Tears

Does anyone understand,

The tears in your eyes every time I leave?

Do they understand,

The wrench in my heart every time I leave?

Or the tears in your eyes every time you hear my voice?

Does anyone understand,

My tears every time I think of you?

-サヤカ-

As I look through the pictures and videos of you, I try everyday to come up with a happy or funny memory of you.

But to be frank, while our time together has always been 99.99999% the best, that little minuscule 0.0000001% pops up when you throw your little tantrums and try to be difficult.

But you were hardly difficult on purpose, you were usually difficult if you weren't feeling well. Most of the time you'd get skin ailments or stomach ailments.

I'd blame myself sometimes for your skin ailments, thinking that it's probably my fault for not exposing you to the outside world till you were past one year's old, that's why your skin was so sensitive.

Well for your stomach ailments, it was mostly your fault lol, but I do try to keep a closer eye on you to make sure you didn't lick unnecessary stuff.

Your boils were the most painful for you though, I remember we had to take you to the doctor to shave off the surrounding fur, to allow your boil to pop, then we were subjected to days of antibiotics and wound cleaning, which was always painful for you (and in some ways for me).

And the times when you were bleeding from your boil you couldn't sleep on the bed, and oh, how you hated that.

I got you a box to sleep in beside my bed, but you didn't look too pleased lol.

Your stomach ailments weren't very kind to you either.

Making you throw up and having diarrhea is no fun. And I know you always felt guilty when you had made a mess.

And while I may frown, because I my eyes can't adjust to the brightness of the room since I had to wake up in the middle of the night to clean it all up, trust me, I was never once angry at you.

I was more concerned for you, especially at one point where you used to vomit till you'd fainted in your own vomit.

You would be quite upset after that though usually, because I can't shower you when you are sick, and you'd be so smelly that no one wanted to carry you much.

Wiping you down only did so much for the smell lol. But I still carried you when I could lol.

I would usually leave work as early as possible to come home to take care of you, to feed you your medicine and all.

I think the worse was, when there was this one time you had a fever, and dad gave you a bit of paracetamol, not knowing that it was poison to you.

Your face became swollen that night, much to my fear and worry, and I was in tears.

Especially when you refused to eat, for like the 2nd day or was it the 3rd day in the row?

I cried a little and told you, "you have to eat or you will die." And you did! You ate. You listened to my pleas and did your best.

The next day, first thing in the morning we took you to the doctor and he was so shocked that you had taken paracetamol, and that you were still fine.

He was even more shocked when he found out that you ate!

He asked me what did I do to make you eat, and when I said I begged you to eat, the doctor was speechless.

I guess that might had been a first for him, because he told me that usually dogs who have ingested paracetamol, will have a swollen face, refuse to eat and drink and will just lay there waiting for their end.

So it must have been a huge surprise for him when you ate, to today I think that, probably my forcefeeding you Ribena might have helped with the flushing out of the poison, because after that he gave us something packed with Vitamin C for you to drink with lots of water to help flush out the toxins.

I guess we were extremely lucky we didn't loose you then. And I'm forever thankful for that.

Thankful that it gave you many more years with me.

***

Hi Baby,

Probably because now I don't have to keep hiding my feelings anymore, I'm crying a bit more since last night and now. It's lonely crying so hard by myself, but it's a little relieving I guess, that I don't feel like I have to stop, just because someone is waiting for me to stop crying.

It's probably also yesterday's post that got me started, as I started thinking and remembering that you really were my happiness.

Through all the stress and darkness, just a glimpse of you would brighten up my day. In this world where I often felt so alone, as friends and family rightfully lead their own lives; cuddling, playing, and talking to you - those were my happiness.

Every morning when I had to leave you to go to work, we would do so unwillingly. Every time we met again, we'd be so happy and excited.

Does anyone else see the tears in your eyes when I leave? You would always come up to me with that expression on your face like "Where are you going? Don't leave me behind".

And every time, every single time, I'm not willing to, but I have to, I couldn't bring you every where I had to go. 

I probably am the only one that wanted to spend the most time with you, I always wanted to take you every where I went, and I did every time I could.

I probably am the only one that really didn't have the heart to leave you behind.

I was probably the one that always didn't want to let you go.

I was probably the only one that wanted to forever remain by your side, to the point that I refused to work any where but near home if it meant having to leave you behind.

(Friends have asked me why I won't work in Singapore, and I even got head hunted for Singapore previously...)

Maybe that's why, it's so hard for me now.

I keep thinking that at least if I had managed to keep our promise, maybe I wouldn't feel this bad, but I don't know... and any other way, losing you doesn't make the pain any easier for me.

I lost my baby, what can console that?

-sunz-

At this rate, I might give in to mom's offer and have her come here, though I have absolutely no idea what she is going to do here when she gets here. lol