ass so much... and bringing the name of some big law firm in.... and well.. me wondering if what she told me holds a seed of truth, which i can only find out if i go to CCM (according to her) and me not sure whether the director and manager are telling me the truth.... well good for her... she's managed to sow the seed of doubt...

so yea... besides the fact that i've been stuck doing DD for 6 companies alone (3 were updates but still substantial, and my dispatch only collected the documents today) the other 3 i've to do from scratch and 2 of which have been around since 1992, meaning the minutes, resolutions etc that i've to take down are 18 years worth... doesn't help that the documents for the latter 3 are not really in order, the registers not updated (coseq responsibility you know.. who's not professional here?) i've been typing so much like a maniac that my fingers are numb, playing the piano was hard.. i think even professional pianists don't' get what i've got.. imagine them practising piano for... wait... i think some of them can do that.. i digress

also i did mention i'm a noob right? so i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do, and that makes me even slower... i've a tight deadline, a bunch of missing documents... documents which are not in order and everywhere.. a pain in the butt coseq... doubt sowed by the coseq, and i think the worst part is i'm alone! my SOS callls have gone unheeded... (no one is available to help me)

can i not get angry and depressed like this??

i'm at the client's place from 9am- to about 10pm everyday.. i only take a 15-20 min lunch break and go back to typing, and i can't finish it... damn i'm pissed!!!

not to mention that i don't have sufficient sample reports or anything to follow.. i'm not God ok? i need help! i've never done this before. i've no one to guide me. i've been practically thrown in the middle of the ocean when you know i can't swim, and i'm being expected to swim.. (in some sense when i look back, i will tell you that's the way to learn, and it makes you independent, but for now let me rant, i wouldn't rant that much if i was properly briefed on the technics to swim and stay afloat before being thrown in the ocean... doesn't matter that i don't have the practical, at least tell me the theory, that's how i work.. or give me sufficient samples.. i will look at it and use it as a guide.. or don't give me so much trouble.. lost documents, confiscated.. nothing in order... documents location unknown... wtf??) is this revenge or what???? arghhhhh.... i'm being hated...sigh =.='

anyway am going to bed, my firm works monday to friday, but because i have NO help, and am doing this ALONE with a Fucking tight schedule, I've to go to the client's company again tomorrow morning to continue my DD. and i'm actually going to thank god they work on saturdays.. hmmph.. and i get nothing except transportation claim (which i claim anyway) and food claim (yea like that's a lot)

and i also have to thank god that the manager is trusting me with all the important documents (i'm not being sarcastic, they are important) and allowing me to bring it home so i don't have to go all the way to their office which is a 40 minute drive from my home to do the DD..

oh yay.... FML

-サヤカ-

WARNING: RANT AHEAD! LOADS OF PROFANITY. STEER CLEAR IF YOU HAVE A PROFOUND ALLERGY OR DISLIKE FOR PROFANITIES.

I need to rant because I am no Buddha, it's normal for me to accumulate some negative karma, cause as I said, if I don't accumulate any, then I would be Buddha.

For those allergic to profanities but still curious.... As they say curiousity kills the cat, but since I feel a little nice today, I shall spare you.

This post is merely a rant on the stupid local authorities of my area, as they have asked us to take down the barricade and invite the theives back into my neighbourhood with open arms!

****

Due to those fucking selfish bastards who complained so much about the road closures at my residential area, the local authority has ordered us to remove the barricades within 14 days, or well.. I guess, we could be facing a criminal suit, since it will then be considered a public nuisance...

Feel so fucking pissed! You want to be real selfish? than un-barricade all the gated neighbourhoods now!! Why only mine?? Screw those fucking minions over, every single one of them stingy, self-centered bastards!! yeah, listen to the fucking minority for once, and screw over the majority when it suits you!

Obviously you can't keep everyone happy, but shouldn't you at least try to keep the majority happy? Logically, that's how a bloody society is supposed to work! By barricading the city, it's a mere traffic problem, without barricading it causes even more serious problems, it causes thefts, break-ins, property damage, maybe even rape, death or murder... Fucking brainless gits!

Draw a fucking list and weigh the pros and cons you idiots!

ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the fucking guidelines??? I want to read it and throw something at the bloody local authorities. they are already so fucking incompetent that they can't assure us our security, and now they won't let us protect ourselves.

What is fucking wrong with their fucking brains??!! Do they even have any??!!

First you fail to protect us, and now you won't let us protect ourselves???? we are like sheep waiting out in the open for the wolves to come and grab us! Fucking local authority, can we please vote the current government out, and get a proper government in?? one that ACTUALLY bothers about the safety of the people, of the rakyat...

