Hush little baby,

It's time to sleep little baby,

Say goodnight little baby. 

-サヤカ-

Do you remember the time we started sleeping together? 

We didn't use to sleep together in the beginning. Dad wouldn't allow it. So every night you would sleep In your cage, which was next to the fridge. 

I read in the book, that the humming of the fridge and the heat radiating from the fridge would be comforting to you. 

Hence the reason why your cage was next to the fridge. 

For 2 years it was like that for you. 

And in your second year. When I was in college our house got broken into. (The full details of that story will be for another day)

But because of that break in. We started to bring you upstairs to sleep with us. 

Sis and I used to share a queen sized bed then and we would place you in between our pillows to sleep. 

I remember initially you were too scared to move from that spot. And one time you slept in the same position till you got a leg cramp or something and you started crying. 

Gave sis and I a little scare. But after giving you a little massage you seemed fine. 

And well let's just say. After that you took liberties to move around and often in the middle of the night I would have to wake up to push you out of the way so that I didn't sleep and crush the little you.

***

Hi Baby

I don't know if you know this, but I've always been a crybaby. 

I cry quiet easily. Back when bro used to bully me everyday for god knows what reason, there wasn't a day that I never cried. 

I also cry easily when I read a sad story or watch a sad movie. 

Although I'm not being bullied anymore currently, now I cry a little almost every day. Mostly by myself lately because it seems that my tears upset others (and I think they are tired of my crying lol.. I'm tired of crying but I can't help myself, I love you too much) but mostly because I cry right before I sleep. 

I probably cry the most at night before I sleep and when I wake up in the mornings, maybe because we usually slept together and woke up together.

Or maybe it is because it reminds me that you won't be there to sleep with me at night anymore or wake up together anymore. 

 Here's my wake up call cause you need to go pee. Lol

Even when I had to be away from you, I always had this "Roscoe replacement", be it a stuff toy or pillow of some sort. 

It doesn't work as well. But it gives me some comfort. But now there's nothing left to comfort me.

And now my "Roscoe replacements" are back firing and making it more difficult for me..

And as I write this through my tears, all I can say is, it's still as difficult for me as the day you left. While I get by, by emptying myself. I walk around like an empty vessel, and it's disconcerting, it feels horrible. But... I guess...

Maybe feeling this sadness is better than not feeling anything at all. But it's so painful and it's so hard for me. 

Maybe it's so hard because I wasn't ready. Maybe it is so hard because I wasn't there. 

I don't know anymore...

You left too suddenly and I wasn't fully ready to let you go. I knew you were old, but you were always still so healthy, that I optimistically always thought that I would have more time with you. That's why I agreed to come to Japan! 

Was this the reason why I cried so hard before I came, because I subconsciously knew it was going to end up like this? 

Why did you have to go when I wasn't by your side? Why did you have to suffer? I always imagined you going peacefully with old age. Not like this. Never like this...

Imagination and reality are different I acknowledge that. But it's just too cruel. 

Too cruel to you, and too cruel to me...

-sunz-