Is this punishment?

I want to see you so much, I hope as much as you want to see me too. 

And though I search for you in my dreams you never come. 

I miss you so, so much.

And I wished everyday that I could dream of you,

and I guess Kami sama was kind..

I was allowed to meet you, although only twice.. 

The first to let me know that you were hungry. I just knew in that dream that you were telling me that you were hungry. 

And the second time, that you were waiting for me to come home. Even though you had others around you, but you were ignoring them and dolefully waiting. (or you were probably upset when mom and dad took out those luggage bags of theirs to pack for their trip here lol)

It's just a few more weeks baby, I'm sorry that you have to keep waiting, but I'm coming home soon ok? 

I'm coming home soon to you. 

-sunz- 

"He wouldn't want you to be like this."

"I'm sure he wants you to be happy."

How on earth would they know what you wanted??!

You could not speak in a language that they understand, and most of them had hardly spent any time with you. How would they know what you want??!

Even I who have been. By your side the longest wouldn't know what you want, what do you want me to do at this point? 

To stop crying?

To stop thinking too much?

I do know that in our 13 years together, that what you wanted then was lots of cuddles.

For us to always be together. 

To go for lots of walks. 

And that you missed me terribly every time I was away, as I missed you as well. 

That you would cry every time you heard my voice when I called home because you missed me. 

That you would wait by the door, looking out waiting for me to come home, because you missed me. 

That when ever you are in pain, i would be there to comfort you. 

What you wanted was for me to be there those last 2 weeks.

For me to cuddle you, calm you and tell you that it was all ok.

To be by your side during that last moments. 

And to continue being together with you. 

That's what you wanted.

And what do I want? 

I want to hold you again. 

I wanted to spend your last year with you

I wanted to care for you during those 2 weeks.

I wanted to be there when you went. 

And then I just get so angry, angry at you, angry at myself, angry at the world everything. 

Of all the years, why last year??!! Why when I wasn't there? We had so many years, why did it have to be last year!!!!!

-sunz-

I wish that you will never leave me.

No matter how unbearable,

I was to you, 

Or you to me. 

I can't live alone. 

I am weak. 

I am not as strong, 

As you think me to be. 

If you leave me, 

I will crumble and fall.

Into a million pieces. 

Shattered, 

Probably beyond repair. 

But it's envitable. 

There will come a day, 

Where we must leave. 

And I must learn,

Learn to go on. 

Even if I'm alone, 

So...

Before you go,

Write me a letter. 

Tell me it's ok. 

Tell me goodbye, 

But tell me also,

That you are not,

Leaving me behind. 

That you are just waiting, 

For me at the other end. 

Tell me that it's ok to go on. 

That I will be happy, 

Even without you. 

That my tears will soon dry. 

And my smile will return. 

That life must go on. 

Write me a letter. 

To let me hold on to you. 

For just a little bit longer. 

Till the day I can let go comes. 

Till the day I can go on by myself returns. 

-サヤカ-

It's a pity but my wish will never come true, no matter how hard I wished, no matter what I could give in exchange, but if wishes could come true, I would wish upon a thousand shooting stars just to be with you again.

********

When you left, the world ended, but at the same time it did not end. 

It was and still is difficult to continue without you. 

But as my downcast eyes which watched my tears fall to the ground looked up to the stars, I saw that the flowers had come. 

"Cry, Heart, but never break. Let your tears of grief and sadness help begin new life". 

-Glenn Ringtved- (translated from Danish into English by Robert Moulthrop)

-sunz-

Words have failed me.

My thoughts are disarrayed.

All I know is

That it hurts,

That I cannot breathe.

All I know is

That I want to cry.

I want to cry till the river runs dry.

I want to cry till day turns to dusk.

Till I grow blind,

Till my voice goes husk and disappears.

Will this pain then elevate?

Even a little?

It hurts.

It hurts.

If it hurts to see me cry,

Then it’s simple,

Don’t look.

If it hurts to hear me cry,

Then its simple,

Don’t listen.

If it hurts for you to stay away,

It’s fine,

I will do it for you.

I want to be left alone,

I need to be left alone,

Yet when I call,

I want you to drop everything and come running.

I don’t need you to say anything.

Don’t tell me everything is ok.

Because it’s not ok.

Don’t tell me you understand.

Because you don’t understand.

