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Some people say that good things always come in threes.

21 June 2009 : Friends gave me baby clothes for my birthday,
so Baby became a model :)

The famous saying that three is a charm,

Probably rings true for us. 

The third time we met,

Was when your little feet touched the floor of your new home.

We might have been both a little nervous then,

But when droopy ears, with expressive round eyes met,

The excited, beaming eyes of a 16 year-old teenage girl.

Somehow we knew then.

That we were home.  

-サヤカ-

Sis just reminded me of the second time we met, the time when you worked your charm on dad, and got him to say that magical "yes".

I remember that day, when we were surprised to see you there. We really thought that we would never get to see you again.

And somehow we ended up bonding that day, by playing together and napping together. The three of us.

Much to the chagrin of your cousin, Rocky. Who grew a little jealous. He was a good big brother to you though. 

We had specific instructions not to let you on the furniture, yet sis and I could not help but sneak you onto the bed to nap with us. But I guess after 13 years the cat's out of the bag. *chuckles*

It felt so right to have you by our side, like it was only natural that we stick together. 

You were so small and adorable, with big round eyes, and I remember how you curled up in the palm of my hand. 

A perfect fit. 

What surprised us the most was, when sis and I went out for ice cream, only to come back to see you waiting for us. 

Sitting at the door, staring out. Perking up when you saw us return.

A happy dance followed after.

A habit that begun then, and lasted you 13 years. 

You won us both over then.

That was the catalyst for your growing number of adoring fans.

From the number one, your number became three.

As we stood by the side, watching you overcome your first obstacle. 

We knew then, the three of us,

That we were in this together.

Thank you for waiting for us that day baby.

***

Hi Baby,

I'm starting to wonder, when I will be able to wake up in the mornings without crying. When will it get easier for me?

I guess any days where I don't break down in hysteria can be considered a good day. And I've only fully broken down on day 1 & day 2 so far. I guess that's an improvement?

I mean, my rational mind seems to be able to understand what is going on, but my subconscious refuses to accept this fact.

Every morning since you left, I've been waking up with a weird, compressed feeling in my stomach and chest, which seems to be only relieved if I cry. (It kind of feels like my gastric is acting up. So I'm eating my gastric medication now...)

I wake up with tears in my eyes, was I thinking of you even when I slept? I wonder.

While it's difficult for my family to watch me in this condition, and it may be tiring for them, that all I do is cry non stop; but I think the fact that I'm alone here, 5000 miles away is one crucial factor, besides the point that I was absent for the last 6 months of your life, nor was I by your side when you left.

It's very difficult for me, any little thing that reminds me of you - of this situation sets me off.

Like, I was working and heard this song on my playlist (Taylor Swift's Breathe), and I guess the lyrics expresses how I feel exactly now. Especially the chorus. And I cried again. Because it's so true, I have to breathe even without you, because I have to.

(There were a few other songs I had to skip, because the lyrics started my tear ducts too. Like Lord of Ring's May it be)

I know.

I know that I should stop blaming myself for not being there. 

I know that I can't continue crying everyday.

I know.

But it isn't easy. I am trying. I really am.

And especially after my "twin sis", Bi sent me the picture below, on day 2.

That picture, made me realise. If I'm blaming myself, I guess you would be too. But you did try so hard to wait for me, I know. I was with you virtually everyday. And I know that will power can only get us so far.

So that's why, I'm trying to get over that feeling. I'm really trying. My rational mind rationalizes that in situations like this, no one is to blame. No one need feel guilty.

So sis should also start to try to let go of her feelings of guilt.

The only reason we made you hold on for so long, throughout the pain you were suffering was only because of the selfish reason that I wasn't by your side.

So if we were to blame anyone, the blame lies fully with me.

Because if I was by your side, I would have let you go.

I would have told you, "It's okay, you did well, you can go now." I was actually thinking those words here in Japan. Because I guess I knew. I probably knew deep inside that you couldn't hold on.

On Wednesday night I was overcome by an unsettled feeling, and on Thursday I posted Seal.

Sometimes I ask myself, why did I turn off my WiFi? (I have to turn it off every time I charge my iPhone and iPad). That is my bane. If I didn't I could probably have been there virtually during your last moments.

Although sis thinks it's lucky that I didn't get to see you at your last moment. I don't know what to think. Those are contained in the can of "what ifs" & "should haves" which we will probably never get to open.

While I regret not being able to say those words that I wanted to, regret not being able to touch you one last time, to kiss you one last time; there is nothing we can do about it now. All I can do is keep you close by me in my heart.

This is all my rational mind speaking, and I can feel my emotional side disagreeing already.

How do we go on then? When will this war within myself ever stop?

I really don't mean to be a snob, and to snub everyone off, I mean everyone back home loved you too, and it may be presumptuous of me to believe that out of everybody I loved you the most, and they can't beat my love for you. I really think that way. But...

This isn't a competition, yet I can't help feeling this way, because I feel like they don't understand how I really feel; not many people probably would. 

I think only other pet owners and parents who have lost their children would understand. 

Because that was essentially what you were to me. You were like my child, that I carefully loved and raised for 13 years. 

Even though I knew that this "motherhood" had an "expiry date",  it didn't stop me from loving you to the fullest. (I even got a little jealous sometimes when you stuck to mom instead of me, and mom snobbishly said it's cause she is a "real" mother with 3 kids, so of course you would choose her. Mom is so crafty sometimes, lol.)

Bottom-line, I think mothers in the world can somehow understand what I feel, if they imagine their kid going off to another world.

Yet they carry on, as I must.

As we all must.

I can't wait for you to come to me in December.  Till then.


-sunz-