The pitter patter of little dancing feet

Dance with me baby

-サヤカ-

You know what i realized? In most of my pictures you are sleeping. 

I guess you take after me. You love to sleep. Probably a habit you picked up from me since that's what we seemed a to do most of the time. Lol

You really sleep a lot huh?

***

Hi Baby,

Another day gone past. I was a kind of irritable today as I went into work mode today. 

But otherwise nothing much. Just staying  occupied with work and planning where to go next. Since I have friends coming over this Friday. 

-sunz-

The world continues as it is.

As I try my best to follow along. 

-サヤカ-

I some how suddenly thought of toilets today. And it reminded me of how I toilet trained you.

You were smart, in just 3 days I managed to toilet train you. 

Probably you understood the concept due to your short time in Bentong, and probably Rocky did teach you a little? 

Anyway I read in the book that whenever you had to go, you would go round in circles. 

I always had my eyes peeled for that tell tale sign. 

We would be playing halfway and you would suddenly turn around in circles. 

Most times I managed to get you to the toilet in time. 

But one time stood out to me. 

I remembered it because for some reason I couldn't get you to the toilet in time and you were peeing as I carried you to toilet. Leaving a trail behind haha. 

Another fond memory today :)

***

Hi Baby, 

Today was a sociable day. I went bouldering (which is kind of like rock climbing) with my Malaysian friends and had dinner with my Japanese friends. 

Nothing much special happened, and nothing seemed different as the world continues to spin on its axis.

Some pictures of me attempting to climb: 

Well it was a bit like rock climbing. Lol

-sunz-

We never truly recover from a broken heart,

We just learn to hide it,

or to move on,

But sometimes you will still think of the "What ifs" or "I should haves",

However they are mere thoughts,

Nothing changes,

Your loved one isn't coming back.

-サヤカ-

As mentioned before I haven't really been cleaning since you left, and today was the first time I hovered since that day.

And As I hovered I remembered your first encounter with the vacumm back home. 

We hardly use it back home, usually we would sweep, since hovers tend to be really troublesome ten years ago. 

Ony recently did we get a nice new hover, and we use it more frequently. 

But even in the past when we used to hover, you would have a battle with the hover, which while you may not have been very entertained by, it was quite entertaining to us. lol

I will let the pictures do the talking 

You obviously did not like the hover at all. lol

***

Hi Baby,

I'm doing my best to have another productive day today. I cleaned/dusted a huge portion of the house, cleared up the plastic bag corner, sunned some blankets, vacummed the apartment and washed all the rugs in the house. 

Next few days are slotted to be sunny, so it's perfect for laundy. It's still cold as hell and I'm wearing 3 layers of heat tech lol.

Probably because I bawled yesterday, I feel okay today. 

I mean reality hasn't change, and it's not like you will come back, no matter what I do. 

I understand that, and on days like this, when I feel like I've moved on a little, when it feels like it doesn't hurt that much. I revel in that small victory.

-sunz-

Wake up to the bright morning,

The leaves outside has changed,

The Autumn colours pepper the hills,

A mixture of red and brown,

Just like you.

-サヤカ-

I was fixing the slide show on the blog and scrolled down a little and saw the post on us sleeping together.

And I laughed, remembering this one time where I was so tired, and you tried your best to wake me up to take you to the toilet.

You were using your hands and jumping a little to give you the momentum to tap on me.

But I was just too tired. It was like 6 something in the morning? I know that back in high school I used to wake up at 630 and we would let you out of of your cage to go to the toilet every morning around that time.

So I guess your toilet time didn't change initially.

And well because I couldn't wake up, and you were jumping on my head.

I guess you couldn't take it and lost control of your bladder.

You went right there on my pillow, well away from my head and it's still better than you wetting the bed.

But your face, I was of course shocked when I finally woke up, and got a sound scolding from dad, lol, but your face, was priceless.

You were like "I'm Sorrrrryyy~~ I can't hold it in anymore".

Well naturally since it wasn't your fault and you know it was wrong, you of course didn't get a scolding, but it's still a hilarious memory for me.

***

Hi Baby,

I still cry a little, here and there, while I can watch videos of big dogs, I can't watch videos involving small dogs. But that's an improvement right?

On Fridays I feel the saddest though, and today I cried quite a bit again.  It still hurts so much. And its so hard being alone here. You were there for almost half my life, you've all I known for that half of my life.

How do I move on? My eyes are tired and dry from all the crying, my chest hurts sometimes, and feels tired most of the time, my stomach acts up almost every week. What should I do to make this pain less?

I've tried to keep my schedule so busy that I'm hardly at home to cook or to clean now. The house is a mess! I actually can't stand it! (But I'm either too tired to clean, or do not have the mood.)

I try to spend my time finishing my work, or doing other things to distract me.  (I actually have quite a bit of work to do)

But its not helping much. I forget for a while only to have it come back at full blast later.

I asked mom last night, how do I move on? How did Ling Yi move on? Rocky's death was more sudden than yours.

