Hero

Did you hear that rustle?

Like the sound of little bristles, rubbing against each other. 

IT has appeared.

A shrill scream fractures the still air.

The jingling of a bell.

The rush of little feet.

Claws a little too long scrapping on the floor as he runs.

The little Hero with his sidekicks.

As he rushes to her side. 

The Hero has come.

But before the Hero could battle the Villian.

The Victim stops him.

Not wanting the Hero to soil himself over the Victim's sake.

So with courage the Victim gathered, 

by having the Hero by her side.

The Victim became the hero, 

And squashed the damned little critter,

Formerly known as the Villian. 

And together, they emerged victorious.

The Hero and the Victim.

**

You gave me courage to kill cockroaches.

Who now will protect me, when I have my pants down?

-サヤカ-

I skipped forward a little, as I suddenly remembered the time that inspired the above. This is in the literal sense, on who will now watch over me when I have my pants down. *Chuckle*

This was way back, when I was in the toilet doing my business and a bloody, freaking cockroach came out of no where (okay, okay, came out of the drainage hole); and as the whole wide world already knows by now. 

I am severely traumatized by cockroaches, and the only thing I can do when confronted with one, is to just scream and/or cry whilst I try to avoid contact with it. 

I remember that one time, when I was on the crapper, IT came, that THING which should no longer exist in the world. that THING which should have gone extinct with the dinosaurs. Why does IT still exist??!! Anyway, I digress.

I screamed, and you came running, with that look on your face, "Like what's happened??!! Where's the emergency??!!" 

And when you saw the culprit, you made to attack it, since your breed was made to get rid of rodents and little animals. 

Somehow at that instant, my rational mind would have none of that. I didn't want my precious touching the damn critter, because it would be like me indirectly touching a critter when I touched my precious. 

So I gathered my courage, found a slipper and smashed the damn critter. My first kill on my own! And not the last, though some of the critter's comrades came to exact revenge a few times after that, and I had to get back up. (Read as dad coming to my aid lol). Those THINGS can get really revengeful, mind you.

All in all, I guess that's a milestone for me. A huge one. A little cowering coward, trying to be a hero. 

'Try' being the key word. lol. Those THINGS still freak me out a lot till today.

And anyway ever since then, whenever I'm on the crapper, you were always there sitting by the door, standing guard. Watching over me. My little guardian angel. My little Hero.

--

Back to the past

I remembered that after you won dad over, the 3 of us siblings got so excited. Brother went to retrieve the old rabbit cage from grandmother and painted it blue - because blue was for boys, apparently, or maybe he just liked the colour blue. lol. None of us disagreed with that choice of colour. 

And we went around getting everything that we thought we would need. I borrowed a book to read on how to raise and teach you. We bought your bowl and other neccessities. 

We were so excited getting ready for your arrival. 

And on the day we could get you, brother made dad drive about 120 kilometres to get you. A day trip, to and fro.

To bring you home.

They say most puppies cry on their first night in a new unfamiliar environment. 

And you were looking a little nervous as you were first brought into your new home. 

I don't remember why I was not in the travel party to pick you up.

Sister and I stayed home and waited anxiously by the door for you.

But I guess if I was in the travel party, I would have definitely missed out on that moment.

That precious memory. 

Of the little you, your ears still droopy, shivering a little as you were afraid.

'Where is this new place?', 

'What is going to happen to me?',

Those were probably what was going through your mind.  

As your little feet touched the floor of your new home.

Then our eyes met. 

The moment you saw me, I saw recognition and happiness in them.

You were home, and you knew it. As did we.  

***

Hi Baby :)

Is the weather great for you too? There's plenty of sunshine today. 

I guess we could say that today was a little better than yesterday, since I didn't have a bout of hysteria this morning. 

I don't like going to sleep at night, because that means another day of a world without you. But whether I sleep or not, the world doesn't care, and the next day comes soon enough, so I slept, and woke up in tears again. 

I told myself a long time ago, that when your time came, I would be honest, I won't hide. I will say "I'm not okay", when I'm not okay. If not to friends, at least to family. 

I will ask for help when it gets too much for me to handle. And I will be very frank. I will not coat anything.

While I'm still figuring how to go on without you, I do realise that I've lived 16 years without you before, and trying to remember how I had lived before then, draws a blank. 

I don't know how I did it, and as I go through the daily rounds for my wellbeing, it just doesn't feel right. 

When will it feel right?

Mom may not like this, but I could go on all these years because of you. 

Because the thought of leaving you is heartwrenching. 

Because I didn't want you to suffer what I estimated I would suffer when you go.

You most probably were, my reason to keep on going in this cold and cruel human world.

Looking back at my previous posts, I have been probably battling a sort of depression for so long.

I even mentioned a few times how it would be nice if I wasn't in this world anymore. Though I never did anything drastic, I always thought that I'm not letting the heavens have 2 souls when it should only be 1. But now that you are already there. My thoughts can't help but wander. 

Leaving is easy, but I do enjoy a good challenge from time to time. 

And staying is a huge challenge. 

I might have never mentioned this outright but I had multiple thoughts of giving up. But of all the times, the one time that really stuck to me was the time when I had to go for my minor surgery to remove my lump.

I had to be anesthetized during the procedure. 

Whether it's humans, dogs or whatever, being put under, always carries a risk, no matter how small that you won't wake up again. 

And I actually found that thought appealing. It wouldn't be counted as suicide if I had gone then. It would just be a medical complication. 

So when my doctor told me that due to my gastrointestinal esophagus reflux (or whatever it's called medically), there is a possiblity that the path way to my lungs will get clogged off during the surgery, thus blocking off my airway. 

My doctor told me to make sure I informed the hospital about it.

And here's the scary part, I actually considered not saying anything. 

I had that one thought. 

'If I stopped breathing on that table, it would be fine right?'

I guess we are all lucky that my rationality won out, and my legal mind argued that it would still be my fault if anything happened to me. 

Because in law, we have this principle which we call "the chain of causation", it basically means, "but for your actions, this might have, or might have never happened". 

If I never serviced my car, and I got into an accident, it will be but for my negligence of not servicing my car, which led to the deteroriation of the car and resulted in the accident. 

Law can get a bit technical in that sense. Simply put, it's a result due to some indirect action or ommission on your and/or others' part.

So yes, if I didn't tell anyone, and anything did happen, by my own actions I would have still indirectly off-ed myself. 

I did stop breathing by the way, when they removed the tube from my lungs, I was coming out of the  anesthesia and I could hear the doctors. It was surreal, an out of body kind of feel, like what you see in movies. 

"She isn't breathing, why isn't she breathing? Hey, hey, wake up! Breath!"

It felt like my lungs protested, but they worked. Although they felt a bit uncomfortable for a few hours after. I guess it's like forcing them to do something that they didn't really want to do then.

A little scary I guess.

That aside, I think something minor as the patient's breathing stopping during a minor surgery shouldn't be that big an issue for the medical staff to handle and to revive the patient. If it does cause complications, I would most probably live, with an expensive medical bill to boot after that. lol. 

-sunz-