Kioku = Memories

The shipment with my stuff finally arrived from the UK last week... :) yip yip hurray..

After almost 3 months....

wait.. i shipped it on the 11th of august.. and got it last week.. on the 17th.... or was it the 18th...of november.. so technically it isn't a week yet since my stuff came in.. but OMG.. took them that long.. took them 3 months and six days.... sigh... but oh well, it was considered cheap..... i guess.. =='

anyway... after procrastinating, not really procrastinating, but cause i was busy with classes and all.. so i finally have it fully unpacked now..

as i was unpacking, in a way, i felt like a small kid at christmas, seeing what i have in the box... and as i unpacked, memories came running back to me, as some things brought a smile on my face.. hahha

i sound like an old women, and i haven't even parted with those stuff that i shipped back for more than 3 months...

but seriously, now that i am back in malaysia, my time spent in the UK seems like a dream, i am slowly able to cross roads now by myself, though am still a little fearful sometimes.. and well.. i am falling back into the malaysian habits again..

it really felt like i've never left at all.. i sometimes feel like my memory is fake, like nothing of that sort ever really happened.. like i ve never experienced living in a foreign country on my own, never played in the snow, never went where i wanted, never had my freedom..

and then i had to stop myself to think, and to look around.. my room is surrounded with momentos of the past year, little souveniers from london, and europe.. now i know the importance of souveniers and pictures.. it's the proof to ourselves, so that we don't feel like all this is a lie..

but i don't understand why, i feel like everything is so fake.. i long quite a lot of times to go back, and i m sure it is obvious that i do, seeing that i compare this and that, but, in the end, i guess home is still the best place..

during my final months in london, my heart grew heavy, and i didn't, want to regret anything, i hate regretting, so i didn't want to regret leaving london, i therefore went to all the places that i wanted to go, but i still left a regret..

my only regret is leaving my friends behind, though we say it is a broadband world, how often do we chat online? the living person is still better than just staring at the screen..sigh, and it is so much more harder to catch them online.. because of the time difference, because everyone is busy...

but as i said to my sister, the day i left bridges hall; sometimes i feel that it is better if i never came to the UK, never met any of those people, never made friends with them, since leaving them now is so painful, but then again, for all the riches in the world, i would never have given up meeting them and being their friends, the fact that i can feel the pain and sadness of leaving them, means that i am still human, and that i have made some really good friends.

sometimes, things hurt us a lot, but at the same moment it teaches us to hope, from this pain i am learning to hope, though it hurts to be separated by friends who have become so close to you and also family, we hope to meet again someday..

i was once a person without hope, totally dry of hope, and almost without emotion, i only knew how to show my mask, the mask with the smiling face, i left no place for hope, i feel like i'm Aragon's mother.. (read lord of the rings..) where on her death bed she said, onen i-estel edain, u-chebin estel anim, meaning, i have gave hope to the Dunidien, i have kept no hope for myself..

but putting the point of being a mesochist aside, i think being hurt sometimes is good.. why do we fall down? to learn how to stand up again... there will be scars, and they may or may not fade over time, but at least with everything we learn something new, my time in UK was not a waste, i learnt more about myself there.. and for that i am grateful....

and ok.. moving on.. that sounded really angsty... and sorry to people who have been reading this for like the 3rd time? cause i keep editing as new things come to mind, and yes the reason why it seems like, i jumped here and there, is cause there was no intial planning on the writing for this, i just wrote as the thoughts came to my mind, and just added in stuff at places which i felt i missed out hahaha.. so anyway.. back to the point on my time in UK... i miss not only my friends but also.....

the weather there.. how many times have i said it haha, even before i set foot in England, i was always already complaining about the weather here haha.. but that is life.. i don't regret ever going there, and i don't regret coming back.. even if i did, it's pointless to regret things in life...

as the saying goes, there's no point crying over spilt milk, so yes berate yourself, call yourself a coward and that you are stupid, wallow in the self pity, but do your best to stop your regrets..

