*This was a scheduled post, and was written before 16 October 2015, hence the reason why it still sounds so upbeat. I've amended it a little only to reflect the current situation, but left almost all of it as initially drafted.*

I just realized, but 31 October 2015, marks the 10th Anniversary of my blog. 10 years!

What a long way I have come, since then.

I apparently started this blog on 31st October 2005, whilst I was in my first year of Law School / University.

(I know for a fact that I meddled with the date of the first post, so this blog's actual birthday is either before or after that date, but I can't remember the exact date - so let's all just forget bout that technicality here lol) 

The design of this blog is thanks to ccymie who kindly designed the current outline of the blog in 2007 according to my specifications, and I have not been inclined to change the design at all all this years. (Though if and when he has the time I may need some help with some html codes on the sidebar for outdated apps.)

The theme for the blog, being "Flow" where I chose water as the main premise, since water is ever changing, and conforms to whatever container you put it in; it can be gentle and it can be cruel; it's unpredictable. 

Which, is in line with this blog's main focus of being unable to see what the future will bring us i.e. I still stay by the theme of this blog that the 'future is unpredictable'; and that the 'fight to rise once again' is till ongoing as a daily battle. But that's a different story for maybe another day, and/or different audience.

While due to work commitments I had became less active over the years in posting anything at all.

Since I rather spend my spare time catching up on my sleep or other things than racking my brains thinking about posting anything. I've honestly also become more reserved about what I want to share online with people who know me, and what I would like to share with strangers, if any, do read what I write.

I also went through a lot career wise. My direct superior and senior left the team at the same time i.e. in April 2011, forcing a 3 man team into a 1 man team, with the same amount of workload, if not more. Hence the lack of posts from that duration on wards. I did write intermittently during that tough time, so maybe I will retrieve what I wrote and post them later. Those will be backdated though, I think..

And also due to some ex acquaintances, who for a lack of a better word were nosy, stalking, gossip mongers, I had for many years made this blog only available for private viewing - it's public again now, and if you don't like what I post then just don't read or follow this blog.

(I'm in a position now where I seriously don't give a damn about your opinions. It's not like you are losing anything financially or your quality of life by what I post here. So don't waste your time reading something you don't like. i.e. No one is forcing you to read my mindless and lengthy ramblings...)

I did skim through my posts from this past 10 years and all I can say is that, the me of the past 10 years, rambles a lot, curses a lot , procrastinates a lot (I probably still do all three a lot?), has a weird sense of humour(?), freaks out a lot close to exams, took a lot of random online quizzes, and again... Rambles a lot.. Ahh, those were the days... 

Amongst my favourite posts from the past that I found during my skimming - be wary of Manglish - I had this habit of not checking what I wrote for grammatical/spelling errors, and used SMS spellings all the time as well:
Poems I wrote: here, here, here, & here.
Me freaking out over my revenue law assignment
Mother's Day in May 2008
Me Freaking out before the CLP/Malaysian Bar Exam lol
Sister's Birthday Card in August 2008
Precious in his Younger Years in August 2008
My Singaporean Cousin, who is the first to classify my alien-ism as an Amoeba, lol

Anyway besides all the random ramblings, whining, complaints, weird posts.. etc..  (I actually read Shakespeare.. Such a nerd! lol) I apparently live a very uninteresting life, since all I do is work; I don't hold interests in things long enough usually (read: short attention span.. lol..), and I'm apathetic to almost everything that won't cause me or people/things/other living beings, I care about, any financial, physical or psychological harm. I guess overall, I am just not that attached to this world.

But I digress... Back to the topic at hand...

This Blog's 10th Anniversary!!

~~

Well, in this year of 2015, to be more precise 31 October 2015 (darn forgot those html codes to make the words blink =.='), 10 years has come to pass since this blog officially had it's humble beginnings...  

So.... After 10 years..... What's different? Besides the recent loss of Baby (which I will not address further here).

I've started a new chapter of my life, since as of 1 April 2015, for a duration of one year I was stationed in the land of the rising sun.  In a so-called secondment by my firm to work as an assistant professor in a certain university here.

After this stint i.e. in April 2016 I'll be going back home; don't get me wrong, while I love Japan, I don't love living here for the long term due to various reasons that I decline to mention in this post, or it will be never ending.

All I can say is that after Japan, I will need to seriously rethink my future, do I want to keep slaving away at my current law firm, or review other options? (Which are all probably in-house options.)

One thing I can say for sure is that in 2005 when I started law school, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer, and I never considered being a lecturer. So I didn't bother with a LL.M.  (that's the minimum educational requirement to be a lecturer - besides my bar school offered an LL.M from some Australian University that I've never heard of till this day). 

I did consider doing a masters, maybe a LL.M or MBA, since it seemed it might be better for the corporate world, if you hold a directorship or something, (your profile would look a little nicer in the prospectus lol) it could be advantageous, but I've met some lawyers who don't hold any masters at all, and they are doing fine... So I digress...

Anyway back to the topic at hand, now 10 years after the start of law school, I spent about 7 years of that being a corporate lawyer and now I'm an assistant professor at a Japanese University, in Japan obviously, and I must say, to be frank, I still cannot imagine myself in the teaching profession. 

I rather be out there as a lawyer or an in-house counsel. I honestly prefer drafting/reviewing contracts to preparing power points. Talking to clients than to students. You could say I've rediscovered my love for drafting here. 