Don’t tell me to get over it.

Because I may never get over it,

And I don’t want to get over it.

Don’t talk.

Just sit beside me.

Silence is the best.

If I want to talk,

I will talk.

If I want to be silent,

Let me be silent.

Yes, I’m being selfish.

But can’t I be selfish?

Just this once?

Just this once in my life,

When I’ve lost something so precious?

Something that can never come back to me?

Something that I’ve loved so much,

For at least half my life.

Something that helped make my heart whole.

And yet,

How cruelly,

Extremely cruelly,

Was I denied the chance:

The chance to be by his side,

Not even to comfort him,

To tell him it’s okay now,

To tell him ‘You did well’

To tell him ‘That it’s ok now’

Not even for a final send off,

Not even to say goodbye,

Not even to touch him one last time,

Not even to keep a promise made years ago.

I left a little warm body,

A little waggly tail,

Sad eyes telling me not to go,

‘Stay with me’ He said.

How dearly I wanted to stay with you,

How dearly I so wanted to bring you with me,

At least to the airport that one final time,

I wanted to cuddle you more,

I wanted to spend more time with you.

Who would have known that would be the last time,

The last time I saw those soulful eyes,

The last time I touched that little warm body,

The last time I could kiss that little forehead,

The last time I could inhale his unique scent.

And come home to nothingness,

No excited cries of happiness,

No waggly tail,

No squirming excited little body.

No warmth of that little body,

All that was left was

Tears and heartache.

Ashes and dust.

Retuning home to everything boxed up.

Was probably a mistake I shouldn’t have made.

In thinking about the pain of others,

I said go ahead and box it up.

It may have helped with the pain for others,

But in the end,

It seems that mine became worse.

Your presence all erased,

As if you were never there before.

As if this 13 years never happened.

My eyes searched,

But it searched in vain.

Searched of traces for you.

But I’m left with nothingness.

The corner where your treats was,

Gone.

The corner where your water and food bowl was,

Gone.

The corner where your bed and towel was,

Gone.

Your pillow by my bed.

Gone.

Your toys scattered on the floor.

Gone.

All that’s left is

Just cold metal and dust.

And just as how you fit snugly,

Right into the palm of my hand

When you came into this world.

What you left behind does the same.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I understand the power of grief oh so well now,

Why one is advised not to make drastic decisions.

Your thoughts just go crazy,

It goes round in a never-ending merry go around,

Filled with the ‘what ifs,’

Your feelings are numb,

And it’s so easy to discard things now.

Everything can be discarded now.

They are unneeded.

There is no more need for sentiments.

You think back to the people around you.

Whether they have been there for you.

What have they done for you in the past.

What have they done for you now?

Some have done a little.

It’s not enough.

Some have done nothing

They have done nothing.

Some are doing too much,

That it’s suffocating.

And you think crazy things like severing ties.

Like making sure everyone blames them if something happens.

Like throwing away everything.

The papers, the books, the clothes, anything you can reach.

Like running away to the ends of the earth.

Never coming back.

To leave everything and everyone behind.

Then your rationality comes back,

And you think it’s crazy.

But after a while,

When every thing builds up again,

The cycle repeats itself,

Just as how the horses on the merry go round,

Goes round and round in a never-ending circle,

So does your crazy thoughts.

And you just think,

And you just wait,

In the end,

All you are trying to do is,

Anticipate a trigger

One that will let you go,

Let you go as crazy as you want.

And your rational mind,

Hopes beyond hope,

That there is someone who can stop you,

If that time ever comes.

And now, tonight,

May my tears accompany you,

As it has done so,

Night after night

Since you left this cruel world.


-sunz-

Everyday for 6 months you shed tears as you heard my voice... Maybe it's inevitable now that though it's been almost 4 months I still shed tears almost everyday thinking of you.

Missing you...

-sunz-

It's Chinese New Year, and it's the first one without you.

I had always spent Chinese New Year with family, even when I was in London, so to a certain extent I didn't mind not spending it with family to see how it feels. You know? Just it like any other day in Japan. I'm sure that was how it would have went. 

But...

When I booked my tickets home for February, I thought of you. Of how I wanted to spend time with you and Chinese New Year was the perfect excuse. 

So home I came. 

I came home to you.

It was tough holding back my tears on the flight back, I teared numerous times. 

