It's Chinese New Year, and it's the first one without you.

I had always spent Chinese New Year with family, even when I was in London, so to a certain extent I didn't mind not spending it with family to see how it feels. You know? Just it like any other day in Japan. I'm sure that was how it would have went. 

But...

When I booked my tickets home for February, I thought of you. Of how I wanted to spend time with you and Chinese New Year was the perfect excuse. 

So home I came. 

I came home to you.

It was tough holding back my tears on the flight back, I teared numerous times. 

On a budget airplane with no distractions I turned to my iPad for some much needed distraction. 

In the car, stuck in a 2 hour jam from the airport to home, I tried to hold my tears in. The whole family was being as supportive as they can, coming to the airport to pick me up. 

I knew that I'd cry when I got home, but I guess I over estimated myself, and I have never cried that miserably since the day you left. It was like I could do nothing but just cry. 

I have never felt lonlier than that in my life. 

And it's scary now, so very scary... how normal everyone is, how they are going on as if you never existed in the first place, and it's scary at how hard I'm trying to fit in to match them. 

How I try hard not to cry, how I try hard to laugh because it's a festive season and I that I shouldn't be all gloomy. 

It's just so scary to be home, and see how things have moved on without you. 

I don't know, but every one else may have moved on since they have been here all these while, or like others who only saw you at family get togethers and played with you only briefly then. 

But for me, it was as if it happened yesterday or two days ago. Probably being in Japan froze things a little for me, and I can't keep up with the rest. 

Probably it's because I was the one that you always followed around...

Probably because I was the one that would hold you when all those noisy fireworks went off...

Probably because I was the one that would be busy taking care of you all these while, that without you now, I don't know what to do...

So, I immerse myself in my games, I try to laugh, try not to think...

I'm still missing you terribly but trying really very, very hard not to cry so as not to ruin Chinese New Year for everyone else. But it's tough. It still hurts so much baby. 

Wishing you were here. 

-sunz-