Maybe I'm still considered young; maybe I like the corporate world better than the academic world; maybe I'm too used to what I have in the corporate world that moving to the academic world seems like something I can't get accustomed to; or maybe it's a case of who moved my cheese. 

The corporate world isn't all rainbows, chocolates, roses, puppies or sunshine either, the long hours I spend slaving away, dealing with crazy people etc. The toll on my health... Both physical and psychologically... But I think in my personal view that it's more challenging and interesting as compared to where I am now. 

Maybe I'm not being utilized to my full potential here at the university, so I feel this way, but I digress, that is a can of "what ifs" that I will probably never have the chance the open in this lifetime.  

Or maybe, if I ever do fall in love, get married and ever have kids, maybe.... Just maybe.... I will find what I have now more appealing....

So here's to another 10 years! To the future where I hope that this blog and/or I'm still around then, or that still remember about this blog and will post something. Cheers!

-サヤカ-

To share a meal,

Is to share love. 

-サヤカ-  

Every time we went out, and if it was meal time. More often than not I would be sharing my meal with you. Provided that it wasn't salty. 

I would be like a mother bird feeding her baby. 

I remember that you would lick the remains of the yogurt in my cup, and drink what little milk remained at the end of my cup. 

Helped me eat my breakfast of bread because it was too early for me to eat much in the morning of my schooling days. 

You loved cheese and I still remember the time you stole the preserved barbecue meat right out of my hand. You were cheeky. 

You loved cheese cake too and dad especially, would share his with you. 

Who now will lick my yogurt cup clean? 

I'm always reminded of you when I catch sight of the bottom of my cup after I've had my milk, and remember how you would come running the moment I crouched down, cup poised over my hand to empty those few drops of milk into my palm for you to drink. 

I still miss you a lot. 

***

Hi Baby,

Grieving away from home can only be summed up with one word. Difficult. With no family or friends. It's harsh and lonely. 

No one knows how you are doing. And with all the strangers around. You have to fix a smile on your face, laugh and hold your head up. Even though you feel like you are drowning. 

Even though just taking one step forward uses up all your strength. 

No one asks how you are. No one gives you a hug or holds your hand. There isn't anyone by your side. 

Sometimes you will feel like crying for help... For someone to save you. But you don't, because you know it's futile. 

No one will come to your aid. Help... Is too far away...

-Sunz-

As the cityscape flashes past,

Only I stuck fast,

As the world moves by,

Only I said goodbye. 

-サヤカ-

Seems like I may have inadvertently came up with a Haiku of some sort when I was riding the train to work today.

It's been 14 days since you left, but I will try to make today's post a bit lighter, since sis managed to find some scandalous pictures of you last night.

In hopes that this helps give us all a brighter day... At least for today.

It seems that in my younger days, I was quite the cheeky thing, and I used to bully you quite a bit because you were so damn cute.

It seems that there was once a time where I aspired for you to become a ninja, and the cheeky little brat that I was, I did these to you.

As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words.

Find the similarities with the ninjas from Naruto!

This is Kankuro from the Sand Village in the Naruto anime.

See the similarities? Lol

This is Shikamaru from the Konoha village from the same anime. Pay special attention to his wrists and shin.

Viola! See the similarities?

And you became a ninja.. lol.. You didn't look too pleased with the transformation though.

These were all roughly 2009 pictures

***

Hi Baby,

It's been 14 days, and I'm just doing my best to hang in there until December...

-sunz-

Fashionista

There is an idiom that says,

Clothes make the man,

Though that never applied to you,

You always looked good.

-サヤカ-


This is just going to be a post full of pictures as I show off your humongous wardrobe. Almost everywhere I went, I would check out the little cute doggy clothes, and  most of the time, I do end up buying a shirt or two for you.

Heck, even my friends gave me doggy clothes for you on my birthday in 2009.

Whether or not you really liked your shirts, we aren't sure, but when it's chilly, you sure were cute when you wanted to wear your shirt. And the pictures here, are seriously not even all your shirts yet. lol.

I kept buying you shirts. I don't know why I did that lol.

Even during my travels if I saw a cool shirt I'd get it for you.

The last shirt I got for you was from Ise, Japan in August 2015. It was a beautiful black shirt with Sakura flowers and an embroidered carp. It was a really cool shirt.

Unfortunately we only have one picture of you in that shirt, and I can't bear to post that picture.



 You even had a "Hard Dog Cafe" shirt, which matches with my Bali, Hard Rock Cafe shirt. lol













Anyone who knows about the Shinsengumi would recognize your shirt. This was from the Kyoto period drama entertainment park, Toei Kyoto Studio Park which I went in October 2014.







This shirt just says "Matsuri" or festival and I got it during my first trip to Japan in 2013. It was in Kyoto, along the streets leading to the Kiyomizu temple. 

I remember being excited at finding doggy shirts, and being unsure if the size would fit you; in the end, I had had to borrow the shop's doggy mannequin to determine if the shirt would fit.

Even then I thought it was a tad to big, but this was their smallest size.


***

Hi Baby,

I've been trying to and have probably successfully keept myself distracted by watching anime and playing my games, though really, I should be working. lol.

Recently I've watched the anime GeneShaft and Eden of the East.

I first watched GeneShaft about more than a decade ago, when Mike introduced it to me. It's a story about the future where humans are genetically engineered. There was a dog in that anime, that had human intelligence and could actually email and do video calls. Maybe that kind of future isn't far off, since we had tried numerous times to teach you to watch television or to partake in video calls.

