As I sit here 5000 miles away from
you, I think back to 13 years ago. Where you fitted so snugly into the palm of
my hand.
Where even when the world was still
dark and noiseless to you, you chose me, as I would have chosen you.
Where even though we weren’t sure if
we were allowed to be together, you waited for me and stuck to me like you were
already mine.
Where you won the final agreement
out of dad in such an adorable manner that the scene forever replays in my
mind.
And with all that, I find myself, yet
again wishing that I were by your side, to comfort you, to touch you, to
reassure you, to be there for you.
Is it possible to love this much?
Was I capable of this much love? I never knew; or maybe I had always doubted
myself.
But I guess it is possible to love
this much; I am capable of loving
this much.
If anything, my tears now are the
testament of this deep love I feel for you. This fear I feel of losing you. The
emptiness I fear that I will feel when you leave me. To this fear of coming
home without you there to greet me.
I had always found it so adorable at
how you would always by-pass everyone else to greet me first when I got home.
And it would seem that I actually do the same.
We have been together for almost
everyday of your life; we ate together, bathed together, and slept together…
It seemed like we always wanted to
be together, and we were, save for when I went to England to study, or when I
went for holidays, or business trips, or even now that I’m 5000 miles away in
the land of the rising sun.
But even when we were and are apart,
not once had I ever-stopped thinking of you, or wishing I were with you.
You had and have my love through and
through.
I deigned from mentioning it too
much, lest people thought I was some crazy dog lady, but I think they already
knew though, and mom always knew that I was crazy about you. (She was and I think,
still is very worried about my mental health on what I would do after this.)
But hey, the rest of the family
thought about you too. They all loved you like crazy too; well maybe not as
much as I do though, that privilege belonged only to me, I suppose.
And who could fault you? Who
wouldn’t love you? You made it impossible not to love you, especially when you
loved back so unconditionally. For someone so small, your heart was humongous.
I’m sure many others have gone
through what I am going through now; by right we humans are supposed to outlive
our pets and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
If I had gone before you, who then
would look after you? It will be harder for you than it will be for me. So I am
glad in that morbid sense that you wouldn't have to live without me.
But I do ponder how I will live
without you.
As they had said in the movie 10
promises to my dog, I have work, my friends, and other family members, so I
will, or rather should be able to move on (which I promise you, I will strive
to do so), but to you, I’m all you have. Is that true?
Watching you through FaceTime/Skype,
looking for me, waiting for me at the door. Its breaks my heart, but I’m
inclined to believe that that is the truth.
I am all you have, and I’m so sorry
for leaving you, for going 5000 miles away when you need me most. I thought
that we would have more time; apparently I thought wrongly, the kindness of the
gods/universe/whatever is out there, is probably reaching its limit.
I really want to be beside you now,
but I guess you already knew that.
I blame timing, I blame fate, I
blame destiny and everything else, but it still leaves me powerless to change
the fact that I can’t come home to you in this dire time.
I believe that you remember our
promise, and that you will wait for me.
(Wait for me to come home and give
me a little bit more time with you please.)
With that, I have decided.
Decided to stop crying and to take care of myself; to believe in you, place
all my faith in the world in you, that no matter how tough it is, no matter how
much you feel like giving up, that you won’t, and that you will honour this
selfish wish of mine, because you love me as much as I love you.
So as I sit here writing this to you,
in a probably vain attempt to let it all out, to place this seal on my tears,
to be replaced with a smile; as I try to hide my worries for you and trudge on
and go on with life as normal as any other human has to in this cruel human
society that does not formally recognise pets as family.
I wish again to be by your side, but
let’s keep it sealed for the time being okay? And we will write again when the
seal breaks.
I’m forever yours.
-サヤカ-
Labels: ✿私の気持✿, Compassion, Encouragement, Family, Personal Thoughts, Random Rambling
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