Wind

As the wind blows away,

My hair flutters,

And I wondered,

Can the wind blow away,

My pain,

So deeply embedded,

That once again, 

May my heart flutter.

-サヤカ-

The other day, I watched a video of a corgi, trying to jump over a little railing, but it couldn't, and its owner was videotaping it.

It tried and it tried, and still couldn't, then it faced its owner and started barking, as if saying, "hey stop recording and get your ass over here and help me".

It was really funny, and it reminded me of you. To be frank you hardly barked at me, rather you'd give me that puppy eye look. 

But there was this one time, you were trying to get yi lai up the stairs, but she was too heavy and too big for you. 

And you tried, and you tried, but couldn't get her up the stairs.

It was so funny. 

You ended up getting frustrated and started barking at yi lai instead. 

Instead of asking for help, you were scolding her haha.

That was a good memory.

***

Hi Baby,

It's a really windy and rainy day today. 

Another Friday has come, no longer do I seem to appreciate Fridays. 

Because on Fridays I have to try my best not to cry.

But that isn't the only thing about me that has changed.

In this one week, I've seen 2 dogs, of your breed and colour. One in Koya san, and one in town today.

And while my eyes involuntarily followed those two creatures, it was forlorn. No longer were they excited.

That Friday, which seems like it was so long ago, has changed me.

I realised it when Emily squealed and got excited over a Labrador in Koyasan. 

I used to get excited whenever I saw any dogs in person. 

But not anymore.

I used to get excited seeing, pet supplies or pet stores.

But not anymore. 

In fact I seem to get something akin to a panic attack when I realise I'm near a pet store or pet supplies. My heart rate seems to speed up, i.e. It feels like I have palpitations, and it feels like if I hang around the vicinity any longer, that I would have trouble breathing.

Probably because of my current work, Fridays don't make that much difference to me any more. But I usually do not have any strong feelings towards any day of the week anyway.

But now, I don't like Fridays. Because it reminds me of that Friday, 2 months ago.

I recently had to refill my shower gel, and because I use baby products, the new shower gel, smells a bit like yours. 

And I broke down crying in the shower just now. Will I cry now, every time I shower?

While I don't usually seem to feel or express much it's different than now, where I just feel empty...

And once again I started thinking, how much I want you by my side, then end up crying, because I know that isn' tpossible anymore.

-sunz-