Eden of the East is a funny and mysterious anime. In the end even after I'm done watching it, I still feel like there were unanswered questions. It was really interesting though. And there was a cute mini shiba inu inside. I swear, I didn't pick these shows because they have a dog in it. I randomly picked it and realised it later.

Anyway... I really don't know what else to do, save to pack for my business trip next week? I don't really have the mood to do anything. Sigh... And even playing my games feels forced to me, that's why I've taken to watching stuff.

I probably won't be able to post when I'm in Australia next week. But I will try my best. I will still write everyday.

-sunz-

March

Can you find the Baby? lol

Through the shrubbery

You marched,

Forward on!

Like a little soldier!

-サヤカ-

I've been searching through my hard drives and facebook, looking for pictures and videos of you.

And all I can say?

Planning his next course of action?

I'm like those stupid parents, who keeps taking pictures of their kids *Chuckles*

Ever since I came into a possession of a digital camera, I kind of went berserk with the photo taking, I guess.

Oh no! Enemy spotted!

Here are some of my favourites, you playing around in the grass.

The grass was so tall, that you couldn't walk through and you took to prancing around like a mousedeer.


Jumping like an antelope through the grass, as I watched you play.

I remember when I first started letting you out into our garden, (when we still had grass), I would sit on the porch and just lose myself watching you.

Sometimes I got bored, and at one point I started throwing pebbles round the garden, and you would chase after them.

And I knew then, that a toy to play in the garden was much needed. lol

Requesting back up! lol

The pictures here were taken in maternal grandma's overgrown garden.

You looked like you are having the time of your life as usual when you have grass.

***

Hi Baby,

Last night was tough, and mom and sis asked if I wanted to go home. 

I dare not go home. I'm not ready to face home yet. I'm still processing all that is going on now. 

Mom offered to come over, but what is she going to do here? 

In this country that is slowly driving me up the walls? lol. 

So I just cried and let it be. 

I was looking desperately for that video of you swimming in the sea, but can't seem to find it with me. 

Hope that sis manages to find it and bring it to me when she comes?

I took around to looking around facebook though, and found some old pictures of you from around 2006 - 2010. When you were still young looking and weren't dropping hair yet.

In almost all the pictures, you looked happy. If it wasn't a happy look it was more like a "what the hell are you doing to me" look, "please let me go" look, "I give up" look, and a few others. It was really entertaining, and I will slowly share some of them here. 

The pictures above, were probably taken in 2009 or 2010. Since you had already lost your baby face, and looked like a handsome and mature man  haha.

Today was a bit better. Yet to cry, and hoping that I won't feel the need to cry today. 

Much love

-sunz-

Grass

Do you remember,

The smell of grass?

Or the feel of it?

-サヤカ-

Since I was so overprotective, you probably felt grass for the first time when you were about a year's old, and boy did you revel in it.

Sometimes you would dig, sometimes you would roll around in the grass, sometimes you would prance around in the grass.

And if the grass was long enough, you'd look like a little mouse-deer, hopping around.

You would chase butterflies, dragonflies, or anything worth chasing.

You would love it when I plucked up some grass and threw it in the air like confetti, as you tried to catch it.

And sometimes you would eat grass, and end up with an upset stomach, since apparently dogs only eat grass when their stomach wasn't well and they needed to regurgitate what they at.

All I can say is that you really loved your grass, and the time when we renovated the porch, your beloved grass was all taken away, and when you came back from your walk, you headed straight for your grass like usual, only to screech to a stop, and give me a sad look, as if saying "What happened to my grass?!"

The only place you could enjoy grass after that was back in our hometown, and as usual you revelled in grass.

***

Hi Baby,

The days are getting shorter and colder here, I've reverted to my usual routine, to give me a semblance of normalcy. Well it's easier to do that here any way.

Since all I can do here is sit here and reminisce about the past. 

The other day, I finally had the courage to ask sis about your last moments, and all I felt as she told me was, that you knew and you tried to look for me.

I'm still not sure if I should feel thankful that I didn't see your last moments, cause according to sis it was very painful and she still recalls it even now.

Am I really lucky to have been spared from that? I don't know, that belongs in the un-openable can of "what ifs" & "should haves", so it will definitely forever remain a mystery.

I've tried to stop thinking that I should have been there. And I think things have gotten a little bit easier. That and I distract myself with other stuff now. 

Now what comes to me is just that "You are no longer here".

And yesterday for some reason, that upset me more than usual.

-sunz-
 

I don't know why, but I just felt like this randomly. I guess I suddenly miss dad lol :p

This has probably been at the back of mind ever since I watched that movie "Inside out" on the plane from Malaysia to Japan.

It's a movie about the emotions and memories inside someone. But I digress,

Fathers are like one of the most awkward creatures ever. Somehow they have been programmed to not show much emotion.  Or their circuit board is wired a little haphazardly, making it difficult for them to express themselves.

But they are like your shadow, you don't realise it, but somehow in their own way, they are always there for you.

They drive you up the walls, are not as empathetic as mothers, and though it doesn't show, but they really do try.

When we are in pain, or in distress, somehow, probably because we are programmed that way, we cry out to mothers first.

Probably sometimes to the chagrins of dads *Chuckles*

We don't give enough credit to dads, do we?

I remember my crazy believe in Vicks as the ultimate flu medication was thanks to dad (I've mentioned this before, and it's one of my fondest memories).