Sheesh!! Brainless gits...

Rant over....

-Oracl3-

what does this teach us??



-Oracl3-

i think i'm more simple minded than i thought i am...

past few days, i've been a little emo bitch... (one can tell when i start eating sweet things i suppose.. well among other obvious factors that is....)

well, although i think today is the best i've been in the whole week? or two?

i guess what i need is good company... (good food is a bonus?) thanks dear XD
- second par lat chiu pan mee hahaha.. still tastes good with the right company :p but yes... kin kin... XD bila mau pegi?

had a good swim.. no muslce pains after!! i think a nice warm jaccuzzi and relaxing is the trick... i fell asleep in there.. hahah thanks nick :)

and yeah, to top it off, i think it would be even better if some people were to stop saying things which sounds to me like they are asking me to suck eggs....for these people.. sometimes, i feel like i'm on a different level, you know, the been there, done that level..... if you don't understand, then well try, before shooting your mouth... or just shut up, if you can't understand... how can one understand, when one knows nothing?? *shrugs* oh well, live and let live...

-Oracl3-

Since a few have been asking what is my new year resolution....

i'm tired of saying.. and getting looks of disbelief..... (so what if i'm young, but jaded) cause.. i don't make them, i mean if you want to make one, any time of the year is fine.. why at the new year? if companies could only make decisions / pass resolutions only at their AGMs.. die lor.... hence the reason they have EGMs and well board meetings and the other crap.... anyway.. since people asked.. i've seriously thought of it, and here it is...

this year?

i'm going to do my best to get rid / stay away from the fake, and take only the genuine...

and try to live...

that's it...

the new year's resolution... now stop bugging me...

-Oracl3-

P/s: edit: oh, and also un-blur myself....

The end of 2009, has come and gone, the beginning of 2010, is here... and well... it's just here..... we can't do anything about it....

it's just an excuse to eat and drink bla bla, yes, I'm jaded.... this is what life has done to me....

anyway, welcome to 2010 everyone, and good bye to 2009, and good riddance with that...

my last day of 2009 was filled with nothing but mishaps.. or rather, bad luck.... oh... i hate---d........ 2009... with passion.... well, to be honest the last day.... let's see what happened....

first the train was late... hmm that's a sign.. but oh well.... nevermind....

second i was expecting an email so that i can start my work early, finish it early, and fulfil my half day leave request....

bloody internet was down in the whole office, till at least 2 hours later... which meant that it would be impossible for me to leave at 1pm, the time i can leave since i had taken my half day leave... never mind... that's still swell....

happily away doing work, when..... with all honesty? i'm an idiotic git, I've no idea what happened, but i lost a good 2 hours of my work... i was seriously going WTF!!! and fucked up did i feel. felt so stupid for trusting the idiotic, retarded laptop, and not saving my work periodically...

i spent/wasted almost an hour, a god-damned hour, trying everything i know to get it back, but couldn't... i thus decided to breath, and resign myself to re-doing the work... thanks dear, and everyone else for hearing me curse and emo at my beloved office laptop..
(i think, it's taking revenge, cause i accidentally dropped it the other day.. eventhough there's no damage.... =.=' or so, i hope haha)

was really fucked up plus frustrated, cause try as i might, i could not get back the original muse of what i had written for the opinion, in which at that particular time, my muse was floating like....... ermm... well, smoothly.. and try as i might, i felt that what was reproduced was.... only second par... yes, was very unhappy, and very fucked up.... nevermind...

discovered firm will close at 3pm....... so.. since the document died on me, and i had to waste time, i was definitely going to be there till after 3, so emailed to cancel leave.. pointless to take something you can't, idiotic even....

nevermind...... i wanted to go to the bar council... then i found out, it bloody closed at 12!!! never mind!!!

i lost a button on my mobile, a button i frequently used...... so now the convenience is gone..... (breathes) nevermind!!!!

friends decided to go to i-city, nothing there, total waste of time and petrol..... nevermind......

nevermind, nevermind.... it's 2010....

i still got to watch my fireworks, front seat, beautiful view...
i was with great company the entire night...

so, it was a horrid fucked up day, but yes, my start of 2010 was much better, i had my wine (although you could say.. ermm.. i was a bit hung over the next day), had good friends/company, saw a really cute toy poodle puppy, (though precious is still the only one for me) and yes, that made my night... thank you..

ーOracl3-

oh yeah, visited a 98 (i think) year old relative of mine.. which i don't think i knew existed till today.. wow! coolness.... she's amazing, still strong enough, mind still well enough, and eyesight still good enough... :) ahh~ family

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!