On a budget airplane with no distractions I turned to my iPad for some much needed distraction. 

In the car, stuck in a 2 hour jam from the airport to home, I tried to hold my tears in. The whole family was being as supportive as they can, coming to the airport to pick me up. 

I knew that I'd cry when I got home, but I guess I over estimated myself, and I have never cried that miserably since the day you left. It was like I could do nothing but just cry. 

I have never felt lonlier than that in my life. 

And it's scary now, so very scary... how normal everyone is, how they are going on as if you never existed in the first place, and it's scary at how hard I'm trying to fit in to match them. 

How I try hard not to cry, how I try hard to laugh because it's a festive season and I that I shouldn't be all gloomy. 

It's just so scary to be home, and see how things have moved on without you. 

I don't know, but every one else may have moved on since they have been here all these while, or like others who only saw you at family get togethers and played with you only briefly then. 

But for me, it was as if it happened yesterday or two days ago. Probably being in Japan froze things a little for me, and I can't keep up with the rest. 

Probably it's because I was the one that you always followed around...

Probably because I was the one that would hold you when all those noisy fireworks went off...

Probably because I was the one that would be busy taking care of you all these while, that without you now, I don't know what to do...

So, I immerse myself in my games, I try to laugh, try not to think...

I'm still missing you terribly but trying really very, very hard not to cry so as not to ruin Chinese New Year for everyone else. But it's tough. It still hurts so much baby. 

Wishing you were here. 

-sunz-

Looking back at my current pictures, this past 3 months, I've cried so much that you can see something like eye bags.

I feel so tired,  I feel so lonely.

Tired of trying to keep my body strong - trying not to fall sick, because it will be very troublesome here if I do fall sick.

Tired of trying to stay strong.

I miss you, I want you.

Somebody help me?

Just as how winter will always turn into spring, So will you always be with me.

-サヤカ-

About the time you started to feel ill, my necklace caught on my bracelet and broke. And I felt like it was a bad omen then, but decided to brush it off as just me being careless. 

It's those unexplainable feelings that I get some times, like the intense sadness I felt before moving to Japan, we were napping together in the living room, me with my intense back pain and I just felt so upset that I had to bawl and cry.

During those two weeks that you were not well, telling you to try to breath via FaceTime was all I could do. But really, all I wanted was to be there with you to rub your back and sooth you, but I didn't get that chance. 

When you came back from the vet and dad cruelly said that you could leave at any time, that upset me so much, at how little tact he had, and though I was crying every day then, and deep,down I probably knew he was right, but I decided to try to remain positive, that you would let me keep our promise and hang on till I came back to be with you.

It upset me so much too when every one kept telling me, don't book my flight home yet, let's wait and monitor your situation. 

At that time, I was ready to spend whatever money it took to be by your side, but... Truthfully? I'm the most upset with myself for listening to anyone but me. 

I remember your labored breathing, the night before, my feeling of helplessness, my frustration at not being able to touch or cuddle you. 

Even for the last time, all I could do was watch...

And while you have brought me so much love and joy in all the time we spent together, all I'm left with now are memories, a broken heart and just your ashes..

It's been 100 days, yet I still cry sometimes when I shower, because my bath foam smells a little like yours; when I finish a cup of milk, because there is no one to finish the last drops for me; when I eat a cup of yogurt, because no one will lick the cup clean any more; when I eat cheese, cause no one will share bits of it with me anymore; when I sleep & wake up, because there is no longer that little warmth by my side.... I still cry so much when I think of you...

I still feel bitter sweet when I see other dogs - I no longer get excited and happy when I see dogs, although I guess it's a huge improvement for not being able to look at dogs at all, or tearing up everytime my eyes set upon one before.

I still cry when I see dog clothes or pet supplies, I cry when animals show somehuman intelligence. 

I guess nothing much has changed in this 100 days, I still cry a lot.

I still feel so lonely. But, I guess...

I feel like I understand better what kind of friends I have. 

What kind of family members I have. 

But, you know what, I have no regrets being with you all these years; thank you for coming to me; thank you for being with me all these years; thank you for all the joy and laughter you brought; thank you also for all the frustration and worry you let me experience when you were being stubborn, naughty or sick. 

If any one ever asks me, if I would go back and change anything? No, I will still want you with me, I would only change the end to make sure that I will be with you in the end. That's all I will change. 