I remember falling asleep on the couch to miraculously wake up in bed. lol *it's magic!! - Chuckles*

I remember the time when I was a child, he'd excitedly call me to his side. Show me a worm and tried to convince the little me that it's a snake. I was like (-_-') "That's a worm dad..." lol

Or the time he was cleaning the lights in the dining room, and excitedly called me over to show me.... "Dinosaur eggs".  I  was like, that's impossible, Dinosaurs are extinct, but he can be quite convincing.. lol and I guess the little me almost believed him then, but I later realised those were lizard eggs. So again I was like this (-_-'). But I would never had seen lizard eggs if not for dad. *Chuckles* - To be frank I've never seen lizard eggs again since then lol

I remember how when the streets got crowded, dad would lift me onto his shoulders, and I'd be on top of the world.

How while holding my hand when shopping, and if he needed his hands, he'd shove my hands into his pocket *Chuckles*

How when he came back from work, the little me, would run up to him, be swept up in his arms and he would use his chin with rough bristles like whiskers to tickle me. As I giggled happily.

Then I got older, and I got heavier... Dad couldn't lift me up anymore. But...

Dad would accompany me to the clinics or hospital for check ups.

Drove me home after my gastro-scopy, when the effect of the anesthesia was particularly rough on me since I was overworked then.

Picked me up when I had my minor surgery. (Mom came to drop by after the surgery, and irritated the doctors when she tried to look at the wound, then went back to work lol)

Walked slowly by my side when I injured my feet and couldn't walk fast in Gold Coast.

Stayed with me when I hurt my back in Australia.

Dad sometimes says things crudely, and they may be hurtful sometimes, but I know he just doesn't know how to express himself, and sometimes we both fight, since we are both so stubborn.

But like mom, dad has always been there, in his own way.

And as I keep crying here 5000 miles away, over my loss, crying with sis, and sometimes with mom, I was just wondering, has someone checked with dad, how he is?

I remember back in 2009, when I was still chambering lol (Shane told me, "go home!" even though it was only 4.30pm, he will cover for me, besides it was only an hour till the end of official work hours..), when dad got robbed in front of the house, he complained that instinctively, he protected Baby, but after that he was complaining to me, "Where got owner protect dog wan?! Should be the other way round!" lol

You know, dad was home everyday with Baby the most since he's retired. And I'm sure he is upset or lonely, but he's probably being strong cause he has to deal with all the crying women around him. lol

So please remember to comfort dad too yea :)

Both of them napping together, lol

-sunz-

Nightmares

Nightmares are just bad dreams,

And like all dreams, 

When you wake up,

They remain as dreams.

Someone please wake me up from this nightmare. 

-サヤカ-

Thinking back, sometimes when we slept, you'd make little whining noises and your hands would twitch a  little. Was that a bad dream or was that the beginning of your seizures? I guess we will never know now...

***

Hi Baby,

I woke up this morning with the thought, that you are really not here anymore. It isn't the first time that I had woken up with such thoughts. 

Thinking: "Please let me know that you are still back home waiting for me." 

It's so surreal here 5000 miles away from home, that sometimes, just sometimes I can pretend that you are still there. 

Yet every time I FaceTime with home, I'm met with that harsh reality. And not for the first time, I had the thought, that if this is a nightmare, someone please wake me up from this. Please save me from this cruel reality. 

-sunz-

I heard your bell, did you come to me, because I can't come to you?

A different colour admist the blues.. lol

Haha, me bullying you again :p

Breeze

As the wind blew past,

It whispered gently into your ears,

For the first time,

But definitely not the last.

-サヤカ-

I remember when we first got you, that I was so overprotective, that I wouldn't even let your feet touch the grass outside. 

Well I blame the then neighbour's dogs for that though, since their dogs were not very well kept and had an outbreak of fleas from time to time. 

I remembered that sometimes when I was hanging the laundry out or collecting the clothes, I'd put you on the wall between the other neighbour and our house. Keeping a very close watch on you, because the wall was really very high for one as small as you. 

And for the first time you could enjoy the sunlight and the wind.

***

Hi Baby :)

I had a very tiring day today. I went up to Osaka to meet the high school friend of my ex colleague (whom I'm still quite close with). 

It's really a small world, we found each other on and online dating application, saw that we had a number of common friends, and decided to friend each other, and started chatting. 

So today I met up with him, got introduced to his friends, played badminton, went for a hot spring bath, chilled a little then headed to Nanba for Singaporean food for dinner. 

I just got home, and am dead tired, so I don't actually have much to write. What I can say is that I had a good day. Though it's getting colder now. 

But I still missed you, and I didn't cry today.

Much love,

-sunz-

Across

As I stand here,

Across the street,

Time trickles by,

The seconds moves past,

The crowd blurs in a flurry,

And like the corward that I am,

I turned tail and ran. 

-サヤカ-

When ever I see a pet store, or pet supplies; I had always loved checking it out. But though today I tried to check out pet supplies, I couldn't. And when I inadvertently appeared across the pet store, I just stared at it, debating if I should go in. 

I couldn't, so like the coward I am, I turned tail and left. 

However, speaking of pet shops, I remember how we tried to bring you to one every chance we got, and every time we showed you the puppies in the shop, you'd get scared and you actually pee-d a few times too. I actually panicked the first time, because I was didn't know what was wrong. 