Well I guess one compensation, is that you are not alone right? You are probably with Grandpa, Rocky and your mother now right?

-sunz-

The cold wind brushes past,

Winter is here. 

-サヤカ-

When you were cold, somehow I would know. 

Either you would give me that look on your face. Brows furrowed together with your puppy eye stare. 

More often than not your tell tale shivers would give you away. 

Or your cold nose and ears. 

And you would have that eager face whenever your shirt was brought out. 

Without me telling you to, you would put your head in, then each of your hand in turn... 

"Left hand"... "right hand"....

***

Hi Baby,

The days are so cold now that I'm seriously considering burrowing in a hole and hibernating. 

Today was another ok day I guess. Teared a little in the morning but not much. 

Had another busy day... But that's about it. 

-sunz-

Lotus

Sprouting from the waters of a murky pond,

Falling back into the water and returning again,

The symbolism is not lost on us,

As we watch the cycle repeat itself.

-サヤカ-

I've just finished up some work, and as I'm sitting here thinking what memory to share, maybe we will share a quick story on you being an escape artist?

I've already mentioned about you escaping from our gate, so maybe I will talk about what I heard from Ling Yi, when we let her baby sit you.

I wanted to share another story, one that brought a lot of laughter to me, but I'm not in the mood to share that story and will probably not do it justice.

So hence this story, which is just hearsay on my part.

When Ling Yi's dog, Rocky, you remember him right? You are probably with him now lol..

Anyway when Rocky ran out of dai yi's house and got killed by 4 German shepherds, she dared not take responsibility for the baby sitting of any of our dogs anymore, and we would sometimes leave you with grandma or with Ling Yi after that.

There was this one time we heard from Ling Yi that you snuck out through the gaps in her house gate, making her panic when she couldn't find you, she hunted around for you and she found you in the alley behind her house, where she would bring you for your walks.

You gave her a huge scare. Such a naughty boy.

So after that every time you stayed over, she would put this little plank on the gate to make sure you didn't get out.

You would stick to her when we were not around, but for some reason, every time after we picked you up, and we were leaving her house, you would bark so much at her.

Were you scolding her? or were you saying thank you? haha, guess we will never know.

***

Hi Baby,

I had another tiring and busy day, I'm starting to feel like there's too much to do and not enough time.

Partially one of the reasons I'm so busy is (besides my back logged work) because, I have a friend coming over next month before sis, Emily, and her friend Pinky. Don't ask me about the choice of name, lol.

And I have a lot of travel plans coming up.

Anyway while I was chatting with Emily on whatsapp last night, you came up, and she said, I should get another dog, learn to love another.

I don't think I will. I will love only you forever. I mean we picked each other. Just look back at how we met, I will never get the same connection with another dog that I had with you. Also I'm the kind that loves loyally, I guess (that's why I told mom she better live forever haha impossible request but still.. But anyway I digress...)

Anyway, Emily was like.. well you did well, choosing our family, and bringing us so much happiness, that in your next life you should be reborn as a human.

I told her, nah, I'd rather you be reborn as you were again, and that you get a family like ours again, a mummy like me again, and when your time to go comes again, that it would be better, more peaceful with your mummy by your side.

In Buddhism we believe in reincarnation, going to the other world to cross the bridge and be reincarnated.

Whatever it is, since I'm Buddhist. I guess in some sense I do believe in reincarnation..

And I hope that you won't get reincarnated so fast.

Wait for me on the other side, let's greet each other one last time, before we really have to go our separate ways.

At least let me say goodbye to you properly in the other world, since I didn't manage to say goodbye in this life.

-sunz- 

The winds rush past,

Pushing the clouds along,

In the clear blue sky,

Are you there,

Looking over me?

As how I watched the stars,

Looking for you.

-サヤカ-

Since we were speaking of the subject not too long ago, about the break in at our house, I guess, I will share that memory today.

I still remember that I was in college and sis was still working in Malaysia, for some reason that day, she had some time on her hand, and she picked me up for lunch since I've finished college. I can't remember what we ate that day, but it would probably have been Japanese.

Sis was the one that introduced me to Japanese food.

After lunch, we were joking and laughing and sis decided to drop me home before heading back to work I guess, but then she suddenly stopped laughing.

Cause she saw that the front door was open, and no one was supposed to be home.

She panicked first I guess, because I didn't see the door open till later.

And everything was so surreal after that. We had no weapons or what not and sis picked up a hanger, with me closely behind and entered the house.

We were so worried about you. So we bravely entered the house. The house was dark and all, and it felt like we were entering a horror house or something.

And we started to call out to you, once we felt like there was no one in the house but us (we were not sure bout upstairs though)

And somehow you knew and you started to bark (you usually never barked when we were looking for you around the house)

I guess you were scared too, and you were locked up behind the kitchen where we usually put you when we went out (before we renovated the house)

So we quickly went to retrieve you.