nothing changes unless we make it change... it's so hard to change and a lot of people get discouraged just at the mere thought of it, it takes a lot of will power to bring about changes.. those who lack the will power just continue on to wallow in their self pity and blame the world, and blame others..

ok.. before you guys start getting funny ideas.. i am not on the brink of suicide ok.. ??

the reason that i'm talking about all this change and regret thing, is because i recently read a manga called doubt, the main character in the story, is a girl, who was really plain, and unnoticed by others, so when she entered senior high school, she decided to change, and she really did put in effort and all, and well the other characters in the school got jealous of her beauty, and therefore always found fault with her, thus she snapped and told them off, saying she wasn't always so pretty, she worked hard to get where she was cause she wanted to change her life.. etc basically what i stated above haha..

to continue... it is a nice manga, but yeah, sometimes change is inevitable, and sometimes we have to have the courage to bring it around by ourselves, i for one, am a coward in some aspects, but i do my best to be brave, though when it comes to the matters of the heart, as all of you know i am a failure, cause i am totally clueless, but like the main character of that manga, i am bringing about change, and now, though i am clueless i am not that clueless, rome wasn't built in a day.. so cheer me on, on this road to self discovery, of what i want in life, love, family & friends.. :)

on another note, the other day my cousin randomly asked, cause apparently he was doing a survey, in which i can check the results out later at his blog.. but he asked me, what do i think are the fundamentals of a relationship.. well if you asked me, my direct answer, which is short and sweet is just simple.. two things, love and trust...

but then again this two things don't just fall out of the sky..from reading the christian book, what is my purpose in life.. (haven't finished reading it, cause well, errm.. not motivated to? but i'm halfway through.. i will blog bout it when i'm done reading), from that book, there was a chapter that said that, god placed us on earth to love him and love everyone in his family, his family being all other believers..

but that is not the point here, the point here is how they described what love is.. and to shorten it, and to put it into my own words, i would say that love is time and devotion.. for example, in a family, why do some families don't get along well, it's cause they don't have time for each other, if you don't have the devotion/effort to make time, how do you expect love to nuture?

it's basically the same in all relationships, if you want to get a loved one, you must be willing to devote your time, and yourself, meaning your heart to the other person.. mother's are the best example as they devote all their time, body and spirit to their children.. but, i don't mean that everyone has to be like a mother to others..that's freaky haha, but basically.. love and trust are jsut two simple answers, i wonder how many people will look deeper.. to see what brings about love and trust...

when one is willing to spend (equivalent to devote) their time for another, feelings grow, and if nutured that is what becomes love, that's why the book was saying that the love for god was not born overnight, but more like built over time, and that is the same with all human relationships..

as for trust, that usually comes along naturally with love, but trust also involves time, the more time we spend with the person, the more we understand that person, the more we know whether that person can be trusted or not..

i think everything boils back down to time.. maybe i should message my cousin and tell him that i've decided to change my answer? :p haha

ヒント：every star has its life span, it starts out by shining very bright, but as the years go by, the gasses used to keep it alight are slowly being burnt out, and in the end the star becomes dim.... dimmer, and in the end totally loses its shine, either it just stays there as a floating piece of rock in space (i think, can't remember) or it explodes... forgot what is it called.. nebular? (sigh, when was the last time i read stuff like that... ==') aarghh.. something, and it becomes a black hole sucking all the light and other stuff into it...
私はの意味はわかたかな？もうげんかいかな。。

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
here is something interesting i got off ccy's msn.. sounded interesting to me, and well kind of romantic? haha.. so i copied it here to share.. apparently he got it off a story?? ask him, i don't know, i can't read chinese story books ==' haha but he said that he will translate it and post about it ahha :p so await the link :)


如果我是鱼，而你是水, 我可以游入你的心里吗?
[ru guo wo shi yu, er ni shi shui, wo ke yi you ru ni de xin li ma?]

for the bananas.. ie those who don't understand chinese.. this means.. if i were a fish and you are the water, could i swim into your heart?

reminds me of this quote from bleach that i put on my friendster :p

"If I were the rain, could I connect with someone's heart, as the rain can unite the eternally separated earth and sky?" said by orihime..

-Oracl3-