Those puppies probably said some mean things to you eh? Like how we were going to leave you there with them. That's why I try not to bring you to them anymore. I was like a crazy parent you know? Showing her kid, those are puppies, but hey, you are one too! *Chuckles*

So when we don't show you the other puppies, you'd be happily exploring the shop. I still remembered how excited you got, trotting around the shop, you were adorable. 

Well everything you do is adorable to me, but that's besides the point.

I remember you checking out the aisles, sometimes sticking to us, sometimes venturing on your own, and we having to find each other. 

Those were the times.

***

Hi Baby,

I don't have much to write today. I've been feeling empty for a few days. But today was a bit better. 

Maybe because I started planning sis's itinerary for her visit here, and I'm getting busy preparing for my business trip next month. 

Good news is that I've been crying less. Because I know you wouldn't want me to cry everyday. So I try, and today I didn't cry at all. Although I felt the tears coming to my eyes when I saw some pet stuff, I managed to hold it off. But that's what you would want right? For me to continue on.  

You are defintely more generous than I am. Cause I thought that if I go, I definitely wanted you to follow me; but then again, all you had was me, so it would have been better if you went with me. But I digress. Back to today...

My heart beat so fast when I was faced with pet stuff and the pet shop. But today I actually checked out a calender decorated with dogs. So I guess I'm getting better. I didn't have the courage to enter a pet shop to see puppies yet though. I wasn't confident that I'd be able to enter one. I actually stood on the pavement across the pet shop, contemplating if I should go into the shop. 

But before the light turned green...

I thought; if I had to think that long, I probably shouldn't go in. I'm probably not ready yet. So I didn't cross that road, and just left.

I guess; we never fully recover from losing someone precious; I just have to learn to continue on without you. 

I'm still always thinking of you, but at least I don't cry, or cry as much anymore as I recall our fond memories together. 

Also, I added in some colour to my wadrobe today...

Much love 

-sunz-

Seven

Hello Sleepy Head :)

For me and for you,

1 Second is 7 Seconds;

1 Minute is 7 Minutes;

1 Hour is 7 Hours;

1 Day is 7 Days;

1 Month is 7 Months; and

1 Year is 7 Years.

-サヤカ-

They always say that one human year is seven dog years. Going by that logic, all human times are multiplied by seven for you. 

And you spent a lot of that time waiting; waiting for us to come home, waiting to go for your walks, waiting to get your food. Just waiting...

And 7 days has now passed since you ascended to the heavens. That's 49 days for you. Are you still waiting?

***

Hi Baby,

When it hit me today that it's been 7 days since the day you left, I wasn't really sure what to do, so I just cried.

It's been about a week. And I guess I might be a bit better? I don't know. Maybe I am. Because I know that you wouldn't want me to be upset forever. So I try. No matter how difficult it is for me. I am trying as promised.

So I was just randomly thinking, you spent so much time waiting. The wait always seemed so long for you, is that the reason why we always got such a warm reception from you when we got back? Because it felt like forever since we have seen each other? What feels like eternity to me, must have been eternity multiplied by 7 for you.

 I mean, if I could be super excited to see you after a week, which for you is 7 weeks, what about your level of excitement. So I thought, that was probably why your excitement was always 7 times mine right?

Watching videos of other dogs greeting their owners, all of them are always 7 times more excited than their owners. Just like how you were in these videos. Excited jumping, crying and licking.

It's dark and I had to video it myself, but we can see and hear your excitement well enough *Chuckles*

Every time we traveled I couldn't wait to come get you and would insist if it was possible for dad to let me pick you up the same day we arrive home.

We were that crazy huh?

Who wouldn't enjoy such a welcome as yours?

You gave the best "Welcome Home" greetings.

 Together with lots of licks.

I won't get that anymore, and I will dearly miss it.

But we never know, you may still be waiting for me. And when my time comes, we might probably meet again.

You will have to wait for me again, as I'm not sure how long that will take, and multiplied by seven for you as well.

We don't know what is on the other side, but I do hope that I get to see you again then.  And we can have a reunion as crazy as the ones we had before.

So Baby, it's another selfish request of mine, but will you wait for me?

It's been 7 days; I will try to shed the darkness and carry some colours tomorrow.


-sunz-

Haha the things I used to do to you :p

Music

As the piano tinkles,

You would sing along.

-サヤカ-

They say that dogs have sensitive ears, and unfamiliar pitches irritates your hearing, hence the reason dogs howl.

I'm not sure how much of that is true, but I remember, when you first started to hear me play the piano.

I was sitting at the piano, and you were by the door, I think.. or you were probably right outside the door?

My memories seem to tell me that it's the latter, but I digress.

Anyway as I played the piano then, you would prick your ears up, tilt your head a little. Raise your head and then howl.

Truth be told, I initially found it amusing, you looked so cute when you were howling. And the first few times you heard me play the piano, you would always do that.

However after that you got used to music.

And every time I played an instrument you would sit next to me, or next to my feet quietly. I even made you play the piano a little, much to your irritation. I still remember your expression then. *Chuckles*

In the beginning you would even sleep where the pedals were and I had to move you to play the piano, or if I was playing the guitar, you always sat on my sheet music, making it difficult for me to read the chords and what I should play next. *Chuckles* Those were the days.

But now... I won't get those moments anymore will I? Who now will listen to me as I play music and keep me company?

