Just as how winter will always turn into spring, So will you always be with me.

-サヤカ-

About the time you started to feel ill, my necklace caught on my bracelet and broke. And I felt like it was a bad omen then, but decided to brush it off as just me being careless. 

It's those unexplainable feelings that I get some times, like the intense sadness I felt before moving to Japan, we were napping together in the living room, me with my intense back pain and I just felt so upset that I had to bawl and cry.

During those two weeks that you were not well, telling you to try to breath via FaceTime was all I could do. But really, all I wanted was to be there with you to rub your back and sooth you, but I didn't get that chance. 

When you came back from the vet and dad cruelly said that you could leave at any time, that upset me so much, at how little tact he had, and though I was crying every day then, and deep,down I probably knew he was right, but I decided to try to remain positive, that you would let me keep our promise and hang on till I came back to be with you.

It upset me so much too when every one kept telling me, don't book my flight home yet, let's wait and monitor your situation. 

At that time, I was ready to spend whatever money it took to be by your side, but... Truthfully? I'm the most upset with myself for listening to anyone but me. 

I remember your labored breathing, the night before, my feeling of helplessness, my frustration at not being able to touch or cuddle you. 

Even for the last time, all I could do was watch...

And while you have brought me so much love and joy in all the time we spent together, all I'm left with now are memories, a broken heart and just your ashes..

It's been 100 days, yet I still cry sometimes when I shower, because my bath foam smells a little like yours; when I finish a cup of milk, because there is no one to finish the last drops for me; when I eat a cup of yogurt, because no one will lick the cup clean any more; when I eat cheese, cause no one will share bits of it with me anymore; when I sleep & wake up, because there is no longer that little warmth by my side.... I still cry so much when I think of you...

I still feel bitter sweet when I see other dogs - I no longer get excited and happy when I see dogs, although I guess it's a huge improvement for not being able to look at dogs at all, or tearing up everytime my eyes set upon one before.

I still cry when I see dog clothes or pet supplies, I cry when animals show somehuman intelligence. 

I guess nothing much has changed in this 100 days, I still cry a lot.

I still feel so lonely. But, I guess...

I feel like I understand better what kind of friends I have. 

What kind of family members I have. 

But, you know what, I have no regrets being with you all these years; thank you for coming to me; thank you for being with me all these years; thank you for all the joy and laughter you brought; thank you also for all the frustration and worry you let me experience when you were being stubborn, naughty or sick. 

If any one ever asks me, if I would go back and change anything? No, I will still want you with me, I would only change the end to make sure that I will be with you in the end. That's all I will change. 

So... If ever time turns back, please come to me again, teach me again, what it's like to care and love another so unconditionally, and this time, let me be there at the end. 

If reincarnation does exist in this world, please come back to me too. I will always welcome you with open arms.

No matter how much time passes, no matter how much we change, always remember that your home is with me, and you are always welcome home.

And know that just as how winter will turn to spring, so will you always be with me. 

-sunz-