I guess you were slightly bruised at the side, seems it seemed to hurt you when we touched you there. But we were thankful that the thief did not kidnap you or kill you, or grievously hurt you at the very least. We were very thankful for that.

After that, we made sure that the house was secure, I guess sis called dad, and her work place, to tell them she wasn't coming back to work till a bit later. So she told me to get a friend to come over to accompany me, since she had to go back to work later.

I called Sin and Gene actually, but they were busy, and without out telling them the reason why, I was just like okay, nevermind.

Then I called Meng, and he took forever to arrive, the guy didn't think about taking a taxi from SS2 to our house and walked all the way lol.. real joker, guess he panicked as well. 

But at least there was someone there. After that our policemen arrived, and were useless...

I'm saying this because they touched the broken lock and everything without gloves, and they only had one finger print kit in the whole of PJU like what the hell.

That was also the day mom lost her jade, and she was so sad, but recently we replaced that :) It can't beat the old one, but at least, we finally found one we thought was perfect (we searched for a few years to find a similar one in vain, the one we finally bought was the closest we felt it could get.)

And that was that, the story of the break in, we were so scared and worried about you, but thankful you were fine, and ever since then, you'd bark at people with caps, or helmets, or dark skinned people (indians/malay people) that we suspected that the thief was either indian/malay and was wearing a cap.

You got traumatized then huh?

***

Hi Baby,

I was so tired from my trip to Takeda castle, that instead of taking a nap yesterday and waking up for dinner, I slept all the till midnight. Well I guess not sleeping for one night, took it's toll on me, I'm no longer young after all.

Anyway, I woke up around midnight, ate a little to settle my gastric, then went back to sleep till this morning.

Had a busy day today, teaching and going through with my colleague, James what I have to do at his class tomorrow.

So basically, I've had a really busy day...

Nothing much happened today. I teared a itty little bit this morning when I saw this post on facebook about 5 ways to tell if your dog loves you. Cause it reminded me that I had all 5. So could I say that you loved me back as much as I loved and still love you?

But otherwise, despite that itty bitty tearing, I supposed you could say... That I'm glad to say, that it seems like I can now watch videos of dogs.

Happy videos only mind you, but I guess that is a huge improvement from not being able to view any before previously.

-sunz-

Why do birds suddenly appear

Every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to be

Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky

Every time you walk by?

Just like me, they long to be

Close yo you

On the day that you were born the angels got together

and decided to create adream conetrue

So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair

Of gold and starlight in your eye of blue

That is why all the girls in town

Follow you

All around

Just like, they long to be

Close to you

On the day that you were born the angels got together

And decided to create a dream come true

So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair

Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town

Follow you

All around

Just like me, they long to be

Close to you

Justlike me, they long to be

Close to you

Song Title : Close to you

By the Carpenters

-サヤカ-

Lately random songs frequently come to mine, but I guess they aren't random after all if you look at the lyrics; they reflect how I feel. 

So I guess my subconscious must have memorised the lyrics of all these songs and are now replaying them in my mind. 

Today I guess I wanted to be close to you, so probably that's why I suddenly remembered this song.

Save for bathing day, we always wanted to be together, close to each other. (That's the day you would always avoid me, until after we have showered, or at least until I've showered haha)

That's why when I lazed around, you would always want to come lay by my side or near my feet.

You would push your way around to make space for yourself. Lol

When you were a baby I would always carried you, treating you like a real baby instead of a puppy, till dad got irritated and told me that you had legs. lol. How could I forget that?! lol

Well I didn't want to start any bad habits, so I tried to carry you less.

But over the last few years, you stuck close to me, always seeking my warmth, and always wanted me to carry you. Even when I was busy doing house chores or just getting a cup of water.

Whenever I had to carry you and try to single-handedly finish whatever I was doing, you would always have that contented look on your face, like you were so happy and secure to be carried in my arms. 

*** 

Hi Baby

I somehow am a little nuts lol or think I'm still young. I didn't sleep a wink on the night of 22 November. 

I took an trip overnight by car to the north of the Hyogo prefecture to go to Takeda castle. Which is famed for being the "castle in the sky". There was no castle, just the castle walls left though.

Where I proceeded to hike up a mountain  for about 30 minutes in 1 inch heel boots on the morning of 23 November. To be precise we started hiking around 345am. 

The crazy things I do. 

I got to enjoy the stars, probably saw a shooting star. And enjoyed feeling like I was in the sky. Though it was damn cold.

Humans love to romanticize things. And since I was in the "castle in the sky" near to the stars. 

Somehow I felt close to you. 

Don't have to climb mount KK for this view. Looks like the Banjaran titiwangsa no?

Yohei pointed out the sky to me. Looks so nice

I, who hated the cold, braved the cold winds blowing on top a mountain at 10 degrees to witness this. 

And I have to thank my new found friend Yohei for helping to drag little old no stamina me up the mountain, Lee for inviting me to this trip, and to a new found malaysian friend, Ling Fang for organising the trip.

 The castle is up there. Above the mist. 

-sunz-