Is this punishment?

I want to see you so much, I hope as much as you want to see me too. 

And though I search for you in my dreams you never come. 

I miss you so, so much.

And I wished everyday that I could dream of you,

and I guess Kami sama was kind..

I was allowed to meet you, although only twice.. 

The first to let me know that you were hungry. I just knew in that dream that you were telling me that you were hungry. 

And the second time, that you were waiting for me to come home. Even though you had others around you, but you were ignoring them and dolefully waiting. (or you were probably upset when mom and dad took out those luggage bags of theirs to pack for their trip here lol)

It's just a few more weeks baby, I'm sorry that you have to keep waiting, but I'm coming home soon ok? 

I'm coming home soon to you. 

-sunz- 

"He wouldn't want you to be like this."

"I'm sure he wants you to be happy."

How on earth would they know what you wanted??!

You could not speak in a language that they understand, and most of them had hardly spent any time with you. How would they know what you want??!

Even I who have been. By your side the longest wouldn't know what you want, what do you want me to do at this point? 

To stop crying?

To stop thinking too much?

I do know that in our 13 years together, that what you wanted then was lots of cuddles.

For us to always be together. 

To go for lots of walks. 

And that you missed me terribly every time I was away, as I missed you as well. 

That you would cry every time you heard my voice when I called home because you missed me. 

That you would wait by the door, looking out waiting for me to come home, because you missed me. 

That when ever you are in pain, i would be there to comfort you. 

What you wanted was for me to be there those last 2 weeks.

For me to cuddle you, calm you and tell you that it was all ok.

To be by your side during that last moments. 

And to continue being together with you. 

That's what you wanted.

And what do I want? 

I want to hold you again. 

I wanted to spend your last year with you

I wanted to care for you during those 2 weeks.

I wanted to be there when you went. 

And then I just get so angry, angry at you, angry at myself, angry at the world everything. 

Of all the years, why last year??!! Why when I wasn't there? We had so many years, why did it have to be last year!!!!!

-sunz-

I wish that you will never leave me.

No matter how unbearable,

I was to you, 

Or you to me. 

I can't live alone. 

I am weak. 

I am not as strong, 

As you think me to be. 

If you leave me, 

I will crumble and fall.

Into a million pieces. 

Shattered, 

Probably beyond repair. 

But it's envitable. 

There will come a day, 

Where we must leave. 

And I must learn,

Learn to go on. 

Even if I'm alone, 

So...

Before you go,

Write me a letter. 

Tell me it's ok. 

Tell me goodbye, 

But tell me also,

That you are not,

Leaving me behind. 

That you are just waiting, 

For me at the other end. 

Tell me that it's ok to go on. 

That I will be happy, 

Even without you. 

That my tears will soon dry. 

And my smile will return. 

That life must go on. 

Write me a letter. 

To let me hold on to you. 

For just a little bit longer. 

Till the day I can let go comes. 

Till the day I can go on by myself returns. 

-サヤカ-

It's a pity but my wish will never come true, no matter how hard I wished, no matter what I could give in exchange, but if wishes could come true, I would wish upon a thousand shooting stars just to be with you again.

********

When you left, the world ended, but at the same time it did not end. 

It was and still is difficult to continue without you. 

But as my downcast eyes which watched my tears fall to the ground looked up to the stars, I saw that the flowers had come. 

"Cry, Heart, but never break. Let your tears of grief and sadness help begin new life". 

-Glenn Ringtved- (translated from Danish into English by Robert Moulthrop)

-sunz-

Words have failed me.

My thoughts are disarrayed.

All I know is

That it hurts,

That I cannot breathe.

All I know is

That I want to cry.

I want to cry till the river runs dry.

I want to cry till day turns to dusk.

Till I grow blind,

Till my voice goes husk and disappears.

Will this pain then elevate?

Even a little?

It hurts.

It hurts.

If it hurts to see me cry,

Then it’s simple,

Don’t look.

If it hurts to hear me cry,

Then its simple,

Don’t listen.