So... If ever time turns back, please come to me again, teach me again, what it's like to care and love another so unconditionally, and this time, let me be there at the end. 

If reincarnation does exist in this world, please come back to me too. I will always welcome you with open arms.

No matter how much time passes, no matter how much we change, always remember that your home is with me, and you are always welcome home.

And know that just as how winter will turn to spring, so will you always be with me. 

-sunz-

Days will pass and turn into years,

But I will always remember you with silent tears.

-Anonymous-

For the past 13 years, although I would have greatly loved to, unfortunately I couldn't bring you with me every where, not when I finished high school, not when I entered college and thereafter University, even more so when I graduated from University, and for the first time then I lamented the lack of you having a passport, and strict animal control in the world, that even if you had a passport, you'd likely need to be quarantined. 

You couldn't attend when I went for my job interviews, or when I got my job, started chambering, or when I got called to the bar and became a full fledged lawyer, you couldn't be there when I was suffering away and slaving away in the law firm till my health suffered terribly.

But you were there, every time I went home after all those events, when at the end of the day, I will still have to go home, and there you were. Waiting faithfully for me. You couldn't be there physically with me but it was a comfort knowing, when I go home there you will be. 

And that was my constant...

***

Hi Baby,

I'm suddenly reminded of the time when I went to collect my car, and I was so happy that I could have you there with me as I went to collect my very first car! 

That you got to be in my new car as well was a huge blessing to me. 

I miss you...

-sunz-

My Favourite Things

Rain on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

:: From the 1959 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical The Sound of Music. ::

What do I do now when thinking of my favourite thing(s) doesn't make things better anymore?

-サヤカ-

As the days go past, my struggles on what to write become more apparent. I am left without words since you left, left without muse, left without strength.

And everyday I sit in front of this screen, thinking of what moment should I share today.

While I have managed to squeeze out a moment every day, unknowing or not whether I had already shared it in the past 100 days, I have to think again today.

It's not that we didn't have 100 memories, I know I've said that, - It's just that... I'm empty.. I don't know what to share, what to write, what to think...

There are so many little memories, piled up over the years, me singing to you, me holding you in my arms and doing a little dance, or me just holding on to your hands, making you stand on your back legs to dance with me, much to your chagrin.

Me making you play the piano, again to your annoyance. All these are small little precious memories, caught only in my mind's eye, difficult to share, unless I own a pensieve (that memory bowl thing from Harry Potter).

There are so many, so small, so precious memories, that it would - in actuality be impossible for me to write them all down, and I guess whatever remains unwritten will forever remain with me.

And as I sit here on day 98, I'm left to think that this Execuy, will end in 100 Days, note that while it may end here, my heart will continue to mourn for you and remember you.

I still cry, I still break down sometimes. But I guess, that's just how it is.

***

Hi Baby,

Another  busy and cold day, huh? I really hope we get to see some snow before we go back for the holidays. lol

Anyway, yesterday when I let that stray cat sit on my lap to steal some warmth, I cried because it licked my fingers like how you used to sometimes. 

And they always say that a cat's tongue is rough but it wasn't. 

Of course two taps on its body to let it know that I wanted to go didn't work. It wasn't you after all...

-sunz-

Clueless..

What do you do now?

What can you do?

Where can you go?

-サヤカ-

Apparently your breed likes to burrow, and dig.. right? But unfortunately, we had no tunnels at home for you.. So where did you burrow? 

Under the blankets of course. It was funny how you would tunnel your way through, how sometimes we would throw your towel on you, and you would "burrow" your way out.

 

Or how when we are sleeping together, and it gets too cold for you, you would snuggle in and burrow under the blankets to be close to me for some body heat. 

I'm missing all those...

***

Hi Baby,

I'm wondering if we will get to see snow before we go back for Chinese New Year? 

-sunz-

Missing you... 

Thinking of you...

Wanting to hold you...

To hear you...

Why is it so hard?

-サヤカ-

For some reason at the beginning, you didn't really like sleeping on my lap that much. I don't know why.

Maybe that time I was too skinny and was all skin and bones and wasn't comfortable enough for you to sleep on?

Either way, I was always jealous that you would always go lie on someone's else lap even though I was your mummy.

But well, after that you started to snuggle up to me, and I noticed, comfortable or not, I don't know, but I did gain some weight from 10 years ago, so maybe my lap became nice and snugly for you too.