: The only time I video-ed myself on a musical instrument, and there you were, sitting on my music notes, lol :
Song: 太陽の歌・タイヨウノウタ
By: Sawajiri Erika from the TV Show/Movie : タイヨウノウタ・太陽の歌 (Song of the Sun)
This video has been shared before on this blog, I had learnt the guitar for a month when this video was made. 

***

Hi Baby,

Do you remember The last song I sang to you? You were already unwell then, with water in your lungs, difficulty breathing and all.

I didn't choose a random song to sing; I sang this song on purpose to you twice.

You probably don't understand Japanese, so I've translated the lyrics into English.

I leave it to express my then unsaid words.

Song Title: Promise
Sang By: 前田玲奈 / Maeda Rena
(Character: Nike Lemercier / ニケ・ルメルシエ )
From the Anime: それでも世界は美しい / Soredemo sekai ha utsukushii / Even so the world is beautiful

English Translation:

I'm thinking of you,
Tonight,
I want to throw everything away,
I want to see you,
I want to see you,
I can't sleep as I search for your warmth.

Even though we are far apart,
We are always looking up at the same sky.
I really want to be by your side.

But now, I feel like breaking,
Swallowing my sighs, my chest hurts.
Do you feel the same?
We are not alone right?

Please believe as we ride Destiny,
To capture both our futures,
I now know what kind of memories
I must embrace at night,
And when the morning comes,
I will smile again,
I will promise to hold on to tomorrow.

It's okay,
I won't be tricked by
that small and weak voice,
I will pretend to not hear it,
Because I will be by your side.

But now, If I seem broken,
Please don't let go of this hand,
Please don't look away,
Let's continue walking at this pace,
Because we are not alone.

I believe in the story that you chose,
And whatever comes from now on,
We will smile together and be strong,
No matter what happens
we won't forget the memories,
And when morning comes,
New memories will come again,
I will promise on our never-ending bond.

Please believe and ride Destiny,
To capture both our futures,
I now know what kind of memories
I must embrace at night,
And when the morning comes,
I will smile again,
I will promise to hold on to tomorrow.

Romanised lyrics / Romaji

Anata o omou yoru subete nagedashite demo
Aitakute aitakute
Nemurezu ni nukumori sagashiteru

Tooku hanarete temo itsu datte
Onnaji sora o miageterun dakedo
Honto wa ne soba ni ite hoshii no

Dakedo ima kujikesou dayo
Nomikomu tameiki de mune ga itai yo
Anata mo onaji kimochi de iru kana
Hitori janain dayo ne?

Shinjitemite norikoerareru destiny
Futari no mirai tsukamu tame ni
Ima ga aru to shitteru kara
Donna yoru mo dakishimeteru yo memories
Asa ga kuru made ni mata egao ni nareru yone
Tsunagu ashita o I will promise

Sukoshi yowaki na koe gomakasanakute ii yo
Kikoenai furi o shite
Soba ni iteageru ne

Dakedo ima kujikesou nara
Kono te o hanasanaide me o sorasanaide
Onaji hohaba de aruiteyukitai
Hitori janain dakara

Shinjiteru yo anata ga erabu story
Kore kara saki ni nani ga atte mo
Warai aeru tsuyosa ni naru
Donna toki mo wasurenaide ne memories
Asa ni nareba mata atarashii koto fueru yo ne
Towa no kizuna o I will promise

Shinjitemite norikoerareru destiny
Futari no mirai tsukamu tame ni
Ima ga aru to shitteru kara
Donna yoru mo dakishimeteru yo memories
Asa ga kuru made ni mada egao ni nareru yo ne
Tsunagu ashita o I will promise

Kanji lyrics / 漢字

あなたを想う 夜 全て投げ出してでも
逢いたくて 逢いたくて
眠れずに 温もり探してる

遠く離れてても いつだって
おんなじ空を 見上げてるんだけど
ホントはね 側にいて欲しいの

だけど今 挫けそうだよ
飲み込む溜息で 胸が痛いよ
あなたも同じ気持ちでいるかな
一人じゃないんだよね?

信じてみて 乗り越えられる Destiny
二人の未来 掴むために
今があると知ってるから
どんな夜も 抱き締めてるよ Memories
朝が来るまでに また笑顔になれるよね
繋ぐ明日を I will promise

少し弱気な 声 ごまかさなくていいよ
聞こえない 振りをして
側にいてあげるね

だけど今 挫けそうなら
この手を離さないで 目をそらさないで
同じ歩幅で歩いてゆきたい
一人じゃないんだから

信じてるよあなたが選ぶStory
これから先に 何があっても
笑い合える強さになる
どんな時も 忘れないでね Memories
朝になればまた新しい事 増えるよね
永遠(とわ)の絆を I will promise

信じてみて 乗り越えられる Destiny
二人の未来 掴むために
今があると知ってるから
どんな夜も 抱き締めてるよ Memories
朝が来るまでに また笑顔になれるよね
繋ぐ明日を I will promise

-sunz-

Run, Baby Run!

If Speedy Gonzales could give you a run for his money,

He would.

-サヤカ-

--

For some reason or another, or maybe it's your breed; but you loved to run.

And run you did, though you were limited to the space inside our house. Which should have seemed quite big for the little you.

When we first got you, you would play tag with us, running around the house. Unfortunately, at one point, being the little pint sized creature you are, mishaps happened, and I remember accidentally kicking you during one of our games of tag.

Hello, sleepy head.