If it hurts for you to stay away,

It’s fine,

I will do it for you.

I want to be left alone,

I need to be left alone,

Yet when I call,

I want you to drop everything and come running.

I don’t need you to say anything.

Don’t tell me everything is ok.

Because it’s not ok.

Don’t tell me you understand.

Because you don’t understand.

Don’t tell me to get over it.

Because I may never get over it,

And I don’t want to get over it.

Don’t talk.

Just sit beside me.

Silence is the best.

If I want to talk,

I will talk.

If I want to be silent,

Let me be silent.

Yes, I’m being selfish.

But can’t I be selfish?

Just this once?

Just this once in my life,

When I’ve lost something so precious?

Something that can never come back to me?

Something that I’ve loved so much,

For at least half my life.

Something that helped make my heart whole.

And yet,

How cruelly,

Extremely cruelly,

Was I denied the chance:

The chance to be by his side,

Not even to comfort him,

To tell him it’s okay now,

To tell him ‘You did well’

To tell him ‘That it’s ok now’

Not even for a final send off,

Not even to say goodbye,

Not even to touch him one last time,

Not even to keep a promise made years ago.

I left a little warm body,

A little waggly tail,

Sad eyes telling me not to go,

‘Stay with me’ He said.

How dearly I wanted to stay with you,

How dearly I so wanted to bring you with me,

At least to the airport that one final time,

I wanted to cuddle you more,

I wanted to spend more time with you.

Who would have known that would be the last time,

The last time I saw those soulful eyes,

The last time I touched that little warm body,

The last time I could kiss that little forehead,

The last time I could inhale his unique scent.

And come home to nothingness,

No excited cries of happiness,

No waggly tail,

No squirming excited little body.

No warmth of that little body,

All that was left was

Tears and heartache.

Ashes and dust.

Retuning home to everything boxed up.

Was probably a mistake I shouldn’t have made.

In thinking about the pain of others,

I said go ahead and box it up.

It may have helped with the pain for others,

But in the end,

It seems that mine became worse.

Your presence all erased,

As if you were never there before.

As if this 13 years never happened.

My eyes searched,

But it searched in vain.

Searched of traces for you.

But I’m left with nothingness.

The corner where your treats was,

Gone.

The corner where your water and food bowl was,

Gone.

The corner where your bed and towel was,

Gone.

Your pillow by my bed.

Gone.

Your toys scattered on the floor.

Gone.

All that’s left is

Just cold metal and dust.

And just as how you fit snugly,

Right into the palm of my hand

When you came into this world.

What you left behind does the same.

And it hurts.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I understand the power of grief oh so well now,

Why one is advised not to make drastic decisions.

Your thoughts just go crazy,

It goes round in a never-ending merry go around,

Filled with the ‘what ifs,’

Your feelings are numb,

And it’s so easy to discard things now.

Everything can be discarded now.

They are unneeded.

There is no more need for sentiments.

You think back to the people around you.

Whether they have been there for you.

What have they done for you in the past.

What have they done for you now?

Some have done a little.

It’s not enough.

Some have done nothing

They have done nothing.

Some are doing too much,

That it’s suffocating.

And you think crazy things like severing ties.

Like making sure everyone blames them if something happens.

Like throwing away everything.

The papers, the books, the clothes, anything you can reach.

Like running away to the ends of the earth.

Never coming back.

To leave everything and everyone behind.

Then your rationality comes back,

And you think it’s crazy.

But after a while,

When every thing builds up again,

The cycle repeats itself,

Just as how the horses on the merry go round,

Goes round and round in a never-ending circle,

So does your crazy thoughts.

And you just think,

And you just wait,

In the end,

All you are trying to do is,

Anticipate a trigger

One that will let you go,

Let you go as crazy as you want.

And your rational mind,

Hopes beyond hope,

That there is someone who can stop you,

If that time ever comes.

And now, tonight,

May my tears accompany you,

As it has done so,

Night after night

Since you left this cruel world.


-sunz-