I want to feel you on my lap again, I want you to snuggle on my lap right now...

But I guess that's impossible now....

***

Hi Baby,

I don't know if it's the cold weather or it's just the way things are now... I want someone from home to call me, yet don't want anyone from home to call me.

Calling me, means I can't see you, you are not there. But not calling me, leaves me lonely.

Either way, my tears have still not dried, so I guess it makes no difference at all. lol


-sunz- 

Somehow...

Somehow...

-サヤカ-

Although I was irritated by cousin Ben yesterday, I'm suddenly reminded of that one time where we stayed over at his place. Mom & dad had went off somewhere leaving me home alone. 

Worried for some reason about leaving us home alone, I think Aunt Alice kindly offered to let us stay the night. 

Mind you that Aunt Alice lives in a condominium, and condominiums back home are not pet friendly, so we had to smuggle you in. 

You were as quiet as a door mouse, or as quiet as can be when we smuggled you in. We got a bit nervous when some people entered the lift, but we made it up to Aunt Alice's place unscathed. And you were as usual excited about new territory. 

Of course as with every new place, first thing in order was always for me to teach you where is the toilet 

For some reason you refused to use the toilet that I was sharing with Fiona though, and kept on using Ben's toilet for your business. 

We joked that it was a men's toilet that's why you were using it. 

But at one point, Ben was inside and it seemed like you really needed to poop.

For some reason, you sniffed out the toilet at the back of the kitchen, the one meant for a maid to use, and pooped there. You still refused to do your business in the toilet that I was using. 

I wonder why. 

Either way Aunt Alice was really impressed with you, since you somehow knew to look for a toilet. 

***

Hi Baby,

As you know, I decided to stay home today, and work from home, did some cleaning as ell...

That's bout it...

Somehow... If there was a way, I would love to see you.. Go to where you are now...

-sunz-

Bite me!

-サヤカ-

In anticipation of your teething, when I had got you I made sure that we bought some bones for you to chew on.

Those small ivory colored tasteless things which you actually didn't seem to like. 

Then we discovered greenies. And the biscuits. 

I realised that for some reason you didn't seem to like lamb or beef flavoured treats but chicken flavoured treats. 

Since then I would always try to find chicken flavoured biscuits or treats for you. You always looked so cute holding it between your hands as you ate them.

Truth be told, I too usually prefer chicken over lamb and beef. *chuckles* took after me?

***

Hi Baby,

I've asked sis to get you a greenie or something ok. So hold tight. 

-sunz-

To be or not to be?

That is the question.

(From hamlet...)

-サヤカ-

As this 100 Execuy is nearing its end, and as I think each day what memory to share, in some sense I look forward to the end but I also dread the end. 

I want to, yet I also don't want to remincise, like your first  shirt. Blue, size zero, bought from the pet shop at ss2, we actually brought you to the shop and had you try it on. 

You were so small then.. 

Or your second and three shirts, bought from atria. They were on sale. 

I remember every shirt I bought for you, where I bought it. I might have mixed up the timeline a little. But I remember as if it was just yesterday. 

And when I go paws by pet supplies, my eyes automatically goes to the clothes, and I s

Ways, always feel like crying.

Funerals are held for a reason, and I thought giving myself 100 days to mourn for you is what I would need.

But it's looking like it's not enough. Maybe it's because is I'm away from home. 

I don't know. I do know that i will continue to mourn you, e en when this 100 days are over.

***

Hi Baby, 

We've been out the whole day. At least we were in doors most of the time escaping the the cold. And we managed to see a small ceremony involving how the Japanese open a new shop. We usually cut a red ribbon, they break the wooden cover of a wooden bucket filled with sake. It was an interesting experience. 

And at the end if the day I'm tired and just want to go home to rest. If only you there for me to cuddle. 

I will be home to you soon. Wait a little longer ok? 

Love

-sunz-

Shower me with love.

-サヤカ-

The you that hated to shower, was adorable, I think I mentioned this before, but it was probably too cold for you, that's why you hated to shower.

We used to shower you in the downstairs toilet, before the renovation. 

We would get a tub big enough for you, boil water, fill it up with cold water, add in the hot water then shower you. 

You hated going into that tub. And you basically hated your baths then, cause water would get into your nose and ears. At the beginning I wasn't very good at giving you baths, and you tended to squirm a bit sometimes. 

