Words have failed me.

My thoughts are disarrayed.

All I know is

That it hurts,

That I cannot breathe.

All I know is

That I want to cry.

I want to cry till the river runs dry.

I want to cry till day turns to dusk.

Till I grow blind,

Till my voice goes husk and disappears.

Will this pain then elevate?

Even a little?

It hurts.

It hurts.

If it hurts to see me cry,

Then it’s simple,

Don’t look.

If it hurts to hear me cry,

Then its simple,

Don’t listen.

If it hurts for you to stay away,

It’s fine,

I will do it for you.

I want to be left alone,

I need to be left alone,

Yet when I call,

I want you to drop everything and come running.

I don’t need you to say anything.

Don’t tell me everything is ok.

Because it’s not ok.

Don’t tell me you understand.

Because you don’t understand.

Don’t tell me to get over it.

Because I may never get over it,

And I don’t want to get over it.

Don’t talk.

Just sit beside me.

Silence is the best.

If I want to talk,

I will talk.

If I want to be silent,

Let me be silent.

Yes, I’m being selfish.

But can’t I be selfish?

Just this once?

Just this once in my life,

When I’ve lost something so precious?

Something that can never come back to me?

Something that I’ve loved so much,

For at least half my life.

Something that helped make my heart whole.

And yet,

How cruelly,

Extremely cruelly,

Was I denied the chance:

The chance to be by his side,

Not even to comfort him,

To tell him it’s okay now,

To tell him ‘You did well’

To tell him ‘That it’s ok now’

Not even for a final send off,

Not even to say goodbye,

Not even to touch him one last time,

Not even to keep a promise made years ago.

I left a little warm body,

A little waggly tail,

Sad eyes telling me not to go,

‘Stay with me’ He said.

How dearly I wanted to stay with you,

How dearly I so wanted to bring you with me,

At least to the airport that one final time,

I wanted to cuddle you more,

I wanted to spend more time with you.

Who would have known that would be the last time,

The last time I saw those soulful eyes,

The last time I touched that little warm body,

The last time I could kiss that little forehead,

The last time I could inhale his unique scent.

And come home to nothingness,

No excited cries of happiness,

No waggly tail,

No squirming excited little body.

No warmth of that little body,

All that was left was

Tears and heartache.

Ashes and dust.

Retuning home to everything boxed up.

Was probably a mistake I shouldn’t have made.

In thinking about the pain of others,

I said go ahead and box it up.

It may have helped with the pain for others,

But in the end,

It seems that mine became worse.

Your presence all erased,

As if you were never there before.

As if this 13 years never happened.

My eyes searched,

But it searched in vain.

Searched of traces for you.

But I’m left with nothingness.

The corner where your treats was,

Gone.

The corner where your water and food bowl was,

Gone.

The corner where your bed and towel was,

Gone.

Your pillow by my bed.

Gone.

Your toys scattered on the floor.

Gone.

All that’s left is

Just cold metal and dust.

And just as how you fit snugly,

Right into the palm of my hand

When you came into this world.

What you left behind does the same.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I understand the power of grief oh so well now,

Why one is advised not to make drastic decisions.

Your thoughts just go crazy,

It goes round in a never-ending merry go around,

Filled with the ‘what ifs,’

Your feelings are numb,

And it’s so easy to discard things now.

Everything can be discarded now.

They are unneeded.

There is no more need for sentiments.

You think back to the people around you.

Whether they have been there for you.

What have they done for you in the past.

What have they done for you now?

Some have done a little.

It’s not enough.

Some have done nothing

They have done nothing.

Some are doing too much,

That it’s suffocating.

And you think crazy things like severing ties.

Like making sure everyone blames them if something happens.

Like throwing away everything.

The papers, the books, the clothes, anything you can reach.

Like running away to the ends of the earth.

Never coming back.

To leave everything and everyone behind.

Then your rationality comes back,

And you think it’s crazy.

But after a while,

When every thing builds up again,

The cycle repeats itself,

Just as how the horses on the merry go round,

Goes round and round in a never-ending circle,

So does your crazy thoughts.

And you just think,

And you just wait,

In the end,

All you are trying to do is,

Anticipate a trigger

One that will let you go,

Let you go as crazy as you want.

And your rational mind,

Hopes beyond hope,

That there is someone who can stop you,

If that time ever comes.

And now, tonight,

May my tears accompany you,

As it has done so,

Night after night

Since you left this cruel world.


-sunz-