Brother and I were playing with you, when you suddenly ran out in front of me as I was running. Bad timing and all occurred, and I ended up accidentally kicking you, you flew a little and rolled over. Brother and I panicked, but you seemed okay.

Ever since then, neither of us played tag with each other anymore. Who knew it could turn out to be such a dangerous game.

But even though we never played tag anymore, sometimes when you got over excited or when you had too much energy in that little body of yours, you would take off running from the front to the back of the house and vice versa again and again.

Ears flat down, body curved, running as if your life depended on it.

Run, Baby, run!


***

Hi Baby,

I guess today was better, since my chest and stomach felt a little better this morning.

Although I felt a little suffocated, and there's no haze in Japan lol. So we can't blame the haze.

But today we had nice weather, and after my Japanese class, I decided to have a late lunch outside on the campus where I have my classes every week.

Enjoying the view overlooking the Osaka Bay, and the gentle breeze whilst listening to Pachelbel's Cannon in D. Thinking of you.

Could you feel this as well, Baby?

Did you feel what I felt then?


-sunz-

Name

What's in a name?

A rose by any name still smells as sweet.

A common phrase usually heard.

With your coat a beautiful reddish brown,

Like the colour of autumn leaves,

Aki (秋), was the name I hoped for you,


But you ended up with the name of your fellow companion,

From non other than a comic strip. 

-サヤカ-

--

I remember when we knew that we were supposed to get you, brother and I decided to think of names which would be appropriate for you. The initial plan was that you were going to be brother's dog though, although as we all know fate decided things differently for us, but I digress. 

Back to your name. I admittedly do not have the best naming sense in the world. My favourite teddy's name was "pop pop". 

I mean, like wherever did that name come from?!! What possessed me??!! Maybe that name came from that little firework thing we usually play during Chinese new year? @_@'

My first laptop which was a white ibook, was called shiro chan (i.e. 'little white' in English), my blue flip phone was Aoi chan (i.e. little blue). You get my drift.

But you had a beautiful coat of fur, the colour of autumn leaves, reddish brown, so I thought to call you Aki, which means autumn, 秋 in Japanese. (A huge improvement? At least I didn't think to call you brownie or little brown or something, lol)

Your colour was different than the local breeds of your kind since your parents hailed from the Americas. 

Look! Such a brilliant colour!

Look at the colour of that fur!

Brother disagreed though, afraid that your name would become Chinese-fied and that relatives would call you "Ah Kit" instead of "Aki". I couldn't disagree with him.

Then somehow, brother settled on your name Roscoe, from the comic strip Pickles.

Well, the name rang well, so we decided to use "Roscoe", and there you have it. 

Brother named you, just as I had a hand in naming his son later on. The world is round. (lol)

But getting named Roscoe... That was merely the beginning of your names.

Of course being part of the family, you had to carry the family name. So your proper name?

Roscoe Cheong

But we all had Chinese names, what was yours? 

We couldn't think of one appropriate for you, but we always jokingly called you Cheong Bat Gau (Cantonese for 張八狗). 

Since you were always so curious and tended to poke your nose into everything, literally. Basically it was a play on words that you were a  "busybody dog", lol. 

We rarely used this so called chinese name of yours though. Then one day, something amusing happened. 

This was a popular song in 2004:

Artist: 王力宏/Wang Lee Hom's Song

Song title: 唯一 / Wei Yi, which roughly translates to "My one and only".

Now sister and I aren't Chinese educated, and we aren't very good with Chinese (At least I'm not). And to be frank, the only line in the song that I knew was "Baby, 你就是我的唯一" in pin yin it reads as "Baby, ni jiu shi wo de wei yi" i.e. "Baby you are my only one".

We used to only sing this one line out loud with the music when it played, and sometimes we just sang that one line randomly without any music.

I think a number of times, we looked at you when singing this. 

One day when I was singing that one line:

Baby~~ ni jiu.....

(I think because "baby" is the only English word used in the lyrics, we usually dragged it out)

There was a jingle of bells, I looked down, and there you were looking at me, like you were saying "you called?".

We had accidentally christened you "baby" because we kept singing this one line. That was funny.

The only line that we knew from this song. And you probably picked up the only English word that we sang out.

Somehow from then on, you were "Baby."

So Baby Roscoe Cheong Bat Gau, you became.

Somehow you didn't get confused, you knew that both "Baby" and "Roscoe" was referring to you. And when we called you "Roscoe Cheong", you knew you were in deep trouble.

I think that was very amazing of you.

***

Hi Baby,

This morning I woke up with that unsettled feeling in my chest and stomach again, it wasn't as strong as the last few days, and I took mom's advice to take a few deep breaths.

I did, and it helped a lot. I only teared a little. I don't know if it was because I had to rush a little to get to work since I had to teach today, and maybe that was what held back the tears. So I didn't really cry that much today.

But somehow I feel guilty that I didn't end up crying like how I have the past few days.

Weird. But I guess this is what you wanted too right?

For me to stop crying like it's the end of the world everyday. That my pain hopefully lessens. To get out of this depression.

I think that maybe,  I cry less everyday, is that good?

I feel a little guilty; but I can't keep crying for your forever right?

I feel empty, and don't know what to do with myself right now...

-sunz-

Home

Some people say that good things always come in threes.

21 June 2009 : Friends gave me baby clothes for my birthday,
so Baby became a model :)

The famous saying that three is a charm,

Probably rings true for us. 

The third time we met,

Was when your little feet touched the floor of your new home.