Guess it became unpleasant, and the reason why you always ran.

So when preparing for your bath, and so that you can't get away, I took to catching you and putting you in a basket.

Like this one lol. That time we still had your blue cage out, and I couldn't risk you running into your "safe haven". I had established it upon advise from the books that I should allow you a "safe haven". A place where you cannot be punished or forced out off. So to avoid you from going in there, we sometimes closed the door or caught you first before you went in. 

Kind of defeats the purpose eh? Sorry about that...

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, I don't know when it started, but from the back of the house, you were allowed a free run of the whole of downstairs, and upstairs as well. 

And one fine day, I got the idea to shower together. Ever since then we showered together every time, but you still tried to escape the bath room. 

To avoid either of us getting cold, I would usually shower first, then shower you. But you would always be trying to make your escape from the bathroom, so I had to put you somewhere you couldn't run.

Viola, genius me came up with the toilet haha, so you couldn't jump down and run away.

Well, bath time progressively became not such a chore for you, when I started to let you play with water when we were showering, and it progressed to the point where you would just sit on a dry spot in the toilet, waiting for your turn when I'm done.

Progression right? I guess that's only natural...

***

Hi Baby,

I dreamt about you last night, about me feeding you food that I was eating, that you were probably not supposed to eat but we would give it to you when you gave us the puppy eye stare. Are you hungry?

You gave me a guilty manja look in my dream... Still trying to figure that one out.


-sunz-

Find me,

Even if you can't see me.

-サヤカ-

I'm suddenly reminded of the time I started to play "find the treat" with you. 

I read that even dogs could go senile if they are not mentally stimulated in their later years. So in a bid to keep you sharp. I would play that game with you when I had the time and strength. 

I wished we had played it more. 

Anyway, I liked how you found all the treats with some prompting. Even when I hid them on the sofa, under the carpet, in corners, on the stairs etc.

You being you, I guess I didn't have to worry bout you going senile, you got so used to the game that you started to anticipate where I would put the treats. Smart kid. But well that's my little boy. Right?

***

Hi Baby, 

My colleague said it snowed this morning, but I didn't see it, nor saw any traces of it. Oh well guess I will get a chance to see it soon, since it keeps getting colder here.

Trying not to cry in the morning and night now.

-sunz-

The days don't get any easier.

-サヤカ-

 Since I've been feeling down in the dumps lately, and trying to distract myself with my work and games, let me post something that was at least a little remotely funny to me when I did it to you.

In 2013 after my first trip back from Japan, I bought a few things here and there, and my then violin teacher asked me to buy some stickers for his niece, I did, and since it was a gift, I took off the price tag, and being cheeky me, I stuck it on you.

You hate whenever I used to do things like that to you, sticking something on your forehead, like those chinese zombies.

I was so mean right? but anyway, I sent a picture of you with the price tag to my Japanese friends, and all of them said "wah you are so cheap!" haha well 370yen, that is cheap haha, but you know, as we all do, you are actually priceless.

***



Hi Baby,

It's been 90 days, and the days don't get any easier, I wake up with tears in my eyes... I sometimes sleep with a few tears in my eyes too, I try to keep busy, I try to keep you close, but it's hard.

How do you mend a broken heart? How do you get over the loss of 13 years of love and companionship? 

How do you mend the feelings of guilt and of anger of not being there when you needed me most?

How do you heal the pain that stemmed from not being able to be by your side during those last few months, weeks, days and hours?

How do you mend the feelings of wanting to see you, hold you, cuddle you, talk to you.

I want to see your face, I want to see you react to me when I talk to you, when I bully you, when we cuddle.

What do you do? What can I do?

-sunz-

It's not so much of the question how or when. But of why.

-サヤカ-

As we grew so did you...

The way you leveled up was funny though. 

From your blue cage to a cushion to our beds. *chuckle*

Remember that you were so small that we were worried you couldn't get into your blue cage? 

Bro and I used one of the remains from a project from my home economics class as a step for you. 

And we taught you how to use it. 

But since it was no fixture by any means it kept moving. And after a while, we dispensed of it totally...

I don't know why, but I just recalled this randomly....

***

Hi Baby,

Today I was suddenly missing you, the look on your face, your warmth, your smell... Your everything.