Today, the sun sets again,

With hues of purple and pink,

Behind the mountain,

It disappears again.

-サヤカ-

I don't know why I suddenly remembered this, but you know everytime when you were upset, you would pee some where to show your defiance?

I think it was genius of you to pee at items or things which obviously marked out who you were pissed at.

The first time I remember you doing that was when you peed on sis's bag.

She was working in Boston at the time, and she had left one of her bags lying around, and we discovered one day that you had peed on it.

Technically it wasn't really her bag, but there was nothing else of hers lying around.

Usually you would pee at the dustbin in the kitchen, which kind of indicated that you were angry at everyone I guess.

When we barricaded that up, you peed at the washer.

Sometimes you somehow found your way around the barricade to do your deed though. *chuckles*

There was one time when I was still in college, I was so busy since I was, as usual doing my assignments at the 11th hour, that I think you got pissed at me, and you peed on my piano books.

Elegy still smells of your pee and has your pee stains you know. lol.

A few years back, when we first removed the wax on the floor, I think you were pissed at me and you peed at the book shelf which had my music books.

Dad was so pissed he spanked you quite hard, and I had to intervene for fear of him hurting you. It's only the floor for crying out loud. Which is now covered by the wooden paneling anyway.

In the initial years, scolding you didn't work, so I had to resort to spanking.

But in the recent years, I've decided that spanking wasn't working or good either, so I made you go to a corner in the kitchen.

Isolated from the rest of the family. And for some reason that became your punishment corner.

Whenever we discovered your pee, and started scolding you, you would automatically go to that corner.

Sometimes for reasons we still cannot phantom, you would "punish" yourself by going to that corner by yourself, even though we can't find any pee anywhere.

Even now, I'm still wondering why...

***

Hi Baby,

The days pass, and just like how the sun sets every day, will my feelings finally settle down as well?

I think I'm getting a bit better, or maybe it's because I do my best to keep myself so preoccupied, and I don't do things like purposely watch (toy) dog videos, or look at your pictures or videos.

I'm actually dead tired every night, and I do that on purpose so that I will just fall straight to sleep and won't cry.

And with that action plan in place, I don't actually cry everyday anymore, or every night that much.  I'm doing a good job in trying to move on right?

But... I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

Keeping people around me so that I won't cry.

Keeping myself so busy and tired so I won't cry...

To be frank, I don't really want to cry anymore.

I want to smile for you.

It's hard, but I'm trying.

-sunz-