We might have been both a little nervous then,

But when droopy ears, with expressive round eyes met,

The excited, beaming eyes of a 16 year-old teenage girl.

Somehow we knew then.

That we were home.  

-サヤカ-

Sis just reminded me of the second time we met, the time when you worked your charm on dad, and got him to say that magical "yes".

I remember that day, when we were surprised to see you there. We really thought that we would never get to see you again.

And somehow we ended up bonding that day, by playing together and napping together. The three of us.

Much to the chagrin of your cousin, Rocky. Who grew a little jealous. He was a good big brother to you though. 

We had specific instructions not to let you on the furniture, yet sis and I could not help but sneak you onto the bed to nap with us. But I guess after 13 years the cat's out of the bag. *chuckles*

It felt so right to have you by our side, like it was only natural that we stick together. 

You were so small and adorable, with big round eyes, and I remember how you curled up in the palm of my hand. 

A perfect fit. 

What surprised us the most was, when sis and I went out for ice cream, only to come back to see you waiting for us. 

Sitting at the door, staring out. Perking up when you saw us return.

A happy dance followed after.

A habit that begun then, and lasted you 13 years. 

You won us both over then.

That was the catalyst for your growing number of adoring fans.

From the number one, your number became three.

As we stood by the side, watching you overcome your first obstacle. 

We knew then, the three of us,

That we were in this together.

Thank you for waiting for us that day baby.

***

Hi Baby,

I'm starting to wonder, when I will be able to wake up in the mornings without crying. When will it get easier for me?

I guess any days where I don't break down in hysteria can be considered a good day. And I've only fully broken down on day 1 & day 2 so far. I guess that's an improvement?

I mean, my rational mind seems to be able to understand what is going on, but my subconscious refuses to accept this fact.

Every morning since you left, I've been waking up with a weird, compressed feeling in my stomach and chest, which seems to be only relieved if I cry. (It kind of feels like my gastric is acting up. So I'm eating my gastric medication now...)

I wake up with tears in my eyes, was I thinking of you even when I slept? I wonder.

While it's difficult for my family to watch me in this condition, and it may be tiring for them, that all I do is cry non stop; but I think the fact that I'm alone here, 5000 miles away is one crucial factor, besides the point that I was absent for the last 6 months of your life, nor was I by your side when you left.

It's very difficult for me, any little thing that reminds me of you - of this situation sets me off.

Like, I was working and heard this song on my playlist (Taylor Swift's Breathe), and I guess the lyrics expresses how I feel exactly now. Especially the chorus. And I cried again. Because it's so true, I have to breathe even without you, because I have to.

(There were a few other songs I had to skip, because the lyrics started my tear ducts too. Like Lord of Ring's May it be)

I know.

I know that I should stop blaming myself for not being there. 

I know that I can't continue crying everyday.

I know.

But it isn't easy. I am trying. I really am.

And especially after my "twin sis", Bi sent me the picture below, on day 2.

That picture, made me realise. If I'm blaming myself, I guess you would be too. But you did try so hard to wait for me, I know. I was with you virtually everyday. And I know that will power can only get us so far.

So that's why, I'm trying to get over that feeling. I'm really trying. My rational mind rationalizes that in situations like this, no one is to blame. No one need feel guilty.

So sis should also start to try to let go of her feelings of guilt.

The only reason we made you hold on for so long, throughout the pain you were suffering was only because of the selfish reason that I wasn't by your side.

So if we were to blame anyone, the blame lies fully with me.

Because if I was by your side, I would have let you go.

I would have told you, "It's okay, you did well, you can go now." I was actually thinking those words here in Japan. Because I guess I knew. I probably knew deep inside that you couldn't hold on.

On Wednesday night I was overcome by an unsettled feeling, and on Thursday I posted Seal.

Sometimes I ask myself, why did I turn off my WiFi? (I have to turn it off every time I charge my iPhone and iPad). That is my bane. If I didn't I could probably have been there virtually during your last moments.

Although sis thinks it's lucky that I didn't get to see you at your last moment. I don't know what to think. Those are contained in the can of "what ifs" & "should haves" which we will probably never get to open.

While I regret not being able to say those words that I wanted to, regret not being able to touch you one last time, to kiss you one last time; there is nothing we can do about it now. All I can do is keep you close by me in my heart.

This is all my rational mind speaking, and I can feel my emotional side disagreeing already.

How do we go on then? When will this war within myself ever stop?

I really don't mean to be a snob, and to snub everyone off, I mean everyone back home loved you too, and it may be presumptuous of me to believe that out of everybody I loved you the most, and they can't beat my love for you. I really think that way. But...

This isn't a competition, yet I can't help feeling this way, because I feel like they don't understand how I really feel; not many people probably would. 

I think only other pet owners and parents who have lost their children would understand. 

Because that was essentially what you were to me. You were like my child, that I carefully loved and raised for 13 years. 

Even though I knew that this "motherhood" had an "expiry date",  it didn't stop me from loving you to the fullest. (I even got a little jealous sometimes when you stuck to mom instead of me, and mom snobbishly said it's cause she is a "real" mother with 3 kids, so of course you would choose her. Mom is so crafty sometimes, lol.)

Bottom-line, I think mothers in the world can somehow understand what I feel, if they imagine their kid going off to another world.

Yet they carry on, as I must.

As we all must.

I can't wait for you to come to me in December.  Till then.


-sunz-